Therapy Appointment - Wow! No Thank You.

[VioletButterfly]

Well, I had a therapy appointment yesterday with a new T. I haven't been in therapy since early 2012.

I couldn't speak with the T prior to the appointment, but did speak to the receptionist who told me this person was deeply skilled for treating trauma and PTSD, throwing out the "EMDR" moniker which should have been my one of my first hints that something was amiss. Also, not being able to speak to the T directly is now a deal breaker for me. Then, I was sent an email with a social history questionnaire. The form is very invasive and I found it to be very unsettling. I only filled in my name and the reason for my visit, knowing I'd receive push back. I have been in this situation before with another T who had a substance abuse background.

Sure enough, the receptionist challenged me and told me it was required by law that I complete the form for their "chart." Hmmm, nope, it's not, so I told her I didn't feel comfortable completing the form as I had not met the T and didn't know if I'd continue to work with her, felt uncomfortable, that the form was invasive, etc... She then noted that it was in my best interests, etc... Getting nowhere with me, she made several faces and sounds of exasperation, and acted very unprofessionally. I stated that I was glad to take the form and leave without seeing the T. She let out a big "hhhhh", then stated she'd ask the T if it would be okay to see me without my completing the form. Really? Lying and manipulation, and I hadn't even met the T?! Surreal.

So, then she came back, acting like a whipped dog, and said the T would work with what I had provided. Then she asked me to fill out a credit card info form in case I "missed" an appointment without sufficient notice so that they could bill my card. Right. Nope, not happening..

So, I met the T. She propounded needing info on the form and asked that I complete it before I left. Harassment, much?! Was I applying for a job with the CIA or going to therapy? How about a conversation? She asked some sideline specific questions which required detailed answers without first asking about the big picture, like "What brings you here?" Really strange. So, I droned on for 45 minutes like some drugged out Stepford wife about two issues. She couldn't even keep what I was telling her straight- it was in chronological order as she had asked. Then, she couldn't keep her details straight and forgot her own questions. It was so bizarre. It was like I was sitting up on the bookcase watching this whole scenario and wondering why I wasn't walking out. At any rate, she indicated that the session would soon end (thank God!), and I asked if I could get some details about her background and training. Well, she has 18 years of experience with EMDR, yet didn't know what I meant when I asked her about sense modalities she was familiar with when using EMDR (light, tapping, smell). Hmmm, when was her last training? Then, I asked her about using EMDR for complex trauma and she said she'd seen great success with this where as I've read that it's dicey. I asked about other modalities she used for trauma, like CBT and DBT. I actually got a blank stare. She also didn't know about local advocacy centers and she treats teens/families. Huh?! So, I asked her about what she treats most - her specialties, and she indicated domestic violence and substance abuse. I can see where there might be bleed over, but I was seeking a T with trauma and PTDS specific to abuse. These were listed as specialties on her insurance profile.

It was very frustrating, a waste of my time, and a waste of my insurance company's payment. No wonder the office process and she triggered me. Substance abuse therapists, at least from what I've experienced, are rigid, dogmatic and expect clients to lie. She's just like the last one, subterfuge, manipulation and coercion. No thank you. For now, I'll go this alone rather than subject myself to more abuse from "mental health professionals."

 

[Chava]

Hope you can find a therapist you feel comfortable with. I researched carefully for my last one...was able to find her trainings and areas of specialty online. I was also able to talk on the phone first, but she is private practice and the downside is that my new insurance won't pay. So there are ups and downs to the whole insurance network b.s. for sure. I've really liked all of my substance abuse therapists...funny, flexible, creative. So I don't think everything fits into categories. Anyway, just look for someone who works with complex trauma. I really appreciated the thorough intake (questionnaire and talking) with my current therapist. If you don't want to fill this stuff out, maybe ask if you can talk first and fill in portions later...or just put something minimal. It helped guide our work right away. I personally hate questions like, "So why are you here?" (holy crap, I have no idea how to begin to answer that). I probably felt comfortable with that since I was able to talk to the therapist over the phone first.

The credit card info sounds creepy and rigid to me.

Sounds like you have to find someone you feel okay working with. It can be frustrating. Keep researching but also try to be a little flexible and open if you meet someone that treats complex trauma or has training you either don't quite understand yet or have not tried. I'm not sure about EMDR for complex trauma either, but I'd sure want to know the therapist had a lot of tools and not just one.

 

[shandemonium]

I just went through a long and brutal search and finally found a therapist I like.

I have a bit of advice that I think might help you:

I made an excel spreadsheet with a list of therapists to potentially contact. Separately, I made a list of qualities that my ideal therapist MUST have and a list of "wish they have too". My MUST HAVE list was: 1. Works with low-income 2.Actually gives a shit about me 3. Has love in their hearts and souls and 4. Female

Then I decided I would interview them and put them in the hot seat. Instead of going into all of my painful memories in several harsh (and f*cking heartless) phone consultations and then hear about whether they could "fit me in" etc etc, I decided to be the one in power!

