Tired Of People Telling Me That Ptsd Isn't An Excuse..

[The Albatross]

My filter is, were they aware? Did they consciously do this? What were the competing factors that may have lead to their actons?.... I travel down an alternate path a long, long ways... because I am willing, to be able to participate in and to have relationships with others... more than I may personally be comfortable. It is a conscious choice. I'm good with it.

 

[Faye_Valentine]

Well, I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

That's a lot of posts. I don't know what to say to them all other than, again, I believe our reality is based upon our perceptions and how you view things is clearly different than how I view things.

I'm sorry you don't have people to depend on, and I'm sorry that it seems so many depend on you. If you, though, have the ability to see the consequences of their actions so well and you believe that you are solely responsible for their actions towards you, then how can you have an unbiased opinion of the situation? How come you DON'T have more people to depend on?

I'm not trying to argue here, though so feel to not answer that if you don't want to. I'm just saying that we are talking about the same thing form different perspectives, and though we may agree on some points I think we both would have to be more clear on others. Probably not the place or time for that, here though..

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. "shoulds" make me cringe, but I hear you.

 

[The Albatross]

What? Not much of a debate.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't expect my own experience to validate yours. You threw down "debate". Doubtless you will get other experiences and observations from others. I'm just telling you what my experience is. No matter what I say, it's your own perception that is paramount. All I can do is pony up and tell you what happened to me... what my own experinece is.

Great topic. I'm not aware of a disagreement except that I didn't validate what you needed, sorry for that. K?

 

[The Albatross]

I don't even tell myself PTSD is an excuse. I tell myself it is a challenge for personal growth and change. I use it to be more than the sum of my parts. I use it to defeat the way I was hardwired and grow and change.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't have more people to "depend on" because I have a disordinate expectation for others. I expect more from them than I do myself. I have a prescribed list of necessary things I need to provide for in order to be able to participate in the liives of others. If I do them, I can "rise" to the occasion. If I don't, I become a burden, a "Debbie downer" and am at risk fo exactly what I choose not to manifest, retaliation. Even people who love me will only carry me so far. I have to kick in, I have to participate, I have to aspire to more and take the actions necessary for change.

 

[The Albatross]

No need to be "sorry", it is what it is. I do better with realities than B.S. There is a spectrum of experience, and I fall at any given point somewhere in the forum curve. That's okay by me, and you can feel fortunate, eh?

 

[caliaviator]

We can not change others. People can only change themselves, if they truly, truly want to.

True. People will change whenever they see the need for it. A crisis is usually a good way of bringing on change. Though whether that is the right type of change or the wrong type of change depends on the person

On another note, dependence on other can indeed be a bad thing, but at the same time I strongly believe that you should have at least 1 or 2 people whom you can really depend on. For instance, I know that there are people here who I can depend on for insightful and credulous responses. I know that I can depend on my boyfriend to be there for me, when I have no one else.

Dependence can also be a good thing, but only when you cannot depend on yourself because of a crisis. I had 2 friends help me out through my darkest moments, my girlfriend at the time was not one of them. She was dependent on me when I was beyond wounded. It was like having someone in a body cast fending off the world for you. Sure I make a good doorstop, but beyond that I was in no condition to help her. I broke it off with her because while I was with her I couldn't regain my emotional independence; which I believe everyone needs to have this in order to form lasting relationships. With her I could not heal, and that is where dependence became a bad thing; which supports your logic. Too much dependence is destructive on both sides.

While our expectations of people are in fact NOT their responsibility, if you try to remain truly unbiased in a new relationship with someone and try to study who they actually are, I think you'll find that oftentimes people do "put up a front" and try to pretend to be much kinder person or a much more of a person they think you'd want them to be.

That's why I try to stay true to myself and be up front about who I am, and try to be open to who other people are. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm not by any means. I just try to not have any expectations when meeting a new person, if I can help it.

Typically what I do is I try to be courteous and make conversation, and I build up my expectations the more information I receive. Every time we talk to someone we're essentially making a dossier of ourselves for that person, and the same happens when people talk to us. Over time we do become responsible for what we put into that dossier, and the other party builds expectations based on what they know about you. My expectations do become someone else's responsibility when I trust them with something. Because my expectations are built by reputation, information sent by the person I talk to, and so on. It's like when I ask you to build a bridge for me and you agreed because the information sent by you mentioned you were an engineer, but instead you're an artist.

I am responsible for your expectation of me based on the information I give you.

 

[mamachick]

I know ptsd challenges me in many ways-my perceptions, self approval above other approval, trusting my own gut feelings, etc. I think we must hear what others say but also know when we know we cant do better, know when we are at our limit, know whats best for us. It is a self challenge. Through that we can become stronger...

 

[BloomInWinter]

This truly is an ongoing journey, for those of us raised in unhealthy households.

It truly doesn't matter why someone in our lives is rude, crass, invalidating, or un-supportive, really...the effect is the same no matter what the intent.

...and it's the behavior that we either can try to make them change, make ourselves put up with it, or search for people who don't treat us that way.

Easier said than done, but my search to both be a better, kinder friend and to only receive into my heart kind, supporting, validating people has done wonders for helping me navigate the already far too tough daily trek that is living with this disease.

May we all find peace. May we all find safe people who are healthy enough to treat us with compassion, even when they lack understanding.

May we find the strength to turn away those who cannot...and do it not with infliction of pain on the person, but with the full knowledge and freedom from guilt that we are doing as we are meant to do...love and value ourselves deeply and respectfully.

All of us.

((((((Faye_Valentine))))))))

 

[Deleted member 487]

I know that people aren't going to get it unless they've gone through it, and I've even explained that to some people here, but it's hard to deal with when people ask YOU why you don't have friends or why you have a hard time keeping a job.

That's right- they may understand, but they still don't "get it". Even doctors, with all their high falooting educatin', until they have been there themselves they just don't get it.

What can I tell them, except the truth?

Nothing. Tell them nothing. You owe them no explanation whatsoever. Unless they are willing to pay for all of your counseling and therapy. And I know of no one that would do that.

It's not something I can really answer, but generally speaking I've come to find out that people don't like me because they, in fact, don't understand me. And people tend to fear or avoid what they don't understand. So people avoid me like the plague or just write me off as "crazy" or "special" and never talk to me again.

You don't have to answer anything to anybody. It's your life, not theirs. I know where you are though, I once thought that myself. I had faith in others that if they knew, perhaps they would understand. Bad news is, it doesn't matter to them. You have your life and they have theirs. They don't care, they're just nosy as hell. And that's the difference between you and them- you have a life (if you let yourself live it), and they don't.

I'm just so tired of being so lonely and having very few friends..

I used to hate the loneliness, but I have found that I now find it more comforting than being around people. It's no longer loneliness, really, but solitude. When I'm out hiking, I don't have to explain a thing to the trees and rocks. But when I'm around people, I usually am asked to.

I'm tired of the struggle to maintain some sense of normalcy.

What is normal? Other than it should be illegal....?

It just makes me sad to know that so many people are so full of anger, hate, and distrust and don't give people a chance to get to know them. I wonder where the world is going if everyone just doesn't talk to anyone else, and they just use each other to get what they want.

Don't be saddened by it. And don't concern yourself with the care of others.You have your life to live for YOU. So live it for you. Don't worry about anyone else.

@ Cactus Jack, I'm from the US and I don't really know what you're getting at. Maybe I'm not reading something right? I have a hard time understand things a lot. I'm sorry.

You lost me....?