I have been on a 6 month "break" and he is an amazing man. He has done things to push me away - things that trigger my anxious attachment. They are not on purpose but they hurt. I doubt even he is aware of what he's doing. I love the man but loathe the illness.
In my experience...do not talk about your feelings with him. Talk to your friends, on here, a therapist but if they are already overwhelmed all you are doing is adding pressure to an already over-stressed person. To be honest you will feel good for having that conversation at the time, but if he's not ready to talk, he will push you away further.and you will analyze what you've said that's done it.
Keeping things light with no expectations, living today not in the future, is very hard. Setting your own boundaries is hard because we want to be there - we may know we can't help the person, but we may want to control the relationship, know where we stand, etc. Keep tabs on them, hypervigilent, because they are not talking so we're looking for answers. Most hate this, feel smothered and will keep pushing - it's not worth the small glimpse of goodness we receive.
I am my sufferers trigger/love is a trigger/control is his trigger. I did not control him but I now realize I tried to control the relationship just by wanting to know where I stand and crossing his boundaries of not talking. If I really supported him I would realize he's in trauma - he has physical freeze-mode symptoms that I can see - and I would have just let go, let him do and get what he needs. I wanted to be the safe for him but bc I needed to talk I became a fear, something to avoid, something to make him feel bad regardless of what I said. Think about that one friend that you adore but you don't talk to about this stuff bc you think they are harsh and don't understand. So you avoid the subject with them...but you still have fun with them in other ways.
I wish I could go back in time but the truth is I was selfish for my demands - as small as they were and now he has defriended me on FB, when a week before he was angry I ignored him after he asked for space, and we are now strangers. I wanted him, I love him deeply, he is the most amazing man I've ever met, but the illness won, he was not willing or able to take a risk and I am not willing to now put my life on hold if he is not putting anything in. He is not working towards anything with me. My needs were simple - tell me/show me you care in a healthy way. It hurts but until he gets help he will not let me in. Asking him to do so was not going to change the way he feels and now makes me feel like I was a love-sick fool. Logically I'm not but my self-esteem has taken a beating because of me.
