Tired Of Having My Guard Up. I Cannot Be Loved.

[RussH]

The Apostle Paul writes a beautiful chapter on love, 1 Cor 13. He writes in it "love is not selfish and does not seek its own." Love is a gift we offer others without the expectation of having it returned. We love because we are able, and not because we have to. Again love is a gift that you give to others, and if they return it great, if not, that is ok too.

 

[ill]

For me, the second guessing and always being on guard was/is a way to try to control the situation. I thought being in control would help me avoid future hurts and pains, but when I was always on guard, I was always stressed which puts me less in control and more in reactionary mode. I was also more likely to trust the things I was most familiar with - which meant that I repeatedly exposed myself to people who behaved abusively/disrespectfully, which confirmed that I needed to be always on guard. I distrusted people who weren't dysfunctional and lacking in trauma because I had absolutely no reference points for that kind of behaviour and I distrust(ed) that most of all.

What's made a big difference for me is learning to trust and respect myself, which, frankly, wasn't/isn't at all easy for me. I had to learn to trust my instincts, to trust my boundaries, to defend and enforce them, to endeavour to meet my own needs, to be willing to cut people off when their love hurt, to believe in my ability to handle whatever comes because I've already handled more than I thought I could, to be okay with imperfections and inconsistencies if/when they don't cause damage, to not try to control everything. I guess for me this is even more important than trusting other people but at the same time it's part of it - I trust people not to hurt me (to a certain extent), but I trust that if they do, I'll walk or run or kill if I need to. When I was a kid, I didn't have those options. I had no power and for a long time afterward, I still felt powerless. Knowing that I get to choose who gets to be in my life and on what terms makes me feel empowered.

I have similar negative associations around love but now I think of love as just a feeling, that's all. It doesn't matter that someone loves me or that I love someone, what matters is how they love me - that they respect me and my boundaries, that they behave in a way that feels like love to me. And it's okay not to love someone, or not to be comfortable with love but to just really, really like someone.

 

[Bluerose]

PerfectlyFlawed,

I hear you. I wonder if you're up for a little experiment?

If so, try to pick just one person out of all the people you know and make up your mind to be a particularly good friend to that person. Give it some time and see what happens.

No worries if you don't feel like doing it now.
Just keep it in mind for when you are feeling stronger.
I think you may be surprised.

The truth is, whatever we are looking for emotionally or physically from others, it helps to be willing to give it first.

Giving makes us respective to receiving, and it helps to pull down those brick walls we spent so long building up so nothing bad could get in and hurt us. Only trouble with those brick walls is that nothing good can get in either.

I have many little one-liners in my recovery toolbox, and one of them is 'give first takes later'. It works. I promise.

Taking the first step or making the first move is terrifying for so many of us but it is a huge, huge step towards feelings of normality.

You may not realise it but you took that step when you decided to post and share on this forum.

It may now be time to take another step towards getting what you want from the people around you.

Hope you feel stronger soon.

 

[RussH]

If so, try to pick just one person out of all the people you know and make up your mind to be a particularly good friend to that person. Give it some time and see what happens.

Bluerose, this is a really, really good idea! You most assurdly get a gold star for this one.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Oh that is a tough experiment! I can do it with females no prob, but I have been hurt by men in everyway possible since the beginning.

 

[Bluerose]

If we want to heal, we need to be willing to do stuff that may make us feel uncomfortable. It’s easy to like the people we like. The real challenge is liking a type we don’t like. And challenging ourselves helps with the healing. It doesn’t have to be a twenty-four seven challenge. Baby steps are okay.