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This is the kind of day…

That was really, reeeeally hard.

Which is an improvement! As I’m not only capable of thinking a sentence through from start to finish, but? Able to fawking whinge about it. Rather than just trying to get through, minute by minute, second by second. I’ll take any kind of damn improvement at this point. Temporary, or otherwise.

Troops ain’t bitching? Something’s wrong.
Ashamed of reacting to being hurt, just causes hurt or trouble or annoyance. Too bad I was so tired and stressed and blind sided. Should have just walked away, even if I assessed correctly. So what does it matter if I had hurt feelings, get over it or recalibrate.
The kind of day I'm embarrassed because I am on the verge of begging for help from people.
And I know it's not on them, I know I need to seek professional resources health wise, need to do work and get paid for the rest, need to put the effort to reach my goals. Even if my current goals have went down from actual ones to the one of being a functioning human being in each part of my life.
I know my friends have supported me as much as they can and it's not on them. I know I've gotten as much help as one is lucky to get and need to find my own way forward.

Except I'm so TIRED, so tired that I want to scream for having to repeat this process-- the one of getting mental health help, getting stable first in basic areas, then slowly extend into more complex goals and parts of my life.... and then something crashing straight through it like a truck (or like a pandemic/inflation/deaths/mass shootings combo).
So I'm ashamed because I would beg if there was whom.
That confuses me. I haven't played my sax again. I'm scared because I've anxiety for not playing and don't want to annoy the neighbours which all is just stupid bullshit. I managed to get an hour in the garden sun. Read a quote somewhere saying that I'm actually grieving of my past life making it difficult to embrace the new me. Makes sense if that "is"actually what is going on.

Also I have a blood blister in my mouth. And I'm scared of being an asshole because I know exactly what I have to do and what I want to do, I could go he'll for leather but don't want to be an asshole. I'm just confused 😕 going out hopefully soon.
The sun came out to play, and the world was lush and green.

And the cats had discussions over who got to sit with dad today. It was good, They shared.....
got frustrated cause I am still weak from covid recovery and outdoor work is not on the menu. So, I pulled out an old guitar and started in doing the chore of dressing the frets and setting it all back up again. After I had spent most of the day working on it I plugged it in and.....yeah, that's what I remember! I even ordered some new pickups for it, the originals are good and all but new ones will pull more from it and give it a wider range of tones. Playing a guitar is one thing but resurrecting an old friend is another. Can't wait to get the new electronics on board.
Sure beats sitting and feeling screwed by the virus and the slow recovery. And I kept the intrusive thoughts at bay most of the day, hoo ray!