Touch Violation/boundaries-- I Need To Know If This Was Wrong

[Friday]

My father did one of my many many many sex talks, and it was nothing like that.

For one thing, agreed, the idea that ANYONE has a "right" to be angry if they don't get sex? (Men or women) is insane.

As to the actual content of the talk... It was funny, because he was uncomfortable..., but it was an actual conversation. I had questions, he had answers / he had questions, I had answers / we actually talked. A lot. (And drew pictures, and various jokes were made, and it was very very easy/hilarious on my end... Because he went out of his way to "do a good job". He still f*cked it up a little. I doubt there's a parent alive who hasn't). But it was never creepy, scary, or inappropriate at the time... And over the years I've found his views to have been largely held out as true. ((My mother's sex talks were far more scientific. My father's sex talks were far more emotional & moralized.))

***

As far as leaping on your to defend yourself? :rolleyes: Also insane. The only way that is in any way normal is if he'd been training you in self defense. To just leap on your child, & shout at them to defend themselves from a rapist??? Speaking as a parent; What. The. f*ck. Speaking as someone who has taught self defense (including to my kiddos) that is sooooooo the exact opposite of what any reasonable thinking person would do. First you train them. Including sparring. Looooooong before any kind of sneak attack. And any kind of bad reaction on their part? Is your fault as the instructor for not having trained them properly. Not their fault for not having been trained to respond. FFS.

I'm sorry that, at best, your dad is a complete moron... And at worst an abusive schmuck.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry to derail for a moment, but I can't NOT comment...You're a classical pianist? Phwoar! I'm a plants person these days, but I've always imagined that being able to retreat to music must be equally calming at times.

Sorry for the aside...

 

[lithium-mom]

Sorry to derail for a moment, but I can't NOT comment...You're a classical pianist? Phwoar! I'm...

Yes I am a classical pianist and I sing opera as well. Music isn't really a retreat for me, except maybe listening to it. It's mostly just trying to overcome the emptiness to go practice. Playing can be wonderful, but practice can be grueling. I am learning to enjoy it. The final product is very cathartic and beautiful however, and I love it a lot.

 

[EmmaOwl]

My dad gave me the sex talk and talks about my period. My mother never did. He saw it as his "duty" to, but I remember when I was 16 having these long in depth talks (well, he talked) (and I asked to leave but he wouldn't let me) about sex (even sex with my mom). He described how men needed to have sex and if they didn't have sex they had a right to be angry.

I am very, very sorry that you went through this - it was wrong and completely inappropriate on a number of levels. Much worse than the embarrassment I experienced.
This makes me so happy that my dad was who he was... Well not at the time but later on.

At the time we had THE sex convo... and yes there was only the once, thank goodness... we were in the middle of a huge empty parking lot, in the middle of a driving lesson (sneaky, so I couldn't run away! - but the only reason I would have had to run away was out of embarrassment, not any kind of fear). He gave me a box of condoms and the essence of what he said was, "Boys are weird about sex. Weirder than girls are. Sorry your mother can't handle this stuff, but please ask or talk to me about whatever you want." (Of course I never did!)

Something along those lines. It's true that my mother is some odd way old-fashioned and always found this kind of thing to be absolutely mortifying. My dad MEANT it, though, and in a non-creepy way.
My dad was essentially a pragmatist. He knew, if I was allowed to leave the house, I would be on my own, no way to enforce any rules except things like getting home by a certain time.
I had a 22 year old boyfriend that magically became 19 on the rare occasions I was amongst family :) But that just proves the point, there's no way he could have enforced any rules like that unless I was not allowed to leave the house or have anyone over.

There's such a line between what you describe and what went on with me. Some people might call it inappropriate for a dad to give his daughter a box of condoms. But reading things on this forum about fathers and daughters.... Well I hit the jackpot in that department, even if it took me years to figure out how lucky I was.

 

[Gamera3000]

My son's biological father (not my husband, who is my son's "dad") said and did weird things on the same scale as your dad. That was a big part of why we stopped letting him visit. I am certain that he did not have bad intentions, but it doesn't matter what you intend- it matters what you do. In the case of my son's bio father, he was a rape victim himself and he never dealt with it, so he didn't know how to properly act around other people. It was clear to me that he would put my son in a bad situation just from being ignorant.