Apologies this is definitely going to be an epic rant, incoherent & waaaay too long! I know it may seem selfish to talk so much, but just venting is needed right now. So I won’t be offended if no one reads this, it’ll still do me good to have an outlet.
I’m feeling totally overwhelmed by all this now & it’s consuming me. It’s the middle of the night, I have work in morning & I’m wide awake & mind racing.
I am ranging from despair, to sorrow, to such frustration that I’m losing myself to this. I know I’m not alone here in being accused of things that aren’t true. But having it day in, day out for 2.5 years is finally really taking its toll on me. I’m struggling to rise above it like others here do. It hurts too much.
My sufferer, who refuses therapy & still isn’t doing anything to address her issues or even get a diagnosis, today sent me an article on how to live with someone with PTSD (So clearly she thinks she does have something going on with her!). I could point to about 80/90% of this article that I actually do even tho I’ve had zero help with this. But she sent it to me to show me how crap I am & how little I get right. Our problems are down to my failings as a supporter. She genuinely blanks out the vast majority of what I do for her, it’s like she’s blind to any positives. And all the while clearly ignoring the part of the article that says that traumatised people need professional help!
She refuses therapy because it’s “no help”. It “doesn’t do anything”. And this is a girl who has just quit her job to study Psychology! Not sure what I can even make of that. She says cos she understands what therapists do (through her previous job) that it wouldn’t work on her. I’ve tried to point out that even therapists can go to therapy. But she’s above it all.
I’ve been afraid to say this stuff out loud before because it makes ME feel bad to even think it; but she can be so self-righteous & arrogant at times. From things like the therapy to virtually anything she talks to me about/accuses me of. I’ve seen another poster mention the self-righteous thing; is this a common thing? I can’t lie, right now, I despise it.
She rings me, I talk to her, I’m calm, I’m empathetic...it’s nothing but rage straight back. From the offset. As soon as it’s her turn to speak she’s raising her voice, she’s swearing, she’s saying I’ve said things I haven’t, she’s telling me it’s ME who’s unwell...(to be fair, this last week, I probably am starting to feel unwell tho!!)
She’s immediately shouting & full of attitude for no reason. I interrupt purely to ask her to not fight me again, to talk & not shout...now I’m controlling her, not letting her speak, so she shouts more & more. And criminally I end up getting sucked into this tornado, pleading with her to stop but having to raise my voice in order to be heard. I’m now shouting just to ask her to stop shouting. And that makes me an idiot.
But I’ve also tried every other tactic & nothing stops her rage. I have asked her a million times, “if you’re getting angry/triggered, what can I do?” She’s never once given me an answer. She just lists off whatever I did the last time as something else not to do. I guess cos she doesn’t know herself probably. But then I’m the one being punished for not knowing.
I’ve told her I started to see a therapist myself last week, 2nd session today. I’ve told her I write in a forum for advice & support. This has triggered her paranoia. No one knows her so any advice is worthless. It’s only my side of the story (of course, yes this is true). Why am I even seeing a therapist or talking to strangers? Just to tell everyone how awful a person she is? Just to belittle her & moan about her & tell everyone how wonderful I am?
She wants to know what I’m saying to my therapist. Actually, more specifically, she wants clarification that I’m there to work on me. To sort out how much of a mess of a person I am. Cos it’s not about this undiagnosed/untreated illness as much as I make out, it’s about how crap & messed up a person I am. (Granted, tonight I am starting to feel like that messed up person for the first time!)
I told her that I’m seeing a therapist to address “everything”. Me, her & us. But that due to her aggressive tone & her attitude towards me seeking help that she hasn’t made me feel comfortable enough to divulge any more than that. It’s MY therapy, it’s my chance to reflect & what I choose to share is up to me. And maybe if she was making it an environment where I felt I could share then maybe there would be a time where I can discuss more with her, but not while she is behaving this way.
