General Time To Give Up On A Mother With Ptsd??

[catlover7731]

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, like many.

My father and mother met each other in a mental hospital where they both had children institutionalized and my father was visiting his first wife, who was also a resident. My mother eventually got pregnant with me and 2 years later my parents were married. I was not given my father's last name and he was a part time father, had a bad gambling addiction and never supported any of his kids.

My mother was the victim of monster parents. She witnessed her father raping her sister's( her mother opened the door and showed the rest of the children), her father was physically and mentally abusive and her mother wasn't much better. She had her first child at age 14( she was a victim of rape) and that child was taken away from her by her parents and I never met him.

My mother has been in and out of therapy since she was a young woman and growing up with her was very hard to say the least. At 9 I tried to swallow a bottle of tylenol, at 14 I went to school daily with headaches and crying. She was very critical, and frequently compared me to my father and other people saying why couldn't I be like them. At 21 I found a way out and left the house. For 3 years I had a few chats with my mother, but was happy to be out.

I had to go back and live with her for a few months when my son was 2 and as soon as I could I left, because she was all ready comparing my son to my brother's daughter who according to her behaved better and was blue eyed and blonde ( My children are part Latino). I stopped all communication with her until 5 months ago and regret it ever since.

At first when I contacted her she was extremely happy to hear from me saying she loved me and told me my half sister( father's daughter) wanted to contact me. Well my sister and I hit it off great and we talk almost every day. My mother and I remained in a tense relationship, and she became angry and jealous of the relationship I had with my sister blaming her for my mother and I not having a good relationship and even saying she wished she could kill her. I decided to write to my mother since I couldn't get through to her via the phone. Saying that my sister is not responsible for the distance in our relationship and I can't take the jealousy or hate and told my mother that I am not closing the door to our relationship, but she needs to work on things.

Well since that letter we have talked twice and each time it has gotten worse. She blamed me for wanting attention when I was 4-5 years old from her, and she was mentally ill , but a child does not understand that. She even said that she knew I was going to be a handful because when she was pregnant with me I was always moving around.

She always rehashes the past and can't get over it. My father is dead and this is my only parent, but I think I am ready to give up . She makes me cry and feel horrible. She sees things in a twisted light and does not listen to a word I say.

I married a latino man and she had the nerve to ask my son what color was his skin, which made him feel bad, and this is one of the reasons I have kept my kids away from her.

Is it time to give up? Any advice?

Tia for the help.

<Paragraph breaks inserted for readability, by Amethist>

 

[Sandra]

Sometimes it is best to remove people out of one's life. I removed my brother years ago and have very little contact with my sister. My whole family were also very dysfunctional as well. I know my brother and myself will never talk or see each other ever again. But I left the ball in his court and he has decided to ignore his problems and still hide from the abuse he gave me. Total denial behaviour. Sad for his sake. And it sounds like your mother is the same way. Sadly in total denial as well. Again sad for her sake. But unfortunately we can't change a person that doesn't want to change themselves.

Only I was the one who was abused and bullied in my family. So I had 2 siblings and both of my parents all coming at me all at the same time. Both of my parents are gone now so it's just my sister's abuse I have to deal with at this time.

 

[Sterre]

What do you want to do?

What are the benefits of remaining in touch with her?

Is it because she is your mother, is it because you feel guilty if you leave her?

You've got a family of youre own now, you have got a life of youre own now, is there enough emotional space to deal with the abuse your mother is still putting you through?
If you have enough emotional space and skills to deal with the lash out of your mother while remaining in contact with her, I would say, go for it. But I doubt, while reading your story that something good is going to come out of it, at this point in time.

My situation with my mother is in some ways similair to yours. I am a mother to, and I dont want my child under the influence of my mother, and I want to stay stable and emotionaly healty for my child, so I keep the contact with my mother very shallow and brief.
She visits me once in two months, we talk about her problems, I dont tell her anything substancial about myself. She cuddles my daughter briefly and then goes away. Very short visits and when she is out to seek an argument or wants to discuss a touchy subject, I tell her that I have no time and have an appointment in a couple of minutes ( or some other excuse) and make sure she leaves. I never visit her, and I never let her be alone with my daughter. Till now it is working pretty good.
Maybe the contact will explode again like it did before, thats okay with me. I dont want her shit anymore. She can be the strange grandmother to my child for 30 minutes every two months, as long as she does not create problems or try's to divide me and my child, or makes me feel bad.

Good luck with your dillema.