This is the kind of day…

That was really, reeeeally hard.

Which is an improvement! As I’m not only capable of thinking a sentence through from start to finish, but? Able to fawking whinge about it. Rather than just trying to get through, minute by minute, second by second. I’ll take any kind of damn improvement at this point. Temporary, or otherwise.

Troops ain’t bitching? Something’s wrong.
Ashamed of reacting to being hurt, just causes hurt or trouble or annoyance. Too bad I was so tired and stressed and blind sided. Should have just walked away, even if I assessed correctly. So what does it matter if I had hurt feelings, get over it or recalibrate.
The kind of day I'm embarrassed because I am on the verge of begging for help from people.
And I know it's not on them, I know I need to seek professional resources health wise, need to do work and get paid for the rest, need to put the effort to reach my goals. Even if my current goals have went down from actual ones to the one of being a functioning human being in each part of my life.
I know my friends have supported me as much as they can and it's not on them. I know I've gotten as much help as one is lucky to get and need to find my own way forward.

Except I'm so TIRED, so tired that I want to scream for having to repeat this process-- the one of getting mental health help, getting stable first in basic areas, then slowly extend into more complex goals and parts of my life.... and then something crashing straight through it like a truck (or like a pandemic/inflation/deaths/mass shootings combo).
So I'm ashamed because I would beg if there was whom.