In fact, my answer to her question when I left therapy this morning was that I needed a little time to think & reflect. She immediately responded with the instant “goodbye forever” cos I was “keeping her in the dark”.
Only this last few days since telling her that I’m writing here & seeing a therapist has she started to repeatedly ask “yes, but what are you doing to fix YOU?!”. Not that I think I need fixing in the first place, but, this seems an odd question in response to that information?! The answer is simple - I’m working on me by writing in a forum for advice & seeing a therapist. But same again, “no, what are YOU doing to work on YOU?!”. This is puzzling.
Maybe she’s right that I attribute too much of our problems to this supposed illness she may or may not have. But then if I take away the illness like she wants, it really does not show her in a very good light at all. I’ve defended & forgiven a lot of her behaviour by thinking she’s not well. But she insists that tho she may have C-PTSD, she’s a wonderful, kind & generous person with good morals who doesn’t need to change, she’s happy with who she is. Which all sounds very great & positive.
Except the person she is, on several occasions, has shut me down & spoken over me & even physically walked away from me as I tried to speak with her about the death of my mother, whom I had been a carer for for 4 years. And when I calmly explained why I looked sad, was told to “f**k off out of this house!”. I basically had to give up trying to share the most significant period of my life with the person who’s supposed to be the most significant person in my life, my partner.
The person she is, is so furiously jealous about me having any contact with other women that she tells me she could go f**k my best friend in an instant just to teach his partner a lesson for posing in a photograph on Facebook with me.
The person she is dumped me & embarrassingly blocked me & all members of my family from her Facebook & then advertised herself on a dating website because when she asked if she could ring me one day, I said I was momentarily busy & would ring her ASAP.
The person she is let me spend time & money on decorating a bedroom in my own home purely for her 2 children (before I’d even met them) to then be told that I in fact did that all for myself. And nearly 2 years later, she’s still never once brought them here to stay. Tho she’s angry if my father or a friend stays in that room, because “that’s my children’s room”.
When her 8 year old son wiped urine on my top rather than wash his hands & I told him he shouldn’t do that cos it’s naughty, I was later told that she simply did not believe me that it had happened. And that she would always believe WHATEVER her children said over me. And for keeping my composure & simply telling him not to do that, well, I was a raging monster & “parenting is not a boot camp”.
The night I finally, after 2 years, had to encounter her ex husband at her son’s birthday party after a lot of anguish on his part about me “the new boyfriend”, I simply asked that she support me a little by making sure I was a part of things with her, that we were a couple now. As soon as her ex arrived, a man she despises, she literally walked away from me, sat herself with him & his family & left me sat alone for the rest of the party, barely checking in on me at all. Later when I pointed this out, I’m selfish for trying to pull rank at her son’s birthday party.
The person she is was trusted to go on a wkend trip with her ex husband & their 2 children only a few months into our relationship, only to blank me during that trip & make no contact with me while she shared accommodation with him. Why? Cos I met up with my best friend & went for a few beers.
The list goes on & on & on & on & there’s probably worse moments that I can’t even recall right now.
So maybe, yeah, I’ve been defending her too much by using this illness as an excuse. And maybe she is happy with who she is. But I know that with all the accusations she has thrown at me, all the things I’ve been told I’ve said & done, all the ways I’ve supposedly made her feel worthless, etc, I know I’ve never done anything on a par with her long list of mistakes. All I’ve ever asked of her is basic common decency & she so rarely delivers. But overall I’m happy with who I am too. (Maybe not tonight! But in general!)
And possibly what I’ve got to come to terms with is that maybe I’ve just been very foolish & I believed in the wrong person? I don’t doubt there is an illness here, but maybe there’s also just a selfish, arrogant, abusive, controlling & bullying person in there too.
Or maybe I’m just ranting & she does in fact need help cos it’s effecting her in all sorts of ways like I’ve always believed? But either way she’s doing nothing about it & insists her morals & personality are solid & kind & she has apparently given me “everything”.
