Toxic Friendship

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi all,

Yesterday I decided to remove a toxic friend from my life as the relationship was all about her, and ultimately ended up being detrimental to my own healing.

I have abandonment issues, and losing her as a friend was triggering to me. It didn't matter that I was the one kicking her out of my life. Separation of any type is stressful. However, after a few hours of crying over the situation, I felt a great sense of relief and calmness. To be honest, a part of me is perplexed as to why I'm not upset as I've known this person for over half my life.

I have had emotional flashbacks and PTSD "episodes" in front of everyone...friends, family, classmates, and even complete strangers. Everyone has been more or less sympathetic, wondering what they can do to help, with the exception of her. She takes it personally, as if these episodes are a direct insult to her. She gets moody and gives me the silent treatment as I've "ruined" her good time. Mind you, my episodes look like panic attacks to an outside observer, and in these instances I'm never nasty to others, more often than not requiring alone time afterward.

This "friend" has never been empathetic toward me. I try to share things with her, but she never offers any sort of comfort, rather responds by one-upping me with an exaggerated plight of her own. Nice, huh? Anyway, this last incident involved her getting pissed at me for not being more caring and supportive of her during her latest round of health issues. Well, number one, I *do* try to be supportive, but I refuse to coddle or baby people, as I don't see this as being particularly helpful. Unfortunately this is how everyone else treats her, and when I don't, it pisses her off. So much, that she gets all her other friends to gang up on me for not supporting her! (Now that I think about it, someone needs to tell her that just because someone isn't supporting you in the exact way you want them to, doesn't mean they aren't being supportive!)

Anyway, I could go on, but that's enough for now. I guess I just need a little reassurance that it's ok to walk away from a friendship that is detrimental to my healing, even when it's one of my oldest friends.

 

[reallydown]

It's hard when the one person you hope would be understanding turns out to be the person who is least understanding. I've had lectures from friends about how I have to be more positive etc. etc. and while I haven't stopped being friends with them, I've cut the amount of time I spend with them and, in general, the amount of contact I have with them. I think you did the right thing, especially since it was affecting your own healing.

 

[wife of]

Sounds like she didn't like the fact that your flashbacks moved the spotlight off her...

 

[maddog]

SOL, consider that reassurance provided!

Not that you needed to of course, but you have justified your decision extremely well and created an overwhelmingly compelling case for having made the right choice. As you say, it's never easy to cut long term contacts, and separation for any reason and under any circumstance is especially daunting when you are sensitive to abandonment anyway, but toxic friends are... well... not really friends at all are they!

For what it's worth, I think that your ability to identify your own needs and to advocate for yourself in such a way is a really, really healthy thing - don't underestimate the importance of the ability to take action such as this, in addition to the action itself.

Here's to more healthy positive friendships for you in the future, as and when you need and seek them.

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

SoL, I can only second what people have said here.
I think you have trust your own feelings, and if you feel relief when somebody goes, then its a good thing.