I started outpatient counseling around the age of 8 due to aggressive outbursts and was diagnosed with depression. Even at that age, I had a tendency to think I was 100% responsible for, and thus should be in complete control of, my thoughts and feelings. I hated, and still hate, being an inconvenience. My problems were my own. I lied to my parents and therapists to make everyone think everything was getting better.
I spent the next 20+ years in a cycle of minor successes and mental breakdowns, punctuated by suicide attempts, alcoholism, divorce, & lost jobs. To frustrate things further, and diminish my confidence in all my therapists over that time, I received diagnoses ranging from ADHD & OCD to BPD & GAD. (Acronyms, yay!) I also developed a habit of running away from situations I couldn't handle, and it was only after I decided to drop my entire life and move alone to a town 2000 miles away that I'd only visited twice, without a job or any real plan, that I finally realized things weren't going to get better until I was honest about what happened to me.
I think I'd been trying to avoid a PTSD diagnosis because of how it might affect how people saw me, or the effects it might have on my family, despite not being particularly close to them. I dreaded it. I was always told by my family to just toughen up--I couldn't change what happened so I just needed to learn to deal with it on my own and not make it their problem (and while I do care about those people and don't want to blame anyone or go into detail, they're objectively 100% responsible for what happened). But really I knew the diagnosis was inevitable as soon as I was honest with my therapist.
My worst symptoms are anxiety (with anger/panic attacks), depression, dissociation, avoidance, nightmares/sleep disturbances, paranoia, and substance abuse--mostly alcohol and any Rx I've been given with an abuse potential to let me check out from reality. I'm overprotective to the point it interferes in the lives of those around me, and terrified of bad things happening to people I care about. I have a lot of problems with interpersonal relationships, and have some irrational prejudices against men. I'm terrified of the police, military, or basically anyone my brain has decided to associate with violence or control. I constantly tear myself down due to my condition, and view it as a weakness despite rationally knowing that I didn't choose this. And, most frustrating for me, a stray thought can send me into a fit of crying or some sort of dissociative state, and this has happened a few times a day since I was a child.
I struggle at work, mostly because people look to me to be rational and level-headed, to make decisions and deal with difficult problems, when most of the time I'm struggling just to not freak out over every intrusive thought or perceived ill-intention. Most recently, after a long stretch of overtime and intense work stress due to a major acquisition, I fell into another pattern of substance abuse (I was taking my full daily dose of lorazepam every 2-3 hours at work, inevitably taking at least 3-4 times as much as I was supposed to, though I don't remember half of it...) and had to take a LOA after some of the worst, most unrelenting symptoms I've EVER had started when I discontinued the lorazepam. I've only been able to return to work intermittently, since symptoms have been much worse the last 6-8 weeks and I'm less likely to have a meltdown when I'm less worried about it happening in public. Luckily, my employer has been very understanding, and that situation will likely improve once accommodations are made, but I'm having to wait for some other reorganization in my department before that can happen.
But this morning I've called out from work yet again since I've barely slept since Thursday and don't know what else to do. I've been browsing the forums for a couple weeks and just registered this morning, and the experiences I've had the opportunity to read here have made me feel significantly less alone, so I figured this might be a safe place for me to introduce myself.
Sorry about all the words. There's a good chance I'll fear I've overshared and edit this post down quite a bit once I get some sleep, but I'm not there, yet.
I spent the next 20+ years in a cycle of minor successes and mental breakdowns, punctuated by suicide attempts, alcoholism, divorce, & lost jobs. To frustrate things further, and diminish my confidence in all my therapists over that time, I received diagnoses ranging from ADHD & OCD to BPD & GAD. (Acronyms, yay!) I also developed a habit of running away from situations I couldn't handle, and it was only after I decided to drop my entire life and move alone to a town 2000 miles away that I'd only visited twice, without a job or any real plan, that I finally realized things weren't going to get better until I was honest about what happened to me.
I think I'd been trying to avoid a PTSD diagnosis because of how it might affect how people saw me, or the effects it might have on my family, despite not being particularly close to them. I dreaded it. I was always told by my family to just toughen up--I couldn't change what happened so I just needed to learn to deal with it on my own and not make it their problem (and while I do care about those people and don't want to blame anyone or go into detail, they're objectively 100% responsible for what happened). But really I knew the diagnosis was inevitable as soon as I was honest with my therapist.
My worst symptoms are anxiety (with anger/panic attacks), depression, dissociation, avoidance, nightmares/sleep disturbances, paranoia, and substance abuse--mostly alcohol and any Rx I've been given with an abuse potential to let me check out from reality. I'm overprotective to the point it interferes in the lives of those around me, and terrified of bad things happening to people I care about. I have a lot of problems with interpersonal relationships, and have some irrational prejudices against men. I'm terrified of the police, military, or basically anyone my brain has decided to associate with violence or control. I constantly tear myself down due to my condition, and view it as a weakness despite rationally knowing that I didn't choose this. And, most frustrating for me, a stray thought can send me into a fit of crying or some sort of dissociative state, and this has happened a few times a day since I was a child.
I struggle at work, mostly because people look to me to be rational and level-headed, to make decisions and deal with difficult problems, when most of the time I'm struggling just to not freak out over every intrusive thought or perceived ill-intention. Most recently, after a long stretch of overtime and intense work stress due to a major acquisition, I fell into another pattern of substance abuse (I was taking my full daily dose of lorazepam every 2-3 hours at work, inevitably taking at least 3-4 times as much as I was supposed to, though I don't remember half of it...) and had to take a LOA after some of the worst, most unrelenting symptoms I've EVER had started when I discontinued the lorazepam. I've only been able to return to work intermittently, since symptoms have been much worse the last 6-8 weeks and I'm less likely to have a meltdown when I'm less worried about it happening in public. Luckily, my employer has been very understanding, and that situation will likely improve once accommodations are made, but I'm having to wait for some other reorganization in my department before that can happen.
But this morning I've called out from work yet again since I've barely slept since Thursday and don't know what else to do. I've been browsing the forums for a couple weeks and just registered this morning, and the experiences I've had the opportunity to read here have made me feel significantly less alone, so I figured this might be a safe place for me to introduce myself.
Sorry about all the words. There's a good chance I'll fear I've overshared and edit this post down quite a bit once I get some sleep, but I'm not there, yet.