And the biggest question of all...what the hell is wrong with me that I am STILL in love & believe in someone who can treat me this way?
I’m feeling totally overwhelmed by all this now & it’s consuming me. It’s the middle of the night, I have work in morning & I’m wide awake & mind racing.
I am ranging from despair, to sorrow, to such frustration that I’m losing myself to this. I know I’m not alone here in being accused of things that aren’t true. But having it day in, day out for 2.5 years is finally really taking its toll on me. I’m struggling to rise above it like others here do. It hurts too much.
My sufferer, who refuses therapy & still isn’t doing anything to address her issues or even get a diagnosis, today sent me an article on how to live with someone with PTSD (So clearly she thinks she does have something going on with her!). I could point to about 80/90% of this article that I actually do even tho I’ve had zero help with this. But she sent it to me to show me how crap I am & how little I get right. Our problems are down to my failings as a supporter. She genuinely blanks out the vast majority of what I do for her, it’s like she’s blind to any positives. And all the while clearly ignoring the part of the article that says that traumatised people need professional help!
She refuses therapy because it’s “no help”. It “doesn’t do anything”. And this is a girl who has just quit her job to study Psychology! Not sure what I can even make of that. She says cos she understands what therapists do (through her previous job) that it wouldn’t work on her. I’ve tried to point out that even therapists can go to therapy. But she’s above it all.
I’ve been afraid to say this stuff out loud before because it makes ME feel bad to even think it; but she can be so self-righteous & arrogant at times. From things like the therapy to virtually anything she talks to me about/accuses me of. I’ve seen another poster mention the self-righteous thing; is this a common thing? I can’t lie, right now, I despise it.
She rings me, I talk to her, I’m calm, I’m empathetic...it’s nothing but rage straight back. From the offset. As soon as it’s her turn to speak she’s raising her voice, she’s swearing, she’s saying I’ve said things I haven’t, she’s telling me it’s ME who’s unwell...(to be fair, this last week, I probably am starting to feel unwell tho!!)
She’s immediately shouting & full of attitude for no reason. I interrupt purely to ask her to not fight me again, to talk & not shout...now I’m controlling her, not letting her speak, so she shouts more & more. And criminally I end up getting sucked into this tornado, pleading with her to stop but having to raise my voice in order to be heard. I’m now shouting just to ask her to stop shouting. And that makes me an idiot.
But I’ve also tried every other tactic & nothing stops her rage. I have asked her a million times, “if you’re getting angry/triggered, what can I do?” She’s never once given me an answer. She just lists off whatever I did the last time as something else not to do. I guess cos she doesn’t know herself probably. But then I’m the one being punished for not knowing.
I’ve told her I started to see a therapist myself last week, 2nd session today. I’ve told her I write in a forum for advice & support. This has triggered her paranoia. No one knows her so any advice is worthless. It’s only my side of the story (of course, yes this is true). Why am I even seeing a therapist or talking to strangers? Just to tell everyone how awful a person she is? Just to belittle her & moan about her & tell everyone how wonderful I am?
She wants to know what I’m saying to my therapist. Actually, more specifically, she wants clarification that I’m there to work on me. To sort out how much of a mess of a person I am. Cos it’s not about this undiagnosed/untreated illness as much as I make out, it’s about how crap & messed up a person I am. (Granted, tonight I am starting to feel like that messed up person for the first time!)
I told her that I’m seeing a therapist to address “everything”. Me, her & us. But that due to her aggressive tone & her attitude towards me seeking help that she hasn’t made me feel comfortable enough to divulge any more than that. It’s MY therapy, it’s my chance to reflect & what I choose to share is up to me. And maybe if she was making it an environment where I felt I could share then maybe there would be a time where I can discuss more with her, but not while she is behaving this way.
In fact, my answer to her question when I left therapy this morning was that I needed a little time to think & reflect. She immediately responded with the instant “goodbye forever” cos I was “keeping her in the dark”.
