General This Happened To Me :( Has It Ever Happened To You Guys??

[Steph_F]

I cut and pasted this off of another website (I could not find any copywrite info or anything that said that I had to have permission to share it so I hope its ok):

We have not been directly exposed to the trauma scene, but we hear the story told with such intensity, or we hear similar stories so often, or we have the gift and curse of extreme empathy and we suffer. We feel the feelings of our clients. We experience their fears. We dream their dreams. Eventually, we lose a certain spark of optimism, humor and hope. We tire. We aren't sick, but we aren't ourselves.

Care givers report the following signs and symptoms of Compassion Fatigue:
· Bystanders guilt
· Rage
· Grief
· Dread
· Anxiety
· Numbing—”I have nothing left to give.” Detached from the world around you.
· Panic attacks
· Alcohol abuse/drug abuse
· Disturbed sleep
· Nightmares
· Spontaneous crying spells---”for no reason”
· Irritable outbursts/Impatience
· Difficulty concentrating
· Chronically late for work
· Depression

All of these things happened to me the very first time M broke up with me and I got the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" talk. I have never used drugs, but I found myself going out and drinking more and being a bit more reckless with alcohol than usual. I was so scared; I thought I was going crazy!! I don't know all his combat stories so I ended up imagining him in every war scene in movies, I pictured him in the most horrific of battles with such graphic details that I gave myself night terrors for weeks.



 

[NikkiNikki]

I experienced most of these things when my ex (ptsd sufferer) and I broke up. Sometimes I still do & its been over 3 months since our breakup. Especially the spontaneous crying spells. As hard as I try NOT to think about him & what happened to us, I just can not help it. He is constantly on my mind, what he did to me is constantly on my mind, and I keep thinking about what he gave up. I hate it. I want to have some sort of mind erase & have every memory of him taken from my mind...I guess only time can make things easier.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Ahhhh time... I wonder...when willl I feel happy, I mean really happy again - He is always on my mind. I wonder if he is ok where ever he is. Im sad that he is missing out so much with myself and our daughter at home. Etc etc - I find myself not able to sleep well most nights and just stay up until I cant think anymore and then I can finally sleep. Yes I cry alot...still, I mean hes been gone for a year - yes we are still married, but its just words on a paper. - This is not a marriage.

Today is a good example - I had a really good day and the I get home and there is a letter in my mailbox - yes I recognize the familiar writing on the envelope - no return address, no note - just a check to help me with bills....I dont know it made me feel strange- sad- like someone just kicked me in the stomach... thats all the interaction we get from him.

I think I have enough feelings for the both of us - you know its like he has none - and I compensate.

Secondary PTSD is what they call it - where we seem to adapt almost the same symptoms - isolating - depression - etc. -

My counsler said we mourn- we mourn for who they used to be and the way that things were.

I also believe that if we didnt love them so much, it would be easier for us.... but I do love him, as Im sure you other supports love your Veterans, and thats what makes this so hard.

But I am slowly learning that I need to take care of whats right in front of me - Myself and our daughter. - without him... I dont like it, but its what I've gotta do.

...and pray that time will be gentle - I will never forget, but I also cannot let it run my life or I will be no good to myself or my family that he walked away from.

 

[princessx]

I experienced most of these things when my ex (ptsd sufferer) and I broke up. Sometimes I still do & its been over 3 months since our breakup. Especially the spontaneous crying spells. As hard as I try NOT to think about him & what happened to us, I just can not help it. He is constantly on my mind, what he did to me is constantly on my mind, and I keep thinking about what he gave up. I hate it. I want to have some sort of mind erase & have every memory of him taken from my mind...I guess only time can make things easier.

I feel the exact same way, girl. Just know that you are not alone.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey, its a proven fact that spouses and children that live in a house with people with un-diagnosed PTSD can often display symptoms.
In 2007, after I completed the PTSD course and was on the right medication, I learnt not to yell.
What I was left with, was a very angry young boy who still has anger problems today. On top of that, some of my step children displayed other symptoms. It happens.

Sorry for coming into your area and making comment.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Jimmy! your input is not only welcomed but vital! Please give us any insight you can. We need it and you!

So glad you are feeling better.

Red

 

[Ned]

! I don't know all his combat stories so I ended up imagining him in every war scene in movies, I pictured him in the most horrific of battles with such graphic details that I gave myself night terrors for weeks.


This sounds very familiar. I tell my girl bugger-all, but she obviously picks up on clues and joins up the dots herself. And she imagines the worst, way beyond what has actually happened.
If we communicated better then there wouldn't be any need to fill the gaps with your imagination. There's a whole raft of reasons we don't:
It's just not right, why tell war-stories? That is for Walts
Why trawl that unpleasantness past you?
Quite often, we don't realise ourselves how (bad-horrific-dangerous) some things were (different scale)
Selective memory, I forgot about a few really bad things in Northeren Ireland for YEARS.
I'm not sure films or flash-bang TV are a good source of raw material to try and fill the gaps with.
Basically they'e entertainment (matter of opinion I know) and because of audience attention-span they miss 95% of the whole story.
1. The waiting. Some films try and convey this but how can you? There are times where everything has been set up, primed, rehearsed and then it's just waiting.................
Big long-term effect there.
2. The confusion. Again, some try hard (Band of Brothers, the attack on the German gun battery) to convey the utter chaos that a scrap can degenerate into. (People are always surprised that I find that Band of Brothers episode convincing, 'but you can't make out what's happening', yes, exactly...)
3. The frequent surreal incongruities. Hard enough trying to scan and prioritise and then something completely random pops up. The universal reaction amongst Brits is to tell it to F### Off or just laugh.
4. On scanning and prioritising, big subject this, hyper-vigilance, reaction etc. A lot of our problems seem to originate here. Look on the positive side. Films rarely show it working, but it does, that's why some of us are still here. Last week my girl started telling the welfare visitor how I still screen, scan, and 'clear' the house when I come back into it. I didn't even know I did that but my first reaction was, well, I was pleased (good, still doing it right). I ought to add she did say it was subtle, not forward rolls into every room....

