Toxic Shame And Guilt

[Celtic]

Hello Everyone,

I have been on this site for a few months now and I originally joined because I was experiencing the worst setback I had for many years. I believe it was brought on due to a loss of my training schedule to due injury, moving from canada to the US, which took me out of my house and routine. The setback focused on the mistakes and choices I have made over the years in dealing with my trauma and abuse. Mainly the messages coming through were.. I am a whore for sleeping with so many guys and everyone from my hometown knows all of my horrible mistakes and I can never do anything about this.The other messages are ...When my husband and children find out what a truly awful person I was they will leave me and I have shamed them through my past actions.

Fast forward a few months later I am still experiencing the same Toxic shame and guilt... even though I have put a routine back in place, my self help techniques are being utilized, and my husband knows about my past choices and loves me anyway. I have my first appointment with my new therapist on Thursday.

I am finding it hard to pick myself up many times a day as the voice in my head is running a play by play of all of my past trauma and abuse. when I work through this, it starts running the tape of how people from my hometown know all the horrible things I have done and judge and hate me for it. It feels like I need to send everyone an apology letter. I do not do this because I know I grew up in a sewer where people abused and traumatized each other. when I go back to visit family members, every ten years or so... the way people react and treat me reaffirms everything the voice is saying to me..

I have worked really hard over the years to recover from my past abuse and trauma and there were many. However, to be hit with this theme was a little out in left field. I know when people with addictions recover they spend years making amends, I am just not sure this is the same thing. I am a little worn down by the fight and by not being fully present in my family's life. I am just so tired of feeling damaged and I know other people have it far worse than I do. I have worked through lots of stuff and improved my quality of life dramatically, just not sure why I cannot move on and be happy with what I have. A loving husband and four healthy children.

I hope I placed this thread in the right category.

Celtic

 

[Changing4Best]

So sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I hope you will be able to share these feelings with your therapist. I'm sure he or she can help. In the meantime, just try to rest in the love of your present family, let the past stay in the past if you can.

One thing that I have realized for a long time now is that is does not matter what PEOPLE think of me, what matters is what God thinks of me as of TODAY because God is the great I AM which means He is in the present, not the past. He forgives us for our pasts. He wants us to move on and grow and bloom.

I am happy for you that you have a loving husband and four beautiful children, who I am sure love you too! This is so wonderful. Focus on that especially. Buy yourself some flowers. You deserve them, if he does not buy them for you. I do that! It helps.

 

[Silver.]

I have the same problem with my hometown, for different reasons, but very similar. My skin crawls just driving into it. I don't trust people that come up to me. Are they coming up to be nice? To inquire about my past so they can gossip? I try to avoid it like the plague, even 20 years later. I wish I had some words of wisdom on how to deal with it other than take your husband and children with you when you go and keep their love tight in your mind whenever you start to stress out.
I hope your therapy appointment goes well and that you start to feel like you are getting on the right track to a healthier you x

 

[Celtic]

So sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I hope you will be able to share these feeling...

SheliaKathy,

thank you for your kind response and I am working so hard to do just that, live in the present and to surround myself with the healing love of the universe!

blessings and love to you if you accept.

 

[Celtic]

I have the same problem with my hometown, for different reasons, but very similar. My skin crawls jus...

Silver-lr,

thank you for the response and I am so glad that someone gets it. The last time I was home to my grandmother's funeral, a man who I had never met but i know to be her brother was introduced to me and I said hello and he glared at me but said nothing and he just stood there doing this. I just left. to this day I have no idea what his issue or concern was. People cannot move beyond my past and it is painful. I wish you well on this journey and thank you for your kindness. blessings and love if you accept.

 

[Silver.]

I have stopped trying to figure people out. If they cannot except that things happened in my past, to my family, that were beyond my control, then I don't need anything to do with them. I need to get the gumption to tell people off when they give me such looks :P
*hugs*

 

[Just Sayin']

Hello Everyone,

I have been on this site for a few months now and I originally joined because I was exp...

I feel that way about my high school. Specifically. And all the people I went to school with. My trauma happened at home, so ... I'm not sure exactly why except it was a) high school and b) the same time frame. Just seeing someone I went to school with takes me back ...

In the aftermath of the trauma, I did things to earn my share of regret, guilt and shame as I tried to cope. "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." - Maya Angelou

I second the hope that your therapy appointment goes well. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

In the aftermath of the trauma, I did things to earn my share of regret, guilt and shame as I tried to cope. "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." - Maya Angelou

Someone told me that. And that it was 30 years ago. And who are these people anyway-?, what does it matter- they don't care about (me). It was 30 years ago.

 

[Celtic]

I feel that way about my high school. Specifically. And all the people I went to school with. My tr...

Thank you for your response Just sayin.. this is the part I do not get ...why the shame and guilt remains an issues for me after so many years. I am sure the people who try to put in my place each and every time do not care about me.. I do not understand the piece of my brain that keeps replaying my mistakes and making me feel the guilt and shame over and over again. I am so grateful for the knowledge that people like you share about PTSD as well as the grace and kindness. I am sure the new therapist will sort me out.

blessings,

celtic

 

[Just Sayin']

Thank you for your response Just sayin.. this is the part I do not get ...why the shame and guilt remain...

Anytime, @Celtic. We each of us give and take the grace in turn. We're kind because we understand and are understood, and knowing you're not alone is a huge comfort.

For what it's worth: there's a difference between wrong and mistaken. It's the same difference between a lie and a mistake. If I tell you a deliberate untruth, I've lied to you. If tell you something I believe to be true and I'm simply mistaken in my information, it's not a lie even though the information is untrue.

When I was dealing with trying to accept myself self and things I'd done, my therapist told me, "There was a need you had that you were trying to fill. Trying to fill a need is an act of self-care, and that's not wrong. You just didn't have the tools then that you have now, and you were mistaken about how to go about filling your needs."

And then she asked me what I would tell a friend who had been through what I'd been through and done what I'd done. She asked me what I'd tell the girl I was at the time if I could travel back and talk to her. Would I berate her? Would I says the ugly things I said to myself to her? No. I'd hug her and tell her that she deserves better than she got and better than she's doing. It's amazing how much forgiveness and compassion I could give to someone else ... and to myself when I thought about it that way.

I hope you find similar healing and self-acceptance in therapy. I hope you find self-forgiveness too if you really do feel that you've done intentional wrong instead of simply being mistaken in how you tried to meet your needs in the confusing, scary, negative place you were in at the time.

Hugs if you accept. Best wishes always.

 

[Celtic]

Anytime, @Celtic. We each of us give and take the grace in turn. We're kind beca...

what an amazing and selfless gift I just received from you. I appreciate your sharing a piece of yourself, to help show me truth. I truly got it. I hope my new therapist is as good and helpful. I have reread the comments several times and understand it more each time thank you. I like this new perspective and look very forward to mulling it over the rest of the evening. hugs accepted grateful and returned with many blessings.

Celtic