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Deleted member 49882
I’m new to the forum. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD only recently but I knew I had it for well over a decade, and it’s been making me very angry and sad lately.
I experienced a traumatic event in college. I didn’t get abused physically. I was dealing with severe depression at the time and I made a mistake in school that ultimately resulted in public humiliation, a brutal Google record, a severely tarnished academic record, major consequences to my career and grad school aspirations, and most importantly my mental health, which was already very complex before the incident occurred.
When the trauma happened, I was in fight or flight followed by intense self hate. I never explained the truth about why I made my mistake, that I was severely ill. Social stigma in academia and public spheres around chronic mental illness, as I’m sure you know, is so deep that disclosing truth can make matters far worse. I was trapped at that time, and all I could do was acknowledge my mistake and apologize, which I did repeatedly. It didn’t matter. I was pulverized in the press, by administrators etc and even threatened with expulsion. There are still articles out there to this day.
Lately my anger has been intense. I think about this event daily, and in the past I thought about it at least twice a week. Many different common things evoke memories and anguish about this event.
I started writing an essay about it a few months ago. I’m contemplating pitching it to a few magazines, websites and newspapers. The challenges are 1) to tell the story means disclosure of private health info, 2) it could lead to abuse online, further damage to career prospects etc and 3) the people in power could very well ignore it and pass the blame to me Ie ‘It’s not my fault this guy happened to have a mental illness’
The major upside is that I think publishing the truth would make me feel stronger. I also think there are several valuable lessons in my story, namely about people’s tendency to judge without asking questions and to treat others with zero empathy. There’s also something in there about the flaws in making an example of someone.
In my case, there were many ‘abusers’ — at least 8. But there are two in particular, the two who decided to name me publicly, who are always on my mind, one of whom I knew fairy well, the main one who, intentionally or not, buried me and left me for dead.
I’d love some advice. Direct messages especially. I don’t know anyone who I can talk to about this besides my psychologists and my psychiatrist. My wife doesn’t quite get it, but she’s supportive when she can be. And almost all the abusers are still alive.
I’m starting EMDR soon. I’ve done CBT but didn’t get much help from it. I do talk therapy twice a week. I’ve always been medicated.
My anger and sadness interfere with so much these days. Work, relationships, focus, sleep. There’s something about being chronically mentally ill before a traumatic event that makes that event have so much more impact. Many other people would just bounce back. I got destroyed and my brain is my greatest weapon and my worst enemy.
Thanks
Me
I experienced a traumatic event in college. I didn’t get abused physically. I was dealing with severe depression at the time and I made a mistake in school that ultimately resulted in public humiliation, a brutal Google record, a severely tarnished academic record, major consequences to my career and grad school aspirations, and most importantly my mental health, which was already very complex before the incident occurred.
When the trauma happened, I was in fight or flight followed by intense self hate. I never explained the truth about why I made my mistake, that I was severely ill. Social stigma in academia and public spheres around chronic mental illness, as I’m sure you know, is so deep that disclosing truth can make matters far worse. I was trapped at that time, and all I could do was acknowledge my mistake and apologize, which I did repeatedly. It didn’t matter. I was pulverized in the press, by administrators etc and even threatened with expulsion. There are still articles out there to this day.
Lately my anger has been intense. I think about this event daily, and in the past I thought about it at least twice a week. Many different common things evoke memories and anguish about this event.
I started writing an essay about it a few months ago. I’m contemplating pitching it to a few magazines, websites and newspapers. The challenges are 1) to tell the story means disclosure of private health info, 2) it could lead to abuse online, further damage to career prospects etc and 3) the people in power could very well ignore it and pass the blame to me Ie ‘It’s not my fault this guy happened to have a mental illness’
The major upside is that I think publishing the truth would make me feel stronger. I also think there are several valuable lessons in my story, namely about people’s tendency to judge without asking questions and to treat others with zero empathy. There’s also something in there about the flaws in making an example of someone.
In my case, there were many ‘abusers’ — at least 8. But there are two in particular, the two who decided to name me publicly, who are always on my mind, one of whom I knew fairy well, the main one who, intentionally or not, buried me and left me for dead.
I’d love some advice. Direct messages especially. I don’t know anyone who I can talk to about this besides my psychologists and my psychiatrist. My wife doesn’t quite get it, but she’s supportive when she can be. And almost all the abusers are still alive.
I’m starting EMDR soon. I’ve done CBT but didn’t get much help from it. I do talk therapy twice a week. I’ve always been medicated.
My anger and sadness interfere with so much these days. Work, relationships, focus, sleep. There’s something about being chronically mentally ill before a traumatic event that makes that event have so much more impact. Many other people would just bounce back. I got destroyed and my brain is my greatest weapon and my worst enemy.
Thanks
Me