This maybe the scariest thing I've talked about and it's a rough night

[SeekingAfrica]

I've occasionally had dark thoughts in the last months. For a while I was doing a little better. But yesterday I got triggered, did almost nothing all day and then admitted the reason to someone. Even thought I got the kindest reaction possible, and woke up after lots of rest it set me off.

My trusted people are at work and I don't want- or not what I would say- interrupt.
It was like I was okay and then it hit me like a hurricane. And what is the point of crisis lines if they are all busy too?

How do I stop myself from rash decisions that I would regret (like buying things I shouldn't to bide my time) while being emotional, or from self-harm? Following is the reason,
It's not even... I talked to someone about my history with being molested b/n ages 6 and 10. And now I seem to have snapped. It was supposed to be releasing, saying all of that. But it's like releasing the gates of hell, I don't even know what is happening to me, if I want to hurt, indulge or change something, everything. I'm just emotional and the more emotional I am the harder talking will be. I just need to not remember my name right now, to be that out of my body.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @SeekingAfrica

I'm sorry you're going through this right now and that the crisis lines aren't a help.

Can you try leaning on the various AI tools on the forum? I've found the almost-instant responses to be very helpful when I'm spiralling/ in crisis/ dysregulated.

And it's the reason why Anthony put them here on the forum - because responses from crisis lines and/ or therapists can be so slow or even inadequate.

Keep writing here too, obviously... But I hope the AI can help provide some "immediate relief" too.

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:
@SeekingAfrica - friendly reminder that we don’t use trigger warnings here. Check out the Community Constitution for more.

 

[Movingforward10]

I totally get the need to not know your name and be out of your body, been there too.
what usually helps to ground you?
maybe trying to be or connect to your body is too much right now, but is there something in your home that can help to orientate you to the here and now?
does talking out loud to yourself help? It helped me. Hearing my adult voice. Reminding me that I’m an adult and it’s not back then, even though these feelings seem like it is.
do you have something tactile to touch? Abbé a pet? Or whatever helps. I have a little stone sometimes.
remembering this will pass.

are there other crisis lines to try? It’s really hard when it’s impossible to get through.

 

[arfie]

dunno if it applies to your case, but letting it be okay that some things are just plain hard helps me tremendously. channeling my compulsion to make rash decisions while under duress is one of those things that are just plain hard. if nothing else, it dropping the search for a quick and complete cure gave me considerable energy available for channeling into symptom management.

gentle support while you find what works for you.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Can you try leaning on the various AI tools on the forum?

I tried actually and it lead me at the same time as posting. The AI resource I can't be helpful enough for honestly, but I have deeply used it so far for more practical issues of functioning while going through some things. I guess I am still trying to allow myself to saw stuff completely to the AI if it makes sense, when it's not practical problems but rather immediate and urgent trigger.
I got a good advice for what I wrote but to get the right advice I should have written more. I know it's AI but I'm still somehow making ground with it in a weird way. Did any of this make sense? Otherwise now that I'm slightly more coherent, good advice, I will try.

friendly reminder that we don’t use trigger warnings here.

Sorry. When I get triggered for some reason I keep thinking that I can't say the reason.
Will try to remember, thank you being nice about it although I'm fairly certain I've done it before.

what usually helps to ground you?

Well everything got dysregulated for a long time and what usually grounds me wasn't working for so long that I no longer know.
To be quite honest. Need to do some exploring which I definitely will.

I ended up chatting in the crisis chat for my particular issue and trying to formulate the problem for the person on the other end did help me see what it started from, why it started. And I also got some recommendation for helpful books and coping skills so it was quite productive, I have to say.

if nothing else, it dropping the search for a quick and complete cure gave me considerable energy available for channeling into symptom management.

True, I think the years when I thought I'd get rid of PTSD by the sheer power of my stubbornness were some of the hardest. Dealing with symptoms is definitely much more realistic as is acceptance.

I have dealt with a lot of acceptance when it comes to what happened to me as an adult and which turned my childhood trauma that I was avoiding into definite PTSD along with the current trauma. But the adult one I have dealt with so while it's horrific I have a lot more acceptance for it and for who I am with it.
But being molested I had shut off and I didn't even dare utter it for many years. All the way up until 5 years ago. Since then I've worked on parts of it, I've shares with close number of people when I have felt I wanted to. But until few years ago I could barely write about it on here. So I'm still very much not at peace with it and it's still like trying to navigate a storm and consolidate the child that I was to whom that happened with the adult that I am. It's like a severed connection I'm still fighting to keep severed while trying to heal which obviously doesn't work.
This will be a process.
I'm very grateful for the comments.

