Tough Anniversary Week

[FauxLiz]

This week is an anniversary of one of my traumas which generally makes it a difficult time of the year but this year is probably the worst I have had in a long time as I am currently off work on disability following a medical issue in June. I am scheduled to return to work on Aug 1 but that is not helping me get through this time. As a result of having way too much time on my hands and my son being with his dad for the month I have been isolating except for doctor and therapy appointments.

This past weekend I still don't know what triggered it but for some reason I decided to see if I could find my abuser from this trauma on the internet. I had not been successful in internet searches before but this time I not only found his facebook profile, but his professional business website (he owns his business) and LinkedIn profile. All of this sent me on a downward spiral to hell in which I don't remember most of the weekend other than multiple episodes of re-enacting my trauma and self-harming.

I met with my T today and was honest with him and he wants me to go inpatient but my employer has been very clear that if I don't return to work on Aug 1 they will exercise a clause in my contract declaring me either physically or mentally unfit and terminate me without severance. Besides a generic 3-5 day inpatient stay would just be to mess with my meds and since my Psychiatrist just added another med last week what would be the point.

I am sorry that this is so long, I just I don't know how I feel about having found this guy after all these years. It is silly I know but now I have located all of my abusers to some extent I feel safer because it is like I know where not to travel.

 

[GrayOwl]

You went in search of negatives and found them, hopefully they will help you avoid future trauma or abuse and you can use that info to your advantage.
But now, I would suggest, you are in need of some positives !!!
Thank you for posting !!! How about a bowl of ice cream, a good T.V. show or calling a supportive friend and seeing how they are doing? It might help to balance the negative feeds you've been receiving with some positives! You deserve it! A good book, something to read.....a joke book? Or the funnies?. Hope you can find some good stuff.
Sending a hug :hug:, and a smile, & wishes for good healing, emotionally and disability wise.
Take care!

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us for support:)

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry for where you're at, FauxLiz. I've been there. So been there. Only I never got back to work full-time. I finally had to go on SS disability. After several years off, I can work a little again, but only about 20 hours a month.

Anniversaries are so very difficult. Basically, the whole summer is an anniversary because I am not certain when my first trauma occurred, only know it was during the summer.

I've also done that, searching for some of my abusers. Never found anything. I don't think you're silly at all for wanting to find out where they are. You were doing what you needed to do to feel safe. That is an absolutely normal response to abnormal events.

Take care and best of luck and encouragement with therapy -- it's the only way through.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you everyone. Some days I just don't know how to get from morning to night lately. Work is very hard for me but this time off this summer not working I think has been harder because I don't have my normal distractions forcing me to focus, to get out of bed each day, to leave the house each day. I know I need to get through this one day at a time this week but what my first instinct to do is to bury myself in alcohol and not come up for a breather for a week.