I struggle with PTSD. I couldn't tell you when it happened or when I technically was officially able to be labeled along with numerous PTSD sufferers, but it's there. I know that now. Sometimes I forget it's there and I function like any other happy, youthful almost 26 yr old female, but then I have my bad days.
You don't wake up knowing when a flashback will happen. It's not the equivalent of waking up and being like "God this day is going to blow so hard" I have days I wake up walking on sunshine but something so small and minute can put me into a fog. My brain starts to jumble, rational thought is no longer an option, I sweat (profusely). I see it in my head, and the memory may be related to the trigger (ie. My fiancé and I go to Walmart to get toilet paper and I sneak his keys out of his back pocket and start to nonchalantly sneak away. He follows and catches up. This is how we play. But he gets me. He grabs me by hood and holds me. It's ha ha for awhile until while juggling tp he tightens his grip on my hood causing him to unknowingly begin to tighten the cloth around my neck. I try to warn him to lighten his grip but he thinks we're continuing to play. I begin to get scared and teeter between reality and my reality only 3 years ago. I pull myself away and go my own way and him now thinking I'm angry with him separates himself from me attempting to not anger me any further. I stair out the window with memories of being choked around walmart and out to the car and the fear of the ride home of what's to come overtakes me) moments like this are terrifying. Trying to rationalize what's real and what's not. Seeing every simple non violent argument you've had with your current lover is magnified. But of course these are the words from an abuse survivor of 8 years. 2/3 of my children are abuse survivors and being 4 and 5 and hidden within my body at the time are non the wiser to the horrors their mother endured to give them the chance to see daylight. Their older sibling who would be 9 right now. They will know nothing about him due to the nature of his passing. It's hard to fight through these moments. It's so many emotions that make you feel like you'll throw up and float from yourself You get hot. Like a hot flash. One flashback can put me out for hours on end. What hurts the most is having a spouse who just doesn't understand what it's like. Who doesn't understand the mood swings and the hurt and makes you feel so selfish for feeling this way. I can't blame him. He doesn't know what it's like inside. He doesn't know what happened those nights I huddled myself in a closet on the floor in the dark hidden under clothes hoping to not be found. He wasn't there when I walked 6 months pregnant with my oldest beautiful child while my 14 year old brother pulled me back. He wasn't there while I sat terrified in front of cop after cop making excuses for my ex afraid I would somehow get in trouble if I came clean. He has no idea what it's like to be on the other side of a fist and be against someone you have no hopes of winning against.
So as I sit here coming down from my most recent flashback I think to myself I have overcome so much bullshit. My mom tells me "don't let a man who no longer has power over you still have it" I wish it was that easy. But till the day I die he'll be there. As the father of my three children I have to see him. Talk with him. Associate with him and he'll never go away. Same as some people never learn how to cope with a loved one with PTSD. I see so many people effected. ending their families lives and their own out of fear someone will hurt them. I don't know where the fight in me came from (probably my mom) But I fight. Through the fear. The anger. And life to keep my girls and my baby on the way safe. I can't give up and put someone else in charge of keeping my loves safe. In my head they'll half ass it. I stand up for all PTSD sufferers everywhere. This is not just in my head. It doesn't just go away and it's not that easy to overcome. This is real. Even when the memories are not. They feel real. I have to look at it as a constant reminder of where I am now from where I was then. I am safe. It doesn't feel like it 60% of the time. But I am safe. My children are safe and they will stay safe if I have to die or hospitalize myself making sure. They are safe.
You don't wake up knowing when a flashback will happen. It's not the equivalent of waking up and being like "God this day is going to blow so hard" I have days I wake up walking on sunshine but something so small and minute can put me into a fog. My brain starts to jumble, rational thought is no longer an option, I sweat (profusely). I see it in my head, and the memory may be related to the trigger (ie. My fiancé and I go to Walmart to get toilet paper and I sneak his keys out of his back pocket and start to nonchalantly sneak away. He follows and catches up. This is how we play. But he gets me. He grabs me by hood and holds me. It's ha ha for awhile until while juggling tp he tightens his grip on my hood causing him to unknowingly begin to tighten the cloth around my neck. I try to warn him to lighten his grip but he thinks we're continuing to play. I begin to get scared and teeter between reality and my reality only 3 years ago. I pull myself away and go my own way and him now thinking I'm angry with him separates himself from me attempting to not anger me any further. I stair out the window with memories of being choked around walmart and out to the car and the fear of the ride home of what's to come overtakes me) moments like this are terrifying. Trying to rationalize what's real and what's not. Seeing every simple non violent argument you've had with your current lover is magnified. But of course these are the words from an abuse survivor of 8 years. 2/3 of my children are abuse survivors and being 4 and 5 and hidden within my body at the time are non the wiser to the horrors their mother endured to give them the chance to see daylight. Their older sibling who would be 9 right now. They will know nothing about him due to the nature of his passing. It's hard to fight through these moments. It's so many emotions that make you feel like you'll throw up and float from yourself You get hot. Like a hot flash. One flashback can put me out for hours on end. What hurts the most is having a spouse who just doesn't understand what it's like. Who doesn't understand the mood swings and the hurt and makes you feel so selfish for feeling this way. I can't blame him. He doesn't know what it's like inside. He doesn't know what happened those nights I huddled myself in a closet on the floor in the dark hidden under clothes hoping to not be found. He wasn't there when I walked 6 months pregnant with my oldest beautiful child while my 14 year old brother pulled me back. He wasn't there while I sat terrified in front of cop after cop making excuses for my ex afraid I would somehow get in trouble if I came clean. He has no idea what it's like to be on the other side of a fist and be against someone you have no hopes of winning against.
So as I sit here coming down from my most recent flashback I think to myself I have overcome so much bullshit. My mom tells me "don't let a man who no longer has power over you still have it" I wish it was that easy. But till the day I die he'll be there. As the father of my three children I have to see him. Talk with him. Associate with him and he'll never go away. Same as some people never learn how to cope with a loved one with PTSD. I see so many people effected. ending their families lives and their own out of fear someone will hurt them. I don't know where the fight in me came from (probably my mom) But I fight. Through the fear. The anger. And life to keep my girls and my baby on the way safe. I can't give up and put someone else in charge of keeping my loves safe. In my head they'll half ass it. I stand up for all PTSD sufferers everywhere. This is not just in my head. It doesn't just go away and it's not that easy to overcome. This is real. Even when the memories are not. They feel real. I have to look at it as a constant reminder of where I am now from where I was then. I am safe. It doesn't feel like it 60% of the time. But I am safe. My children are safe and they will stay safe if I have to die or hospitalize myself making sure. They are safe.
