Took The Plunge Today

[mytai]

I saw the new social worker through the NP clinic today. I think I like her, not sure yet, but I feel like I will get on better with her than the social worker I currently see. She wants me to call her tomorrow after I report to the police to check in, and she booked me into see her again on Thursday. She seems to have an idea of a plan for me. She's very different then the other social worker.

Tomorrow is when I report to the police, I'm very stressed out. It's probably a good thing that I just moved to my new place yesterday and I have a lot to do to unpack and organize.

 

[Echo]

Congratulations on your new home! I hope you, Chelsea, the pussy cat and the rats will be very happy there.

I'm really pleased to hear you like this new social worker and that she seems to have a good plan for you. How often do you have to check in with the police? Is it just a one-off to report your recent assaults or are they going to be feeding back with what they've done re your uncle? It must be so hard for you to keep having to jump these hurdles. I'm glad you've got more support around you to help you with it. I hope someone is going to the police with you to give you a safe, understanding presence, and I hope you continue to be impressed with the police this time.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I don't have a set time I check in with the police. The video statement tomorrow is for this specific case of recent assaults. I'm not sure if they will be providing an update of what's going on, but I will be asking for sure tomorrow. It is hard to keep pushing through this all. I've been on a special suicide watch since Friday. I say special because typically suicide watch means being admitted for observation to the hospital, but in this case it is a nurse practitioner and a social worker checking in with me via phone calls and visits.

Today involved handing over medication that I don't need, but planned on using to overdose with. After I leave the police station I'm supposed to call the new social worker to check in with her on how I'm doing, then I see her in person on Thursday. I unfortunately don't have anyone going with me to the police. Even if I did have someone, they wouldn't be able to come in with me because it is a video statement.

 

[Echo]

I hope you get to see the same police officers as before. They will at least understand what has gone before and, hopefully, will remember what your T said to them about dissociation.

I'm sorry you are under so much pressure; it seems relentless, but I am glad this new team are keeping an eye on you and keeping you safe. Do you have an appointment with your T lined up afterwards if you find it really hard? I hope you can grab all the support you need.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, not the same police that my T spoke to, but I have already spoken to this detective at the hospital after the attacks and he was phenomenal.

I don't have an appointment with my T lined up because she is on vacation in another country for 2 weeks. This new social worker is prepared to see me as much as I need right now to help get me out of crisis mode. She said she would talk 3 hours with me if she could. I don't know, I might need that on Thursday, I guess we will see after tomorrow.

The social worker knows how stressed out I am about tomorrow, as much as she can for just meeting me today. I tend to be all over the map when I see someone for the first time, it's hard for them to get a feel on how I'm really doing, or maybe they get a very good feel because I can't hold onto a single thought long.

 

[Echo]

I am glad you have photo evidence already lodged with the police. Hopefully it won't be as complicated this time and you won't have to deal with memory loss. Keep fighting @mytai - you can do it. And I think you said this social worker has specific experience in this field; I hope that makes a difference.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I'm not banking on anything with the police at this point. I'm scared to get my hopes up about anything at all. At the same time I need to have hope to not completely lose my mind.

I actually don't know what this social worker has experience in. All that she shared with me is that she has personal experience with trauma. She just seems different than the other social worker I've been seeing.

 

[Echo]

I do think you are wise not to get your hopes up, if you can manage it, though it is perfectly, perfectly understandable if deep down you do. It is that lurch that seems so hard for you. You are asking for safety and fighting for it. I hope this time, you are finally allowed to have it. But if that time is not now, you will have driven another nail in his coffin, as you did before. One step at a time, and every step you take makes it so much harder for him to do anything without risking everything for himself. He didn't bank on you being as strong as you are.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, how many nails does it take to seal a coffin? Because I'm on my fifth time reporting. It takes a huge toll on a person to go through this so many times and still wake up in the morning. I am fighting for safety because it is the only thing I have, it's the only thing I have to look forward to.

 

[Echo]

I wish I knew. It is unbelievable to me that you haven't already done far more than enough. Each step you take makes it worse for him and you take back more of your power, BUT the toll on you is ridiculous and more than most people could possibly bear. I hope the police really get that this time. I hope they see your strength; anyone with the tiniest bit of compassion would.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, unfortunately compassion doesn't make me safe, I need action. The toll it's having on me is more than I can bear. That's why I'm so on edge. That's why I'm on this modified suicide watch thing. I don't feel strong in the least. I feel so tired of it all. I'm tired of fighting for safety, I'm tired of pushing through until the next appointment, I'm tired of living day to day just trying to make it through to the next morning. I want something different. I want to know what it means to go to sleep at night and look forward to the day to come, I want to know what it feels like to want to wake up in the morning and not think about all the different ways to take my life.

 

[NovemberStar]

@mytai, that is so awesome - good on you for taking the risk! I admire your bravery and courage. I'm sorry it is so hard right now, but it sounds like you have a very good supportive team right now, and plan in place to help you stay safe.

When you talked about your T and the flashback in her office and how she talked about unconditional love - were they all connected? I ask because my biggest trigger right now is my T - because she is caring. This triggers up so many things from my childhood. But it's also positive in that I am beginning to do some real work on the underlying trauma, within a caring context.