Therapist Said I Was Resistant

[lostforgottensoul]

Im resisting right now; been at sorta of a stand still for a while.

Got stuck in the DBT book, was gonna skip over that part of the book and come back to it later, but laid the book down and i havent picked it back up.

He wants me to go back to the PTSD sourcebook. I havent and should because where i got stuck in the book about a year ago was identifying emotions and thoughts, notice them, let them pass, and go deeper and I think i could do that now or at least practice that now but im terrified because of the heavy intensity of the emotions...im scared i cant handle it.

So im 7 yrs into therapy, close to the core of all of this and im resisting.

I think we all do at different part of this journey due to protection or fear or many other reasons.

 

[Justmehere]

Did she say what you were resistant about?


Every human on planet earth has resistance and defense mechanisms against feared pain, and trauma survivors have particularly strong ones. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just is.

Of course most trauma survivors are resistant... But, the real question is, what are you resisting? Is it something that could help you but is just really scary right now, or is it something that goes against a boundary you have that is appropriate for your healing process? Most of all, are you and her both willing to risk what it takes to work through it?

These questions may take some time to figure out. I can think of circumstances where a therapist could say this in the first session and it would be totally appropriate - but I can also think of circumstances where it might be too early to confront natural defense mechanisms right from the get go.

No therapist is going to get it 100% right all the time, and it wouldn't be that helpful if they did. Part of therapy is being able to communicate with the therapist what helps and what is triggering, so that you both can work through it together. A good trauma therapist will cultivate an environment where someone feels safe enough to risk confronting their defense mechanisms.

It might help to consult with a few therapists and find the one that fits you best. Don't look for someone who never triggers you, but someone you are willing to begin to risk getting triggered with and to work through it in the relationship and therapy process. If this is the start of your therapy, finding a therapist who can help you build up skills first to manage being overwhelmed and/or triggered is critical.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Cashew and @lostforgottensoul Actually... she also said I had a tendency to insinuate that maybe she isn't as qualified as I thought she was or that she should be able to somehow get past my defenses with the awesomeness of her T abilities. I do do that, and it's not right.

My reply here was posted quickly, but I was basically trying to say that maybe the OP is resistant, but damn your T came right out of the gate with that, which seems unfair, as you were a first-time client.

I agree with you, too, Thinkbig, anybody would be resistant, which was my excuse, although after a year plus of therapy with this woman, I personally had to take what she had to say about my resistance to heart and assess how much I wanted to get down to business in therapy, because she was right: I was too resistant. At some point, I had to give a little to get a little, y'know?

But I do think making such an observation upon first meeting you seems a little suspect, seeing as you don't have any relationship at all built up with your T on which to rely. Even after a year, my defenses were so high with my T that she basically had to tell me it was not sustainable for me to be allergic to emotion through the whole of my therapeutic journey and that it was becoming seriously counterproductive to accomplishing any of my goals.

I, for my part, spent close to a week battling with and raging against that realization, but I'd had over a year to get comfortable, so I don't blame you for feeling a little put off right now. :(

 

[joeylittle]

So why did I hear it as a bad thing that my T saw me as resistant?

I think, because it took you a lot of guts and personal strength to get into that room with a T in the first place, and you would have preferred to be validated for having made it into the room, not instead being reminded of how much more you are going to have to expose yourself.

It's really reasonable that you feel that way.

It's a new relationship, and a therapist isn't a mind reader. Definitely, definitely talk about this in your very next session. Either it will end up with you feeling like you've gotten somewhere and the relationship is developing, or you'll spend the whole time feeling like you are talking at cross-purposes; in which case, move on. It's a real pain to find the right therapist, but it's more than worth the effort.

 

[Rumors]

I don't know what resistant means in a therapeutic relationship, but my guess is that it is when you reject every means of approach that a therapist gives you to heal. As an example, they tell you to journal and you say no or ask you to meditate or take 5 minutes to sit quietly everyday and you say no and basically reject every tool they give you. That is what I see as resistant. Not knowing a therapist well enough to open up isn't resistant it is actually a survival technique and can be very useful. This therapist could really be a douchebag and you need some time to figure that out....and that is exactly what I would tell her....

 

[barefoot]

As others have said, I'm sure we're all resistant in some respect(s) - we've had trauma in our lives and this is very tough work. So, whether it's resistance to trusting/getting into relationship with the therapist, resistance to specific ideas/tools/techniques they suggest, resistance to our feelings (this is the biggest point of resistance for me, I think - cue dissociation!) or a host of other things.

If she said you were resistant rather than something like "too resistant" I don't see it as a huge judgement from her...more of an observation/holding up a mirror to that for you. That said, doing that in a first session when you haven't built any relationship together though sounds a bit full-on to me and not particularly would find that off-putting in a first meeting, I think.

My therapist and I have had several conversations about my resistance but they have taken place within the context of our strong (most of the time!) relationship and the safety of the space. And I know that she is never coming from a place of judgement or criticism - and she's always very clear to point that out, even though she doesn't have to because I do trust that about her. Even then, these conversations have sometimes been difficult to engage in or have really rattled me...but they have always been helpful in some way.

