This Is Not My Life. Not My Truth.

[Tinyflame]

Gizmo is correct Abstract, you are a beautiful person, it is a privilege to know you, you are valuable and irreplaceable.

We can't all be wrong. ;) :) :inlove: :hug:

 

[Queen Boudica]

I can relate to so much everyone has written here. The feeling that it can't be true, that I am just attention seeking and making it all up. But then, the horrific realisation that the nightmare is true. I was right all along, but I just tried to deny it because it is so crazy, how could it be true? It must be me, my mother was always accusing me of being evil and selfish so it must be me.

This is really my horrible life and so much of it has been wasted. Somehow I now have to crawl out of this minefield of PTSD symptoms and memories and nightmares and what my childhood turned me into. I just don't want to be me with all the feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and awkwardness and pathetic, uselessness so I never feel like I belong anywhere and I feel like I am this useless whiner. I want to be someone else. I want my life to be how it should have been.

Why am I having to wake up to all of this now, when I am at my weakest ever? Separated, 3 young children, no career, and at my lowest. Why couldn't this happen when I was younger and stronger and without children? At least then I might have stood a better chance of dealing with this without all the extra stress.

But this is my life now. And I feel like I am fighting a huge battle every day. And I still feel like I am making it all up and it can't be true because it would be so much easier if it were not true and it is just all so horrible but then I know it is true and I have to fight to get better for my kids but I have no idea if that is even possible. It just seems impossible. I'm hoping therapy will help, but it has been over a year and progress is slow. But there is no other choice but to carry on, even though I feel like such a piece of :poop: I have to try for my kids.

 

[Lady Vet]

If I could get myself back into therapy and have someone fight this stuff with me then I think it might help.

Abstact: The trouble with therpy is the therapist (by design) holds the power. They diagnose. They pathologize. They decide what is and what is not normal/appropriate. And when we don't agree with the therapist, they then hold the power to label our rebellion as denial, delusion, or dysfunction. There are some therapists who challenge their own power by creating collaborative relationships, but therapy by definition is a one sided trip of power with rules by which I refuse to play. I have been fortunate (so far) that I've never been in a mandated siutation, so that I always have the ability to "fire" my therapist. Sadly, this is not always possible.

I accept that I may change the way I see something in the future, and I will consider a perspective even if I don't agree with it, but in the final analysis, it is only my reality that I place my life into. I will never allow my reality to be defined by anyone else...ever. But that is just me. So, yes...I fight my therapist all of the time. But the alternative is not worth it for me.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Sailorgal,

I am so sorry you struggled alone for so long and that people could not hear what you were saying or what trouble you were in. That is very damaging and harmful in itself!

The thing for me is that I truly and totally believe I am fine and making this up. While I simultaneously have flashbacks etc. It would be hard to put into words how convinced I am.

Quote: "But you know what....you DO want attention. You want respect, trust, love, validation.." One part of me seems to. :rolleyes:

Quote: "I have to stop myself from over analyzing all the time and just tell myself, "Ok this is how I feel. But what matter is that I don't let this get in the way of my healing and moving forward."
What happens when I don't consciously check in and try to reason this through is that I totally self destruct. The "I am fine" gets louder and louder and louder. And thats when I start self destructing and doing things such as self injuring at the same time. It takes constant fighting and reasoning to stay away from this place. And the other problem is that how I feel is impossible to say a lot of the time as it seems one side of me thinks I am fine whilst the other side thinks I am distress and help.

"For the 3rd night in a row, I haven't cried and no real anxiety.":tup::woot: That is wonderful.

" I found comfort and validation. It takes the sting out of things, doesn't it?" Comfort and validation helps enormously and sharing on places like this very helpful. I am so glad you have found that too.

And hugs :hug: back to you!

 

[Abstract]

Junebug. Blush. :notworthy: I don't feel worthy of that but I am concentrating on trying to be graceful and accepting. Maybe you are looking in mirrors? ;) But thank you.

The feeling that it can't be true, that I am just attention seeking and making it all up. But then, the horrific realisation that the nightmare is true

Lizio, I am sorry that you find yourself here and at such a vulnerable time. And that you deal with the see saw. I spend most of my time on the "making it up" side of the see saw still. Or both sides simultaneously. :rolleyes: Thats if it isn't the full truth that is. very confusing. I wish you healing. Apparently treatment makes things worse before it gets better.

Abstact: The trouble with therpy is the therapist (by design) holds the power. They diagnose. They pathologize. They decide what is and what is not normal/appropriate.

I hear you Lady vet and can see why it is problematic for you. Although I have spent my whole life avoiding having labels or anyone knowing them I need the opposite at present.

