Today Was The Hardest Session I've Ever Had.

[FindingMyself88]

It has been a little under since I got home, and I am still fighting dissociating and feeling very "shaky", even though my T did several grounding exercises with me before leaving. I knew going into the session that today was going to be hard because I had to tell my T about my cutting again and about breaking down at the church retreat I went to when they talked about the retreat.

She gave me a new skill to use when I get overwhelmed. She thinks (and I agree) that I am cutting as a form of grounding from nightmares, flashbacks, and dissociating. She was proud of me painting instead for the rest of the week, plus for chatting with a crisis counselor online the other night. When we talked about the retreat, it was very difficult. She said she honestly thinks it re-traumatized me more than any good it might have done. Which explains why I had so many flashbacks during and afterwards. I thought it was a good thing that I "broke down" and cried. She thinks it was wrong of the church to talk about abuse in such detail and depthness and that they didn't really know what they were doing.

Talking about the flashbacks and nightmares that caused this week to be so unstable, me and my T started, for the first time, talking about some of the flashbacks in a bit more detail. She noticed when I got uncomfortable, and would ask me if I was okay. I thought I could handle it, so I said yes… Like I said we ended with a grounding exercise that did help some. But I still almost stumbled over myself when leaving her office :banghead:. Humiliating!

Now (almost 3 hours later) I can barely think about ANYTHING we talked about in the session without feeling like I'm about to "float away", even the positives she told me. Just writing all of this down here has taken me over an hour!!

Is this normal?? I feel physically exhausted :(

 

[arfie]

I can't call it normal, but I have been through it. The first few times I experienced, flight instincts took over and I abandoned ship. When I kept going with it, it lead to healing breakthroughs. The therapist I stuck with suggested I treat those after effects like a case of flu. Lots of rest, fluids and soft food.

Take extra special care of yourself. Easy does it. Don't think. Just digest.

 

[ghotiff]

Treat it like the flu.
Good suggestion @arfie

 

[FindingMyself88]

@arfie by abandoned ship, do you mean you left the session early or dissociated? I do hope today was worth it. I think I am going to take your advice and make it a lazy day with the dogs watching tv..

Thank you.

ugh I am just seeing some major typos in my post above, even though I doubled checked it. I meant at the retreat when they talked about abuse… please forgive me. Again, my mind was not and is still not very stable and present...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yup,
There's an idea that some experience a release of I think they're called endorphins...or something like that. Anyway, when we injure, the body releases a calming chemical, which can also ground us because it can bring us back into the present. Its actually a natural thing, that is, when the body is injured, these chemicals are released in order to keep us calm.

I used to have a problem with cutting up to 3 times a day. It was the ULTIMATE feeling for me. No drug could ever equal what cutting did for me. Unfortunately it was addicting and I couldn't stop. Now I'm in recovery and haven't injured since last fall (although the cutting stopped years ago, and that's what brought me my ultimate rush....err, calm.)

So I think you probably do use it as a grounding tool. Unfortunately my self injuring was so bad that I had to go into a month long program to stop the behavior. It was more along the strict side of things as no forms of injuring were allowed, and by no forms, I mean that snapping rubber bands was still considered injuring as well as using ice. If you think about it, both perpetuate that chemical release, so its understandable why we had to go cold turkey.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks for that insight @Solara

The "using ice" idea from DBT always seemed like a bad idea for me but I couldn't quite work out why. Now it makes sense. I was concerned that I was being resistive to treatment (not that it was specifically suggested to me) but now I feel more confident that is not being resistive, I just know myself.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Wow @Solara that sounds intense! I could not make it day by day without my rubber bands! I also use to use ice at work…

It does make sense scientifically and logically. I don't cut that often, it comes in spurts and is normally caused by flashbacks and nightmares. The first thing my therapist asked me was where did I cut and did I take steps to clean it and take care of it. That took me off guard because my last therapist never really asked anything like that. I don't cut deep, I do a lot of little cuts that just bleed a little. I told her in the past, I have taken it a step further and put salt on the cuts.

I am hoping the skills she is teaching me will work. We also discovered that I dissociate after these flashbacks. Like I don't really remember getting from room to kitchen. So she wants me to start doing one of my grounding skills before I get out of bed at any point, or wake up from a nap or sleep on couch or anywhere. The one she taught me today she called step breathing. She had me visualize that I was climbing a mountain. Every step that I took, I took a small breath. After 5 or 6 steps I reached the top, looked around at the view, and exhaled, sliding down the mountain. Since I can't predict these flashbacks, this will become automatic to do these skills.

Overall I do think today was crucial for me to trust her and also starting some of the trauma work. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but this week was very hard. Not to mention Mother's day is Sunday..

 

[arfie]

@FindingMyself88 By abandoning ship, I mean that I never returned to those particular therapists. I dissociated in every sense of the word. I was a "help-seeking denier" for a very long time. Willing to seek help while finding fatal flaws in every bit of help ever offered.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@arfie oh ok. Wow, I can't imagine what that was like. I tend to stay with someone even if it's not the best scenario. Like now that I am working with a real trauma therapist, I am seeing all the small things my last T did or didn't do that held me back.. I stayed with her for 2 years and will be going back occasionally to make sure I still get free appointments with my psychiatrist.

I did take it easy last night and am feeling better, but still exhausted. At least I am not so touch and go with reality though like I was yesterday. I've never talked about any of the flashbacks in detail, so that was really hard even though it was only for a few minutes...

 

[arfie]

Glad you are feeling better. It is okay that you are still exhausted. Progress over perfection. The thing I found effective in the notion of treating it like the flu is that it seemed to make room for the idea of giving myself time to heal. As the Algonquin proverb says, "Time has no meaning in the healing process." Be gentle.

Before I was in my late 20s, around 6 months was my average stay in any given place. Staying put for any reason was hard for me to imagine.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@arfie Thank you.

The thing I found effective in the notion of treating it like the flu is that it seemed to make room for the idea of giving myself time to heal.

This is something I struggle with. However, after this year of physical issues and PTSD, I am learning sometimes we have no choice but to give ourselves time.

I too moved around a lot as a child, absolutely hated it. It was always within the same state and even town. My mom just couldn't keep a job, so we kept having to move in and out of my stepdad's parent's house.