Sufferer Tired, I Can't Keep Living This Way

[Megflower]

Hi
I was diagnosed with PTSD when I ran away from home at 16. This was due to years of sexual, emotional and religious abuse. The sexual abuse was perpertrated by my stepfather and my mother has a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which made things interesting.
I began healing at the time but then a couple of incidents occurred that meant I built some amazing walls and I kind of switched bits of me off. I have dealt by utilising self harm techniques, isolating myself, OCD, eating disorders and convincing myself the past isn't real.
But then about 18 months ago I had to see my stepfather again. My walls cracked and now I can't hold back the tide. The truths I don't want to face are forcing their way to the surface and I really don't know if I want to deal, I am trying but just so tired. I can't bring myself to trust anyone enough so there is no one to stop me spiralling away.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. Many of us here suffer from similar experiences. Usually it takes some experience like yours for our pasts to catch up with us. That is why it is important to be seeing a therapist and to see one that is versed in the handling of trauma specifically. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, is there a way for you to be able to see one?

On this Forum there is a lot of support from others, but personally, I have also benefited a lot from having therapy and from the medicines that my psychiatrist prescribes. I used to see a therapist one or twice a week when I first started therapy. Now I only need to see one once per month. I see my psychiatrist when I need to get prescription refills mostly. He's also good to some degree on seeing me if I am in crisis and in need of a meds readjustment. I can go as long as 6 months without seeing him, but he will see me if an emergency arises before that time is up.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Sorry to hear about your traumas x welcome to the forum , I'm sure you will recieve lots of support here x good luck on your journey to recovery x

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

Sometimes not having anyone to stop you from spiraling away... Can also mean no one to hold you back from seriously kicking ass and taking names.

 

[Megflower]

I struggle with therapy, I just can't seem to trust them, it just seems so frightening. Often they try and get me to relax/meditate but I end up panicking and totally freaking out it always triggers me, no idea why. I really want to make it work this time. I always quit a few sessions in, I only ever tell them half truths and I only ever turn to therapy when my disordered eating is bothering me so they focus on that rather than going deeper I have a feeling they are trying not to scare me off .
I just can't keep going like I am, my coping skills are atrocious and one day will make me sick or I will go back to cutting which I am trying so hard not to do.
Can I write down stuff for a therapist or do I have to talk out loud??? Is that too weird?? I am more honest in the written form.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Welcome to the forum @Megflower, you will find a lot of support here. I have disordered eating too. I think some therapists are okay with reading, you could ask them *hugs*

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I tend to blurt everything out in different orders and timescales , I confuse myself at times! I m tired of therapy treatments , I'm tired of everything to be honest. My last flashbacks left me unconscious I triggered so badly , followed by memory loss. It really frightened me. My therapists wants me to have four consecutive days of EMDR and brain spotting , not sure if I'm ready for it! Hugs all round if accepted x

 

[intothelight]

@Megflower Welcome to the forum!

PTSD symptoms vary from person to person and what might help one individual manage doesn't work so well for another. Meditation is not something I find relaxing as there is just too much adrenaline running through my body. However, I found yoga helpful as the movement is some that I need. Try different things and it may take a while to find what combination is best for you.

The approach that works best in therapy is also individual. If writing is helpful, than discuss that with your therapist. Recovery isn't a cookie cutter process and a therapist will work with you, but you do have to tell them what direction you would like to go.

I hope you find this site helpful to your healing also.