I had two questions for every therapist. I gave them NOTHING about me except that I was a ptsd case and needed someone with experience. My two questions were:
1. How do you help people with a lot of trauma?
2. Why do you do this (I mean, what personally motivated them)?

Then I would sit back, listen to their answers and take notes. I really went with my gut. I was wrong about the first one, but she was sweet at least, just inexperienced. And then I finally found a good therapist :)

I can't emphasize enough how angry and hopeless I was before deciding to go this route. I was actually a little rough and acted like I was judging them on some kind of weird reality show, lol, but it made a huge difference in the end.

Remember that they work for you, not the other way around. When I imagined myself as the one with the power to decide if they were LUCKY enough to be chosen by me, it made all the difference I swear!

 

[katiekat]

I agree with @shandemonium!

 

[theotherside]

@shandemonium...that is a great idea..im looking for a new t and have already met with 4 but i went in there to spill my guts out (to see if they could help me) but i get so dissociated that it goes to sh** after that. The other problem is so far im more comfortable with one of the males ( i saw 2 women, 2 men) and idk if i can handle that..since some of my abuse was from males..its so confusing. He was just so much more qualified and i felt he got it. Anyway, im still going to see 2 more and then try to decide..
Thanks for your suggestions, hope i can be brave for that :)

@VioletButterfly thanks for this post. I hope you find a nrw T soon. Good for you protecting yourself.

 

[rainy_daze]

@VioletButterfly :eek::eek::eek: I would have ran a mile, literally, or locked myself in the bathroom and cried. That is quite horrendous from start to finish [your whole experience, no just with a clueless sounding therapist. What a horrid receptionist].

I hope you find a better T soon. One who knows what you're actually talking about. It's frightening to think there are people getting paid out there who don't really have the expertise or knowledge needed.

 

[Seasounds]

Love your clarity, your courage, your authority, and your astute experience/knowledge of what suits you. Inspiring!

 

[rightkindofme]

I find that I have to work with therapists who believe in Harm Reduction. It's a specific therapeutic approach (uhm... often directed at the substance abuse community... sorry about that bit...) that encourages looking at your life holistically and figuring out how to take baby-steps towards healthier choices. No abstinence only business. (I know 12-step work great for about 5% of the population. I'm not in that group.) There is a lot less pressure to "be honest" because there is less attitude that you are dirty or a piece of... yucky stuff.

I have a really extensive pre-screening process after seeing 21 therapists. You are a consumer. A phone pre-screening is a deal breaker for me. If you can't talk to me in advance of me driving who-knows-how-far to see you... I can't be bothered. We won't mesh.

I'm sorry this was so upsetting. Good for you for not giving in.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Wow! In a good way..... Thank you so much for your responses, observations, suggestions, and support! I came out here thinking I'd find responses indicating that I was a raving, venting loon. I was certainly venting my frustration over my not listening to and following my own intuition, and also the unprofessionalism I was met with at the provider’s office. I am very encouraged right now though by all of you.

Regarding selecting a provider, I did extensive research on the providers in the area and those in my network. I have to stick with my network as I am unemployed and can’t really afford the insurance premium, much less paying for therapy. I do have set questions to ask, but hadn't thought to ask about why they chose to be a therapist. Unfortunately, the T’s I have worked with were still working out their issues during my therapy, so I’m not sure I’d believe them anyway. Lol When I have asked T’s in the past that I’ve worked with, I was told it was “to help others.”

I do have deal breakers, one actually being speaking to the T before making an appointment; however, for some reason, I went into a "fawn" response with the receptionist this time around. I have HUGE issues with this behavior/response that I am aware of and trying to work through. I found an article on this topic out here through another post, read it, and it smacked me between the eyes – “This is me, OMG!” In this instance, standing up for my need to feel safe in therapy on some level while remaining in control of my emotions and being polite was good for me, even if I wasn’t as forthright as I’d like to have been with the receptionist. She’s a gatekeeper, though, and they usually respond in the manner in which they have been trained. I get that. I might also have asked the T about her experience/training before falling into answering her questions as well. Maybe I would have, then, also been able to ask about having a general discussion before going straight into such a specific excavation of two topics. I guess it’s a forest/tree conundrum. Needless to say, I have a great deal of work to do in this area of awareness, assertiveness, and communication.

