Therapist Terminated With Me

[BuckarooBanzai]

This reminds me a little bit of something that happened to me.

I was teaching, both in a high school classroom and outside in private practice. Unbeknownst to my students, I was severely depressed, dissociating heavily (this is when my DID symptoms were at their worst), and suffering tremendous suicidal ideation. I swear, the local hospital should have installed a revolving door on the locked psych unit for my personal use.

Interestingly enough, both my school and private students - even their parents - had no idea what I was going through. I always perked up in the classroom.

Well, there came a point where I had to stop teaching. It all spun out of of control very quickly and unexpectedly. Suddenly, I had to drop my students. My classroom students were unhappy - they wanted me back - but they were ok because the school would just hire a new teacher. However, my private students were devastated; to them, I'd just dropped off the End of the World, and they felt abandoned.

Even after I moved away to a different state, one of these private students called me and left a message. Sadly, I was in such a state that I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't even call him back. It was awful. I still feel guilty about it.

But, you know, I was seriously ill. I had to go on disability. I almost didn't come out the other end alive.

Sometimes, these things happen and no one is at fault.

 

[qwyoey]

I think you need to find someone to help you let go of all this. He did respond he can't work with you. I doubt very much he could offer you 5 sessions for closure.

 

[joeylittle]

I think you need to find someone to help you let go of all this.

My understanding is that's why @Kaluki sought treatment with a private therapist, following the abrupt termination of service from the initial therapist.

I suspect something more is going on, but he sure felt no compulsion to protect me or mitigate my suffering. I am the one considered at high risk here, not him. I am the one who is fragile and vulnerable not him.

Again, going to be blunt here. I think the 'more' that's going on likely involves your therapist either realizing that his relationship with you had gone too far, or the people he works under discovered that it had gone too far - and he was censured, resulting in him no longer being allowed to practice therapy. Or, because he doesn't trust himself with clients, he's stopped practicing therapy.

You are the one who is fragile and vulnerable - and you were that when you started work with him. Whether he meant to or not, he lost sight of his responsibilities as your therapist a long time ago. Unconventional isn't the problem. I won't even say the contact was a problem. But he indulged your desire for attachment to an extreme degree. It's made more complex by the fact that what you attached with was your inner child, or child-self. I do not doubt that it felt very supportive and it even might have felt therapeutic - but it was his job to help you find ways of healing those attachment issues, and he did not have to use himself as the technique or surrogate.

If you can, I would recommend that you go back and read this post, with that in mind: Early Termination Of Therapy: Therapist Retiring Prematurely. My Anguish.

This part struck me, in your story of the day his leaving all came to a crisis point. You told him,

"...I am so hurt that you are discarding me like this, whilst you know you are the first person I have attached to as me the younger self." (I felt very courageous as I was shaking when I said all this)

He then started crying...He was so overcome with emotion that he couldn't speak for a while...Then he manages to explain, rather brokenly, that he cries sometimes because of what this is doing to me, that he can't sleep at night, it is keeping him awake, he just can't cope with it all...He continues sobbing. It is like HE is in breakdown. Every now and again he wipes his nose on his sleeve and mutters "I shouldn't be doing this, I am sorry, I am so sorry, I know this is not appropriate for you, I just can't seem to stop crying'..He says that he HAS to reduce session times, he HAS to abide by the dictates of the NHs centre manager and he is struggling to do what he is being told to do.

He knows that I am finding it hell and yet he has no power over reducing session times and how often he sees me. He is being made to reduce all clients sessions.

The events you describe from that day are all very, very human. There's a lot of strong feeling there that was spilling over, on both sides.

But he was right when he said, "I shouldn't be doing this, I am sorry, I know it's not appropriate for you".

@Kaluki - I could very well be totally wrong about why he's no longer seeing patients.

But I don't at all believe I'm wrong about the damaging nature of the relationship he allowed you to develop with him.

I know it wasn't romantic, or sexual. I know it wasn't a friendship. You've been really clear on all those points. But he allowed you, for a number of years, to essentially pretend he was a fantasy father-figure. He allowed you to regress yourself. He gave you what you thought you wanted and needed, only it was not, in fact, helping you in the long-view. The moment the security was established in the therapeutic alliance, he should have begun transitioning you into self-parenting. You've said a number of times that you love(d) him; but it breaks my heart that you were spending such a long time feeling that love, and he didn't shift you to loving yourself. That's the goal.

I want to be clear. This is not because you are awful, or bad, or the problem. This is because he did not give you therapy, he gave you comfort.