I know just enough to know that I cannot do this myself. And that I cannot truly tell what is real or isn't. It is that complete. I do very much fear being misdiagnosed or being thought to be as crazy as I feel if I go to a psychiatrist with this but I can't do this alone. I need some help or support to fight whichever side of me is not facing reality.

Getting myself back into treatment is going to be another thing altogether but I am not under the illusion that I know better any more. I am however still the only person with direct access to my thoughts and both I and whoever I see has to respect that and give it great weight.


Thank you to everyone for your support.

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Abstract)))

I think there is a distinction between denial of "I AM fine" and "I'm gonna keep fighting." We can fo ourselves because we need to survive and want to avoid additional hurts, but also with dissociation, we really believe it. It's like what Forrest Gump said, "You never know whatcha gonna get." ;)

What is the most successful grounding technique when you have these torturous thoughts? I'm sorry they are sooo strong as it really prevents healing and breakthrough. But the good thing is that you are aware if it.

I really have enjoyed some of these discussions because it's giving me more of an aerial view if looking at this.

Dear Abstract, I hope you are able to find a solid Therapist soon who can help you in unleashing these ties that bind. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract I am crossing my fingers for you. I believe it is wise to get back into therapy and get some wise guidance and special support for you. I am sorry you are hurting and suffering so much.

Hopefully this therapist will be able to help you to reduce your symptoms. I am wishing you the very best. Keep us informed on your progress ok? Hugs and more.

 

[Tanishq]

Abstract, those who don't believe you will mind you and accuse you that you are making up things. I have been accused by some people,too and I removed them. It was disturbing for me. I am making lots of progress without them.

I hear you. I am sorry that I went away from your thread.

Here is a gentle hug for you. :hug:

 

[safenow]

I have become my own abuser.

Bless your heart. I believe for all of us who went through some tough stuff growing up there is a point, were we become our own abusers. But then, there comes a time when You must say "enough". Get way from that negative tape and reprogram it. Put some positive stuff on that tape you now play and move forward with confidence. "I can do this." "I am not a liar, and I will not be around anyone who says I am." "I can set boundaries and keep them. It's okay to do that for myself."

I just heard yesterday that some countries think that "bless your heart" means they think you are retarded. If you live in that country, that is not how I mean it. I mean it that I want you to live long and happy.

I believe in you. (((( Abstract ))))

 

[quaintpapercut]

I do very much fear being misdiagnosed or being thought to be as crazy as I feel if I go to a psychiatrist with this but I can't do this alone.

Your not crazy! I feel the same way when my symptoms get very bad. I frequently tell my therapist that I either fear that I am going crazy or am crazy. He assures me I'm not. We're having very normal reactions to traumatic experiences.

Its a lot to deal with on your own. I hope you find someone soon :hug:.

 

[Sailorgal]

Wow Safenow, I'm surprised I haven't even heard of that before. It's good to keep cultural differences in mind.

 

[Britt.f7]

But maybe they will tell me I am lying and have factitious disorder.

There was a time when MS was thought of a disease of hysteria by women. Just because people don't have all the answers doesn't mean there aren't any. This is what research is for and I believe, so far, it is proving to be a true condition(PTSD).

Think of this, self injury wasn't even a topic when I was doing it as a child. When I was a teen, it was considered rare and not all the therapists understood it. Now, it is out there. People know it exists. There are a ton of people who came forward.

When I moved back to this state with my husband, one of the first things my father and stepmother gave me was a book about people who make up sexual abuse and the therapists who promote it. I wasn't even focusing on it at that time, so I am not sure what possessed them. I do know I didn't read the book. I didn't say anything either, but I'm sure my face did.

I was made to think I was the one who had the problem, that I was crazy. It was my grandpa, the support of friends, and therapists that helped me realize otherwise.

I have become my own abuser

I understand this all too well. The messages are there no matter how hard I try to quiet them. They are even louder when I am around the people who use to say them. They don't say the things they once did, but they don't have to. I still hear them loud and clear.

I always say that my physical illness does not define me. I believe my mental health does not define me either, nor does the PTSD. They play a part in my chemical makeup but they are not all that I am. I refuse to let that happen. I have people in my life who feel the need to define me by one or the other or both. Could be why I hate labels. I am so much more then my illnesses. Do I always feel that way? No, but I do remind myself of that, especially if people tell me otherwise.

I'm sorry this is a long post. Just a matter of thought, people do not have to believe you. What matters is what you feel and believe for yourself. They don't have to understand you either. What they do have to do is respect you.