Today Is Not Going Well.

[Jyar]

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Something set me off. It triggered the darkness to come forward and present itself. I've been on a rampage all morning.

Here's an example of this mornings rampage this is one of three so far.

That's all you took away from this Holly? I thought you were moving back to Virginia Beach? Things have changed a lot in the last 8 weeks. Really things have changed a lot this year. For a long time I dreaded the fact that I was the Walk-Away Joe. It was all I knew it put my life into perspective. Then it angered me, it fueled a hatred so deep and so dark. Then I let go. Not of the hate or the darkness but of the memories. I was fine, cold and distant some days but I was good.

Then you dredged it up calling me to do my sycophantic, religious zealot mothers' bidding once again.

Remember? I do. I was sitting at the laundry shop off magnolia and mast in my truck. You called to tell me my mom was to self absorbed to call and tell her first born that she was going to divorce her husband, my father. And it wasn't the divorce that angered me, frankly as I've told them both it wasn't a shocker. It was the fact that she told you first and whether she asked you to or not she knew what she was doing by telling you.

Then your comments about my wife and I being intimate during pregnancy. To be so feministic in saying "What just because she is fat!" And with such abhorrent judgement tone.

Then your comments about whether I take care of Aniyah and other such offensive comments, like presuming that I am a womanizer. It has been things like this as to why I don't both anymore. If anything you've got it backwards. I'd break my own back to ensure Becca and Aniyah are safe, well taken care of, and happy.

I wish that your family and you are well. I only hope for the best for you and yours. As for myself I'll be staring through my rearview. As I leave my past behind me.

I tried to end on pleasant note. If you can read between the lines I've had enough of this person. I began to bare my darkness to everyone and alls that she could say was I thought you were moving.

The darkness is cold today, colder than usual but ever so comforting.

 

[cdg]

Is there a right side of the bed? Have a good one. Hope your day turns around.

 

[franciemarnie]

It is comfortable in the dark sometimes.

Sometimes it takes too much energy trying to stay in the light. Then maybe darker feelings are calling me to be felt. And if I feel them, though it feels like they'll stay forever, they begin to go away.

But it can be a good thing to feel what you feel. It is dark where I bury stuff.

I hope you feel better as soon as you are able!

 

[Jyar]

The darkness is frigidly comfortable. Like winters last cold embrace before the weather warms. Or falls first unseasonably cool day wear it feels like a warm blanket wrapped around you. Only that warm feeling is the cold chill of darknesses void. It is that first breath of winter air when you can taste the crispness of the cold and long for its cooling embrace once again.

I loathe the way I feel, the darkness is the truest definition of bittersweet. It is the frozen example of darkness (taps) played on the sweetest sound of bagpipes.

 

[franciemarnie]

Wow. You are a writer man!

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry. I immediately responded to your description versus how you are feeling.

Please know you are not alone.

 

[Jyar]

No worries Franciemarnie, no worries at all.

 

[Jyar]

Hope your day turns around.

I wish it had cdg. Instead the darkness took over. I let it. I didn't want to feel this way, when it feels normal and content, you welcome it somedays. I found support where I hadn't planned on it and betrayal where most wouldn't, however I knew it would come from. Needless to say the dark side found its way not just to the surface, it found its way into my eyes. People won't look you in the eye if a simple look could crush their spirit with not but a mere glimpse.