Do you think you'll see her again @Thinkbig ?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree with you, too, Thinkbig, anybody would be resistant, which was my excuse, although after a year plus of therapy with this woman, I personally had to take what she had to say about my resistance to heart and assess how much I wanted to get down to business in therapy,

Damn, it took me a whole year just to tell my therapist why i was really there and then I only said I was abused "badly" and was raised in a "weird religon" and its all i would say at that point.

I wasnt resistant really, I was terrified and very well "programmed" so i was taught to be resistant. I have no clue how my therapist has put up with me for 7 yrs but has has said many times that he can tell that I want to get better badly so maybe thats why he hasnt 'dumped' me yet.

I have hit spots of resistance here and there thoughout therapy and usually neither of us say it, he will push at me to get through it or work around it or a lot of times he gives me homework because i have to sit with something or read something many times over and we re-visit it next week.

So I think we all hit resistance throughout the entire therapy process to a point...but its all due to the same thing, i think, protection.

I do agree that the therapist needs to give someone a chance to gain trust before saying something like that. I think being told that soon into therapy would make you more defenisve and more resistant so def counterproductive!

As an example, they tell you to journal and you say no or ask you to meditate or take 5 minutes to sit quietly everyday and you say no and basically reject every tool they give you.

It doesnt have to be "no". You can resist the entire process, resist telling them anything, resistant moving without saying the word no. You can make up all the excuses in the world without the word no and it can still be resistance.

I think 5 yrs in and after going back and forth like a court room, having to "defend my position" (the cult beliefs) and in the end, ending up in a circle and crossing my arms and saying "I know its not rational but I believe it anyway" is major resistance but my therapist said "well that shows how good at programming you they were" and spent more time at cracking that programming...or teaching me how.

But you can resistance everything without a straight up no. And it doesnt even have to be rejecting every tool. A person can resist the process but journal or meditate...its about the process. Are you going through it or are you resisting it? If you journal or meditate or anything while resisting the process, you arent gonna go anywhere.

Its all about being willing to change; changing the way you think, the way you believe, the way you handle things, the way you cope etc...thats the process.

BUT when first starting with a therapist, resistance is to be expected and that is douchy on the therapist's side because that is there for protection and they should know that!

@Thinkbig you're gut is telling you right and i agree, trust it.

If you like the therapist thus far other than this then maybe ask for clarification and id even say "well resistance is normal until trust can be built due to protection" or some form of that. If they seem to be wanting you to just jump over your normal defenses and right into the process then id, at that point, would find a new therapist.

In my opinion, though, its a bit early to go searching for a new therapist over an unclarified phrase. Id give them at least a chance to clarify. Thats just my opinion.

 

[Thinkbig]

You know, sometimes I've done my best work and made some breakthroughs when my therapist says somethi...

Can you ask her next time what does she mean when she says that?

And what is she judging by?

It is well...

Yes I will definitely ask her. And good advice, progress IS made from resolving conflict.

 

[Thinkbig]

I think the best thing you can do is ask her to explain exactly what she meant by this statement....

I'm not sure if she is a trauma therapist. I actually chose her because of her approach to attachment issues that she believes can only be solved through relationship. Another thing she said was that I have relational issues. Duh!

 

[Thinkbig]

Is there anyway she could have said resilient?? Because we survived so we are! It took a month before...

No definitely resistant. But its ok. I am aware that a lot of triggers are there...apparently for all of us. That's why I chose a female because I had so many issues with my own mother.
I agree about needing to feel safe and trust enough to begin to process. I am blessed to have a friend that has stuck by me. So because of this I basically told my T that it was all good because I don't actually have to trust her to make progress. Me and my big mouth...

 

[Thinkbig]

Hmmm. T's have to start earning your trust in baby steps from before you walk through the door. And they mus...

Very helpful. I will consider her words with a grain of salt. Wondering though, is it that we hear things differently through a lens of ptsd, other than they were intended?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't actually have to trust her to make progress.

My opinion is, this isnt fully true.

Yes, you can make progress on your own, even without a therapist (many have) but you have to trust her and trust her enough to give her your most private, most closely held secerts, issues, trauma etc and trust that she will lead you down the right path.

But its ok. I am aware that a lot of triggers are there...apparently for all of us. That's why I chose a female because I had so many issues with my own mother.
I agree about needing to feel safe and trust enough to begin to process.

Ok, so having issues with my own mother and my own severe terror of women, I didnt dare try to counter that with a female therapist. I knew that I would never be able to fully trust a female and my therapist now is the only person on this planet that I fully trust. I know that I can tell him anything, he will never be shocked by anything, and he will gauge me towards the correct direction every time.

Maybe this is different for you, that's just my own experience and my own issues. But, if you are trying to counter issues about your mom with a female therapist, and if you could trust a male easier, then maybe a male therapist would be better. Just something the think about.

I will consider her words with a grain of salt.

I wouldnt ever think of a therapist's words with a grain of salt but I would ask for clarification.

I actually chose her because of her approach to attachment issues that she believes can only be solved through relationship.

This statement I didnt quite get. She believes that an attachment issue can only be solved with relationship how and with whom? Spouce kind, friend kind, all of the above kind?

I will say, coming from someone with severe attachment issues, it is solved by learning knew ways to have atrachment. It doesnt have to be spouce or a friend, even just co-workers, aquaintances, people around you, people online. Just from the 4 months ive spent here ive learned a TON about how to correctly attach to people or connect to people and i dont even know whom these folks are.