I almost want to put this whole post behind a spoiler alert, because I don't mean to be harsh. But, I'll trust that you can take it or leave it, and won't argue you about it again.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

The transition from comfort to self-parenting is not easy to define – perhaps the point is that he may not have been a strong enough person to stand up for himself so connected with my vulnerability to something in his own - maybe he fostered my dependency rather than helping me grow but then if that were totally true I would not have grown but I have grown. and I have grown because I think a comforting and responsive parent is the most important thing – I don’t think therapists transition people in quite such a controlling point by point, stage by stage way – something evolves and grows in the patient – I just think this man is not fully independent himself so cannot help me find a developmental state that he too in some way lacks
When he held me, I felt held and eventually I felt safe and eventually I felt a sort of glow inside, like a child feeling secure and safe and loved. Eventually that got internalised to the extent that I have a part of me that is doing that now for me. So what he did with me worked.
But I still have a part of me that is young and still fragile and she can't work out where her beloved much loved and trusted father figure went. She is experiencing grief and confusion and bewilderment and anguish and insomnia and a feeling of abandonment and betrayal. It was a very brutal ending.

 

[joeylittle]

I don’t think therapists transition people in quite such a controlling point by point, stage by stage way

There's certainly an art to it, but there's a decent amount of literature published also. The therapist is expected to have a treatment plan.

My point, really, is to share some thoughts on what your expectations can be, should you ever decide to enter therapy again. Whether the therapist is working very intuitively, or in line with one methodology - you can always discuss your treatment plan and the timeline arc. Things will of course expand and contract as needed.

But in long-term therapeutic processes, it's a useful thing to have a sort of 'where we're at with my recovery' conversation if not every six months, then certainly annually. And the therapist should be confident in that conversation. They may say 'there's no way we can put a time frame on this, but here's the big-picture goal, and here's where I think we are at'.

When he held me, I felt held and eventually I felt safe and eventually I felt a sort of glow inside, like a child feeling secure and safe and loved. Eventually that got internalised to the extent that I have a part of me that is doing that now for me. So what he did with me worked.

I get it. I personally grew up with no physical expression of love or support, and the glow you are describing sounds both lovely and foreign to me. But it's good that you have internalized that to the extent that you can find that for yourself, within yourself. That's good.

I'm curious - if you don't mind my asking - when in the course of treatment (very approximately) did you begin the holding, and do you remember when you could identify that you felt you understood safety?

 

[EmmaOwl]

The transition from comfort to self-parenting is not easy to define – perhaps the point is that he may...

Wow Kaluki, I haven't entirely been following this thread since I last posted, but I see you've been in difficulties ... All along everything sounded ambiguous to me - I couldn't tell before that physical contact was involved.

So just now I see that there was physical contact... and not just a hug, he HELD you? Physical contact is a dicey thing, and hugging, whatever, I see that as something to be worked out on a person-by-person basis

I mean, there are times I worry that my therapist and I are a little too close, as in, I consider him a friend in sort of a separate relationship than how he and I interact in our therapeutic interactions - we go a full hour therapy-wise and if he has other stuff going on, he generally has to kind of get me going and walk me to the door or even to my car to get me out of there! But sometimes we stay and chat. I don't have much going on, and I dunno what he's up to - I see him in evening sessions, so. It's when he has time and it's also when things flow in a natural way. When I am worse, we actually have FEWER "friend" interactions. Right now I know he's gotten divorced, but he hasn't mentioned his chronically ill sister or his old dog that disappeared. Ok that sounds weird I guess but normally I would ask about these things at the end of a session. Right now, I'm doing very poorly, and I can't take on other people's stuff. He knows that. (This is my interpretation, anyway.)

Ok so this brings me back around to he HELD you? I'm in the U.S., which apparently has fewer, less strict guidelines about contact between therapists and patients... but I've still never heard of a therapist holding anyone. I find that idea much more scary than anything else I've seen in your posts, and no wonder you are having difficulties adjusting.
I think it almost sounds like...abuse. I'm going to state that and leave it. But perhaps you need more help than you even know.

Or, JoeyLittle, I see you've just posted and you don't sound surprised about the holding, just curious. Am I missing something?? Now I'm extremely curious about all of this!

 

[Suzetig]

It's fair to say the issue of physical contact in therapy is a fairly controversial one. There are therapists who do use touch and literature particularly from the early days of therapy describing practice around touch that would now sound very concerning and would likely get the therapist struck off. There are other therapists who don't use touch at all and some who sit in the middle somewhere.

