just in a my-that's-how-it's-always-been since He began touching this body. One of us needed to document what was going on, one of us needed to feel, one of us needed to keep this body alive and responding to His commands, etc.
Rizeho here, i understand checking out but must be present to follow orders. Mine was ritual abuse, it was a cult, and as a kid I made up identities and they had names. My current therapist pointed out how those names usually mirror our own some or are part of our trauma (like what they called you for instance). But i dropped the names at 19 when I got out and they never spit into seperate identities, so I never developed DID.
But, the part of me that remembers is the checked out part. I remember up to and after the worst of it but during i was gone and have no memory of during the worst stuff. I also have what I call an "inner child" that my therapist says is haulted emotions.
What it caused, though not DID, is a complete seperation from it. When I talk about it, I sound like Im talking about the weather or someone else. Because of the identies at the time, it feels like it was someone else and I had a VERY hard time bridging that gap even the very slight bit that ive done.
Though I dont have DID, schizoaffective or schizophrenia, i do understand that spit during the trauma very well. And i also understand the feeling of "always been" and it has taken me 8 years of therapy to get to the place that I am starting to accept that though its always been, it may not be correct or the way it should be.
Cult beliefs and rituals are also hard to turn around as its taking what ive always known and turing it upside down or inside out.
Also, ive always heard this sound that sounds like a crowded lunchroom. I can't make out a certian voice or any words, just very loud crowd-like noise that gets louder and louder until I want to rip off my head. When I was trying to get the "god stuff" i was told it was demons. ** eye roll ** Anyway, that stopped after a while of being on here but seems to have come back after my mom (one of the cult leaders) died, intermittently.
I know being on medication can be hard but maybe give therapy another go? Maybe there is medication that can help that allows you to function and not be a drolling mess?
I was told that Seriquel would be that way but I am on XR, the extended release, so its not that bad and on a low dose that helps for anxiety and intense emotions. I would think that for schizophrenia, you'd need a higher dose but why not start slow on a lower dose and ease your way up? It's an anti-psycotic but in low doses its given for all sorts of reasons, just like Abilify is. Or what ever med a new therapist wants you on. Just start at a much lower dose or lower the one you were on? Think about it anyway.
Id try to at least go back to therapy as there are many, MANY, good ones out there. You just need to look.
You all are worth it!! :hug:
