I'm not client blaming - want to be very clear about that.
I'm not talking about blame - I'm talking about...what...I guess, recognizing the ways that we trap ourselves in patterns.
I had a boss, a very important person to me. Boss/mentor. After 10 years, he left me behind when his career moved up. When I went out on my own, I was OK for a few years, but developed a similar relationship with another boss - and then, after 5 years, that one turned on me. There were about 3 other people after that who I would say all did the same thing.
And I often feel like either they are all total assholes (because I've seen this happen with other people, too) - or, the universe is punishing me, or I'm inherently rejectable...Now, they might be jerks. But one thing I am starting to see is that I went into those relationships with an unrealistic expectation. I wanted them to take care of me. That comes from the lack of care I had my whole life.
I didn't want them to take care of me, personally - but I believed they would care for me, professionally. Thing is, that's not actually their job, or their intention. They didn't mis-lead me, ever. They are engaging in a hopefully beneficial professional relationship with me. I am giving them a product, they are giving me an opportunity. I am getting an opportunity, they are getting a product. I can be more proactive about taking care of myself, and more forthright about my expectations of our relationship, if I have any - and they can respond to those things.
I'm in control of a chunk of this, basically.
I am vulnerable and have younger damaged parts which are easily duped. So I was working with therapists who were meant to keep a safe space for those parts to grow.
I understand this. But what was your expectation of the transition out of the safe space to grow? Did you expect the relationship to go on until you were ready for it to stop? Or were you expecting that safe space to be infinite, if needed? There's no wrong answer - I'm just wondering what your expectation was that was consistently not met?
And, then, is there a way to have a different expectation, or communicate it more specifically?
As you've already said, this is about re-parenting. But there's a fine line between doing that work and expecting your therapist to be a surrogate parent. I'll say that if you've been consistently looking for a long-term surrogate parent, you are likely to be rejected, always, in the end. If you are looking for learning to self-parent, that's different. That can work.
Of course, if you don't want to explore how the previous relationships devolved and what they had in common, that's your right. I think it would help you, but I'm only one opinion, and you don't have to listen to it.