The issues around touch tend to be about fostering dependency and blurring relationship lines. So someone is hugged, held or kissed by their therapist, they feel loved and cared for, start to feel like it's a "special" relationship - more than therapy (but not necessarily sexual) - and then become increasingly attached to the therapist who can't possibly meet their very natural relationship needs.

If a therapist is going to use touch, I think their boundaries need to be water tight, the touch needs to be for a clear purpose and, like all therapy, needs to be reviewed and evaluated regularly. Generally speaking, a therapist would reasonably expect to be disciplined for holding a client if that was a regular feature of the therapy - as opposed to say a one off response to extreme distress. The problem is that therapists are human too and can get caught up in wanting to rescue their client, or to comfort them in their distesss (which is different to holding a safe space for the client to feel and express strong emotions). Comfort feels nice, it's natural to want someone to make it all better but the therapist needs to be able to sit with and contain those emotions - not soothe them away.

@Kaluki is making a fair point to say that moving towards self parenting is a fairly organic process in therapy however there does need to be a clear plan of work, that sees a client build up their external resources and internal coping mechanisms to where a loss doesn't feel like the end of the world. I guess a healthy place to be is where the client recognises the loss that comes with the end of the relationship, is able to grieve that loss but isn't left feeling abandoned and bereft - i.e. is able to process unexpected loss and change and recognise those things as being a part of life.

I know one of the hardest parts of working with me for my therapist has been her really resisting the urge to comfort me or make me feel better. There have been times I've been in the midst of awful pain and looked up to see her right in it with me, feeling it alongside me. She's never physically held me at those points and I know it's because I need to go through the pain, to feel it and release it in a way I wasn't allowed to as a child. It's hard, I'd love her to make it go away and she's open about how hard it is for her to see me in such pain and her wish to rescue me but we both know she won't do that. I need to know I can tolerate strong feelings and can find my own way through them and I won't do that if she takes the pain away.

It's that process which facilitates the client in becoming less attached and dependent, being safely and strongly held while slowly being helped to fly the nest. That's the process that @Kaluki deserved from her therapist - possibly not what she wanted (who would, its bloody sore work), but is what needed to happen in the course of 6 years of treatment.

 

[EmmaOwl]

It's fair to say the issue of physical contact in therapy is a fairly controversial one. There are ther...

Thank you for explaining, Suzetig, and so thoroughly. There is always more to learn! I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions.
I do know there are specific kinds of therapy that require physical contact... I personally don't think it's an awesome idea, but everyone is different! I'm too attached as it is. (My therapist postponed tomorrow's appointment to Monday and I am feeling rather crushed by only that three-day delay.)
Certainly the length of the therapeutic relationship has a big impact on what is appropriate and what not. I hadn't even thought of that one.

 

[aut555]

The transition from comfort to self-parenting is not easy to define – perhaps the point is that he may...

Think that @joeylittle delivered a beautiful eloquent message about a very difficult subject.

@Kaluki. I understand the trusting child feels abandoned and betrayed by the pseudo-parent in this therapy. But can you see that he brought you this far, in trying to help you find some therapeutic intervention, but he may have crossed the boundaries of t/client and realized that and was concerned about being sanctioned. So he just backed off, but you have the tools to move forward now from the very first time you went to his office. Nothing is forever, we change therapists, doctors, schools, relationships, etc. This could end for any reason, so you have to look at the success you have had and build on that. You must understand that therapists are not legally bound to see us forever. I see this as he helped you so much but then was maybe concerned about your attachment possibly. He really did help you out. I can't tell how bad therapists l have had. Please look on the positive and realize the next therapist, it's wise to keep some emotional distance perhaps so that you are healing in a healthy manner. Much compassion to you. Don't give up on therapy.

 

[qwyoey]

Perhaps you can clarify- do you currently have a replacement therapist in place?
And if so what is your treatment plan/goals?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Kaluki, I hear you moving to a softer, more understanding place in your heart. I note positive growth in the right direction.

never heard of a therapist holding anyone.

My therapist let me sit on his lap once. We quickly found out I was too heavy. :)

After that point, I sat close to him when he read me stories.

 

[macbeth]

@Kaluki I saw your thread because I was posting about my own experience. I was just recently let go from my T after 3 years with no warning. I am so sorry that this has happened to you too. I have been in a downward spiral of depression since. I know how hard it is to spend years of trying to open up and trust and the feeling of rejection can be devastating. I am hoping you can find the help you need. :hug: s to you my friend.