Overall, this has been a learning opportunity for me to see where I am stronger and where I need a lot of work. Today, instead of beating myself up as I did the day of the appointment, I’m giving myself credit for taking a risk and trying to help myself by even considering therapy again after what I’ve been through in the past with therapists, in protecting myself by refusing to complete the form as it felt unsafe, in standing up for myself with the receptionist instead of caving in and acquiescing, and for not going off the deep end and going full-on destructive on myself when the appointment ended up being less than I wanted. Maybe it was supposed to turn out just as it did so that I could arrive at all the insights that I now have? Just a thought – a good thought. J I also made a determination in the midst of the therapy appointment that this therapist was not for me, no harm no foul, - just not a good fit. That’s a huge step! There was no doubt (a new way of being for me) that I was not going to return for therapy with this woman, but I remained composed and polite during and when I left the appointment, as was she. The world did not come to an end, I was not a broken, messed up beyond all hope, bad person; this was just an attempt to find help – an experiment. No extrapolations necessary.

I also acknowledged what I think I already knew on some level – I’m not ready for trauma work. I think forcing myself into doing all of that research, contemplating interviewing, and actually opening Pandora’s boxes sent me reeling and is why I posted what I did on the suicide forum. I’m just not ready right now to work with someone else on these issues. I am ready, though, to work with myself. I want to know myself better first before talking to someone else on a deep level about what I have going on. I want to know that I am capable of taking care of myself, first, and that is possible for me. I have so many tools at my disposal. I think I’m connecting dots now that will help me know how and when to use them. I’m making a good deal of progress in this regard. For example, each attempt I make to express myself or in responding to another is a learning experience for me right now. Windows are opening and understanding is coming in. I’m reaching back and reconnecting to some things from that past that helped in my recovery and I’m looking down new avenues as well, this forum being one. Thank you, thank you to all of you who are trying and working so hard to help yourselves. It is so inspiring.

So, I’ve decided to go it alone for a bit to see how I do by using what I have in my tool kit and sharing with other fellow travelers. I do have a couple of names left on my list and might even re-evaluate the list based upon what I need today instead of what I might need at the end of the figurative week (trauma work) if I feel that I need some support. This might be a counselor who works with me on identity and relationship issues, or coping skills and grief work. I’m not sure, I just know that I need to find it therapeutic in terms of toning me and strengthening me for the next leg of the journey, and not pulling me under the waves of memories and triggers.

I like the idea of “harm reduction” and will do some research on that. BTW – I heard that approach mentioned last night on an episode of “Hoarders.” I know, why am I watching that?! Hey, I was surfing….. :0 It was good to see it demonstrated though; it made a lot of sense. I felt horrible for the man suffering from his mental issues. Heartbreaking.

The 12-step programs were also mentioned in the responses above and my take on the programs is that I have found the concepts to be very helpful. I especially like the slogans as they are like nano-byte thought direction changers which seem to underpin living a happier and less-encumbered life. A while back, I went regularly to good, ESH laden, Al Anon groups with people who had a lot of recovery and found them very helpful. I wasn’t so enthused with the 12-step substance addiction side of the house; however. For me, the substance-directed programs just didn’t work with my way of thinking and were very triggering for me. That might be due to my background in being abused and being ACOA. Also, I think, and from what I’ve read, treating EDs is different from treating substance abuse so the model is different in many ways.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, and for taking the time to send out your wonderful responses above and for your thoughtful support. It means so much to me to be able to communicate honestly with people who walk in similar shoes and who don’t judge, but who understand and offer positive suggestions and support. :hug:

 

[rainy_daze]

I am ready, though, to work with myself. I want to know myself better first before talking to someone else on a deep level about what I have going on. I want to know that I am capable of taking care of myself, first, and that is possible for me.

This is very wise and healthy ^.

I hope that the other Ts you meet will understand where you are at in your recovery process. Remember, therapy is for you, and if you can articulate what it is you want from it (and I see no reason why not, as your writing is very clear and it seems to me you know what you want once you have had a chance to reflect), it is easier to put a plan in place of what therapy can do/how it can benefit you. [Also, I think stability is very important before delving into the past trauma(s), so it is good to read that you know this already.]

Good luck with it all :).

 

[ghotiff]

phone pre-screening

This is what I did to find my current T. If they won't give me a 5min phone call for "free" then they are not a good fit for me....standing up to and sticking to my boundaries is always easier in writing, then in a phone call, and least able to be done in person.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hi. I started looking again for a therapist as I just felt I couldn't go at this anymore alone. I spoke with one yesterday and now have an appointment set up for Monday. I am hoping this appointment will go better than the last one. This T has experience in what I need to work on (from my perspective) and knew what I was talking about when I told her I was a poster child for an adult child of a narcissist alcoholic that is now that person's comprehensive POA due to Alzheimer's. I'm just praying that all will work out to be helpful and that I'll be supported. I got some news today re: my mother (above referenced n/al/alz) that sent me over the edge. I'm glad for Monday's appointment and hope that it turns out to be beneficial. I don't want to live in this state of being anymore. VB