I feel better now, but I am still super scared of dealing with anything connected to it. And while other things have faded this is still super bright in my mind. And hard to accept that it happened to me., There was time when I would have rather accepted calling myself crazy... I'm working on that, the acceptance part. Especially that I haven't had such violent trigger reactions since the first year I dealt with PTSD at all. One forgets how rough it can be.

 

[arfie]

I feel better now, but I am still super scared of dealing with anything connected to it.

after decades of radical acceptance, this fear still lingers for me, especially when dealing with the blissfully ignorant. the good news is that i've gotten much more efficient in recognizing and remediating it. enough so that the blissfully ignorant are seldom aware anything has occurred. ah. . . how i envy their ignorance. . .

as a bonus, radical acceptance enhances my business performance tremendously. i'm still pretty much a loner, but radical acceptance helps me in the social arena, as well. we is what we is and we ain't what we ain't. my job's not to understand you. my job is to love you until you understand yourself.

 

[Liljulz67]

It takes Courage to face what we encounter in our bodies and brain when it comes to being molested.i was 6 when this awful sexual abuse thing changed me,i sensed a different being right away,i no longer felt a part of especially in school.it has taken me to Hell and back many times. I sometimes wish to be in a Cave to be away from everyone so they may not catch a glimpse of what I feel.i have incorporated Somatics ,Yoga and body awareness that needs constant work for me to function properly. It is so Damn hard.been through so much and it Hurts alot at times.everyday I try to read anything that I can relate to as far as my state of mind.I am so sorry you had to go through this at such a young age.the things that have changed for me are I no longer shop,overeat or be around people so I feel safer alone.i encourage you to get a good Trauma book.these really helped me to understand the monster I am dealing with.only Best wishes to you.be good to you.you deserve good.we are here for you.

 

[Friday]

Talking about tragedy? HELPS.
Talking about trauma? Makes. Everything. Worse.

The problem, IMO, is the intersect.

Because talking is synergistic/helpful/relief… when it’s NOT cap T Trauma.
Or? In the exceptionally rare right person, right moment, paradigm.

This is why my fave trauma therapist volunteers several months a year (at his own expense) to work with victims of tragedy/disaster. BEFORE it can “settle” into PTSD & other disorders. That he specialises in. Get to people in the early days? Where talking helps, full stop? Avoid life long issues.

But?

Once one HAS lifelong issues, be they PTSD, or otherwise? Talking HURTS. And makes everything worse. <<< That’s not wrong. That’s “normal”. Once things have progressed past tragedy, and into “Trauma”.

 

[Charbella]

If it helps, I totally understand. Telling someone, anyone, the tiniest extra detail seems to create an avalanche in my head of self loathing. T is generally a smaller avalanche and it wears off quicker but anyone else and I’m shoveling out of it for weeks. I have come to the realization that I just shouldn’t. I’ve also come to the realization that fighting the avalanche only makes it worse. So my only advice is know that it will pass and in the mean time don’t beat yourself up about it, you did it, it’s over, and you can’t take it back. Do things to calm yourself while your mind tries to reorganize.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

If it helps, I totally understand. Telling someone, anyone, the tiniest extra detail seems to create an avalanche in my head of self loathing. T is generally a smaller avalanche and it wears off quicker but anyone else and I’m shoveling out of it for weeks.

For whatever reason talking and writing is how I process things out(even with other issues), whether it's with friends or professionals.
I don't know why. It's the same with having planners and journals. It's like I keep way too much information in my head and I can't let it go until it's on paper. Journaling helps process simpler issues for the reason of having to put something in words is half-way to resolving it-for me. When it comes to trauma, I have found in time that it matters with whom you talk, how you talk and what response you receive that will show in time as productive or not. When I wrote this thread- I think this conversation was one of the hardest because of the subject but because times has shown the recipient to be worthy of holding that information- it felt like letting poison out of my body to get healthier. Because a lot of the nature of my trauma was always based on secrets, saying it feels like regaining my power.
This time? It felt like a storm I barely survived- but ever since then I've been improving in many ways, my mental health has been improving. It has a long way to go but it's a start.