When I started to do self compassion I had strong, solid visceral reactions of suicidal ideation combined with a profound and deep sense of unworthiness - so I had to take it ever so slowly at the beginning. Even the idea of self compassion was abhorrent to me. My self hatred was so deep that I could never see myself ever really moving in that direction. It was unfathomable. Going in that direction jolted me with pretty severe bounceback. So I had to slowly move in that direction .0001 of a degree at a time. I had extreme and severe backdraft.
So now I am not having the solid visceral reactions of suicidal ideation, that is a significant amount of progress I have made in that arena. I am struggling with the corrosive self doubt, and the profound visercal sense of unworthiness, so that is where I need to work on, focus on next and move towards. It is really hard to sit with feelings after a lifetime of being so dissociated, disembodied, depersonalised and derealised.
My psychiatrist doesn't want me spending too much time in communities or groups with a lot of mentally ill people, she wants me to move out into the world and be around just average people doing things in the world. So I have been working a lot on that. The social phobia is hard going at times, I feel everyone is judging me as not good enough, but it is mainly the echo chambers of my own confirmation bias.
I am still struggling with maladaptive daydreaming and ruminations, but gradually being a bit more here.
The Self Compassion Break, when I use it, is very helpful for me. It is still to a number of traditions, and practices, such as the Three Minute Breathing Space from the Mindfulness tradition. I found another one recently and it was similar with different language. There is so much free stuff on the Internet. I have also been looking at the Perth Meditation Centre, which also has free resources to use and listen to, some good articles on explaining the background.
I have also been looking at
"The Anxious Brain : The Neurobiological Basis of Anxiety Disorders and How to Effectively Treat Them"by Margaret Wehrenberg and Steven M. Prinz. So that is very interesting as well. It all connects up for me in the end. I am finding I am learning a lot. Struggled today quite a bit. Yesterday I was in total anxiety about saying no to Borderline Personality Disorder woman, and for all my ruminations, it was a total non issue. Then I was paranoid that my cooking wouldn't be good enough, and of course, they ate it, had seconds and then tried more. I am so insecure, and my problems are in my head, and not in my life. So that is embarrassing and challenging. Though today I left a situation as I was in the bush and a guy came on a motor bike and he was watching me, so I took the dog and drove off and went to a more populated area. I think that was actually a reasonable choice. So I am learning how to be in the world. Self Compassion is my friend, and makes me more able to be present in the day. It is a profound practice, and when I do it, it does change things for me. I am overwhelmed at the moment, as I am doing so much for my healing and recovery. All necessary though.