Be careful about joining the dots and trying to fill in the gaps. It's very likely not as bad as your big pile of film scenes leads you to believe. Honestly, the real collection of baggage he's carrying around will have a totally different look, lots of boring long scenes of blokes being irritating, taking the piss, and sitting around on piles of kit. As for the noisy bits, they are rarely wide-screen you tend to get tunnel vision. So try a picture of him sitting around picking/scratching/inspecting various parts of his anatomy. That should put you off!

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

My counsler said we mourn- we mourn for who they used to be and the way that things were.

I think this is where I am now. He will be moving the rest of his things today or tomorrow. I have refused to pack up his things because I don't want to dismantle our life and if he does, then he has to do it. But we have been emailing and texting this past week and I have finally been able to tell him all of the things that I want to tell him. So I expressed how much I love him and that no matter what he does, I will not ever hate or belittle or berate or be mean to him because I love him. It is almost like he wants me to be mad at him and mean to him because that is what he knows and thinks he deserves. But I won't do it.

So I have started gathering some of his things so it is less painful for him when he comes to pack. I hope I have conveyed to him that I don't want him to go; I don't know what else I could have said or done. He did finally say that he is sorry and it was never his intention to hurt me and I told him that I know that, so hopefully that is a good place to leave it. I've also left the door open and let him know that he's the one for me and I won't be seeing anyone else and the door is open if he ever wants to come back.

So we'll see. But I'm also experiencing several but not all of the things Steph listed. Mine have been:
· Grief
· Dread
· Anxiety
· Numbing—”I have nothing left to give.” Detached from the world around you. (SOOO MUCH!!)
· Panic attacks (they wake me up)
· Disturbed sleep (have to take benadryl every night)
· Spontaneous crying spells---”for no reason”
· Irritable outbursts/Impatience
· Depression

Mostly I wish I could sleep and not wake up panicked because he's gone and I don't know if he's safe. I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol -- my drug of choice is chocolate. When he first left, I couldn't eat at all but I'm making up for it now.

I wish we could have had a chance with his PTSD but without his business pressures and the kids not wanting to share him. I know we could have made it work and yes, I do mourn for the way things could have been.

I also believe that if we didnt love them so much, it would be easier for us....

I think it would be easier for our Veterans if we didn't love them so much. There seems to be a direct correlation between how much we love them and how fast they run...or maybe how much we show them that we love them and how overwhelmed they get because they don't think they deserve it.

If they only knew that we love them for them..heart, mind, soul...... not what they have or haven't done.

Okay, enough. Sorry. Just needed to get that out.

Love to the harpies here....we really are in the same boat and I'm glad to know you all. You comfort me. Thanks.

Red

 

[wife of]

Jimmy dont you dare apologise for commenting on our posts this is not a suppoerters only section,we would never learn anything if you guys didnt interject,anyone knocking a vet for helping a supporter to understand is going to have to deal with me.....and even my best friends think I'm scary in the mood i'm currently in,,,full on red headed get on board or get out of the way shit storm here...

 

[diggin]

Love to the harpies here....we really are in the same boat and I'm glad to know you all. You comfort me. Thanks.

Red

This is really how I feel as well. I've not posted a lot yet, but it is so heartwarming to know that these feelings are not just me and mine. I am very relieved to see that others are dealing with similar situations (strange how similar it all seems).

It'll get easier Red. W broke up with me 9 months ago, (and we're long distance) but there are little bits of promise and hope,,,,,just hoping that erradicating the distance will help. But my point is to not lose hope, while at the same time looking out for yourself and doing right BY YOU.

 

[Sayling]

I agree with you diggin. Checking in here everyday I don't always post but read and it gives me the strength/courage to keep up with looking out for myself. I commend all the folks on here for their honesty, compassion, and knowledge. I am truly grateful for you all--carers and sufferers alike!

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

But my point is to not lose hope, while at the same time looking out for yourself and doing right BY YOU.

LOL, actually I'm doing everything wrong for myself. I'm eating sugar and isolating. Even whem I'm around people I feel completely unengaged...like there is some barrier between us. I feel crappy inside but can't seem to get back on track, except for exercising which I do every day. I will get back on track but it has been a crappy week with his things leaving the house...leaving big gaping holes around the house, like the gaping wounds in my heart.....hows that for descriptive? So I'm filling the holes with CARBS and chocolate chips cookes. I make great cookies.

I'm just moaning. PMSing so everything seems worse. It'll get better soon. Thanks for listening. I just double checked and made sure I'm in the Supporters section so I hope it is okay to have a bad moment in here.

Cheers,
Red