Only this last few days since telling her that I’m writing here & seeing a therapist has she started to repeatedly ask “yes, but what are you doing to fix YOU?!”. Not that I think I need fixing in the first place, but, this seems an odd question in response to that information?! The answer is simple - I’m working on me by writing in a forum for advice & seeing a therapist. But same again, “no, what are YOU doing to work on YOU?!”. This is puzzling.
Maybe she’s right that I attribute too much of our problems to this supposed illness she may or may not have. But then if I take away the illness like she wants, it really does not show her in a very good light at all. I’ve defended & forgiven a lot of her behaviour by thinking she’s not well. But she insists that tho she may have C-PTSD, she’s a wonderful, kind & generous person with good morals who doesn’t need to change, she’s happy with who she is. Which all sounds very great & positive.
Except the person she is, on several occasions, has shut me down & spoken over me & even physically walked away from me as I tried to speak with her about the death of my mother, whom I had been a carer for for 4 years. And when I calmly explained why I looked sad, was told to “f**k off out of this house!”. I basically had to give up trying to share the most significant period of my life with the person who’s supposed to be the most significant person in my life, my partner.
The person she is, is so furiously jealous about me having any contact with other women that she tells me she could go f**k my best friend in an instant just to teach his partner a lesson for posing in a photograph on Facebook with me.
The person she is dumped me & embarrassingly blocked me & all members of my family from her Facebook & then advertised herself on a dating website because when she asked if she could ring me one day, I said I was momentarily busy & would ring her ASAP.
The person she is let me spend time & money on decorating a bedroom in my own home purely for her 2 children (before I’d even met them) to then be told that I in fact did that all for myself. And nearly 2 years later, she’s still never once brought them here to stay. Tho she’s angry if my father or a friend stays in that room, because “that’s my children’s room”.
When her 8 year old son wiped urine on my top rather than wash his hands & I told him he shouldn’t do that cos it’s naughty, I was later told that she simply did not believe me that it had happened. And that she would always believe WHATEVER her children said over me. And for keeping my composure & simply telling him not to do that, well, I was a raging monster & “parenting is not a boot camp”.
The night I finally, after 2 years, had to encounter her ex husband at her son’s birthday party after a lot of anguish on his part about me “the new boyfriend”, I simply asked that she support me a little by making sure I was a part of things with her, that we were a couple now. As soon as her ex arrived, a man she despises, she literally walked away from me, sat herself with him & his family & left me sat alone for the rest of the party, barely checking in on me at all. Later when I pointed this out, I’m selfish for trying to pull rank at her son’s birthday party.
The person she is was trusted to go on a wkend trip with her ex husband & their 2 children only a few months into our relationship, only to blank me during that trip & make no contact with me while she shared accommodation with him. Why? Cos I met up with my best friend & went for a few beers.
The list goes on & on & on & on & there’s probably worse moments that I can’t even recall right now.
So maybe, yeah, I’ve been defending her too much by using this illness as an excuse. And maybe she is happy with who she is. But I know that with all the accusations she has thrown at me, all the things I’ve been told I’ve said & done, all the ways I’ve supposedly made her feel worthless, etc, I know I’ve never done anything on a par with her long list of mistakes. All I’ve ever asked of her is basic common decency & she so rarely delivers. But overall I’m happy with who I am too. (Maybe not tonight! But in general!)
And possibly what I’ve got to come to terms with is that maybe I’ve just been very foolish & I believed in the wrong person? I don’t doubt there is an illness here, but maybe there’s also just a selfish, arrogant, abusive, controlling & bullying person in there too.
Or maybe I’m just ranting & she does in fact need help cos it’s effecting her in all sorts of ways like I’ve always believed? But either way she’s doing nothing about it & insists her morals & personality are solid & kind & she has apparently given me “everything”.
And the biggest question of all...what the hell is wrong with me that I am STILL in love & believe in someone who can treat me this way?
