Relationship Toxicity, Manipulation, Narcissism... Let's Have A Chat.

[lostforgottensoul]

but I feel like if I can help it, so can she.

No, not true at all.

I am medicated with Serquel XR so its much better but still not 100% better. I explode. Unprovoked many times. The smallest stuff, at that time, will set me off due to the level of anxiety at that time and my patience at that time. My dad has leatned to either ignore me or say something like "please stop being hateful with me" and that draws me back if not yet full blown, I appologize and take a few and we continue. But he used to argue with me and my step mom still does, which makes it worse. I have never raised a hand but you damn well believe have have been emotionally abusive but it is blind, I have NO idea what I am saying or doing until its over and I cannot control it. I have been taught by my therapist to feel my anxiety spiking but it goes from 0 to 60 in a second flat so I have very little time to catch it and get myself out of the situation.

Not everyone can help it.

I guess what I am getting at here is this - is it helpful to label this abuse? Or is more helpful to label it as an unacceptable coping mechanism and work together to change it?

YES!

But I don't explode. Never have. I implode.

I do both but the explode happens first. If it doesnt come out that way is when I self harm. My dad tries to stop me venting and I get onto him for that. He may not want to hear it but it needs to come out or the implode will happen.

Not sure what that says about me but eh.

Those of us who kick into rage instead of fear are going through the exact same fight/flight process you are. So the next time you trigger hard? Don't do anything. Don't cry. Don't hide. Don't self harm. Don't run away. Get yourself immediately and completely under control. That's what those of us who lash out have to do. For real. Lock that shit down. Immediately.

Oh God if I can like this a millon times I would!!!!!

 

[dulcia]

Thanks for the insight, @lostforgottensoul. It's nice to read perspective from the other side. If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about the Seroquel? Is it helpful? Do you have to take anything in the morning (or otherwise) to counteract the sleepy effects?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about the Seroquel? Is it helpful? Do you have to take anything in the morning (or otherwise) to counteract the sleepy effects?

The Seroquel XR (extended release) is a god send. It is the most helpful drug i have ever been on. Stabilized my emotions a lot. Not fully but a lot. Its more normalized. Again, not fully but a lot better then before.

It took a while to both get used to it and allow it to build up in my system. I had to have some coaching from the site here but I did it. I started at 50mg and titrated up 50mg at a time and ended up on 200mg. I have a thread about it if you're intrested in reading the progress as I went. It did make me sleepy for 2 weeks and i took those 2 weeks off of work but after that i was pretty ok as we did very small increases at a time.

I take it at 10:30pm, it doesn't make me sleepy at all. It sort of peaks itself perfect during my working hours picking up most of the anxiety so I am not taking the Xanax most days. Sometimes theres that one customer but most days i dont need it. I also lowered the Xanax during this.

My PDoc says to take it 3 hours before hed. Dont confuse this with seriquel IR. It is very different.

My explosions are MUCH more less. I just feel more even and stable. Not fully but much better. I still explode but it is nothing like before the Seriquel.

Hope that helped.

 

[420kitty]

I don't know if he's put it in my head, @heyheyhey. But I think over the years I'...

I am a little heated over this. I was in a domestic violence situation and I do have PTSD as a result. Your SO sounds exactly like my ex. It is NOT ptsd. Like someone mentioned earlier, it is abuse 101. To portray people that have ptsd as manipulating and toxic disgusts me. Maybe learn to do your own research and not to believe an abuser because that is exactly what he wants.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Not everybody has the same type of stress reaction. Just because you don't lash out with rage doesn't mean that others don't either.

Rage is very much a symptom of PTSD. Lashing out is a stress reaction. It doesn't mean that everyone with PTSD has that symptom or reaction. To say that it has nothing to do with PTSD is very short sighted.

 

[dulcia]

Yeah.... @420kitty, thanks for your comment, but as I mentioned in previous posts throughout this thread, I am not seeking advice on labels/names/diagnoses at this point. I'm aware enough to do my own research, hence why I'm here in the first place. Also....as you've stated, you've been in a domestic violence situation. So you should know telling me "not to believe an abuser because that is exactly what he wants" is a lot easier said than done, if that were the case here.

 

[Tothefuture]

I just want to comment on the isolation issue. As I am triggered by abandonment, my SO (the one with PTSD) isolating was a huge issue. I preferred him staying and lashing out verbally than leaving. I hated the isolation. The pain it caused me was way worse than anything he said (and he said a lot of mean shit) but for ME, those were just words as yucky as they were. The isolation left me shaking and crying and it got to the point where I was self harming when he would isolate.

So please don't make the mistake of thinking that a behavior may be more or less painful to someone else based on a value system which may not be shared by the other. Be open to the possibility that there may be pain with a behavior thought to be helpful, even if it is unintentional. I think awareness is key as many have said, and by just declaring it impossible to be causing pain through a particular behavior, means to me that there may not be awareness.

To the defensiveness around the issue... I heard that same defensiveness from my SO a lot which usually means a blind spot around an issue. If there can be calm and nonjudgement (towards self) thought about it, it may be possible to accept that there could be a problem with the behavior. And the need to be right at all costs, also familiar and understandable... also a sign of a blind spot.

Everyone is struggling here. Let's be supportive and help each other move forward, including ourselves.

 

[Knots]

Cheating and narcissism IMO, are not traits of PTSD. I wish you strength in doing what you know is right for you.

But reading this thread makes me feel like a horrible person for being such a bitch to my partner at times. I hope he's not feeling "abused" etc by my anxiety, inability to tolerate loud talkers at times and he's a loud talker.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist who specialises in PTSD and much more. I have PTSD, social anxiety disorder, anxiety and more I can't remember atm. I take Seroquel XR, Seroquel, Valdoxan, Effexor, Imovane.

I try very hard to hang onto my mood when he loud talks and questions why I didn't do something this way or that way,. I often forget to do things or simply do them the wrong way even when the real me knows better.

I am very condescending and impatient with him. AT TIMES. I feel guilty within minutes, I hate existing in this shell of my real self. But I have no choice for now.

OP I don't cheat or lie to him, I worry he will leave one day if I don't get back to my real self soon. He's a good descent respectable man, and super patient.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that there is a big difference between lashing out and being cruel repeatedly. I think if cruelty is repeated over and over it has crossed the line into being abuse. Just my opinion. I understand the supporters views here and I think you are so very kind and merciful to your sufferers. But I do not like people that are cruel by choice to just hurt someone and feel good about doing that. Does this make sense? I do not think that most vets feel good about lashing out at their families at all.

 

[ILoveLife]

Three of my abusers were abused in their childhoods themselves. Doesn't justify the abuse in my opinion, just makes me willing to forgive those who seek help for their trauma to prevent repeating the behaviours.

 

[dulcia]

But I do not like people that are cruel by choice to just hurt someone and feel good about doing that.

The point is that his PTSD stress response (lashing out) is not by choice, nor is it to "just hurt someone and feel good". Not seeking treatment to manage his behavior? Yes, that's a choice. Not taking his prescribed medication for mood? Yes, that's a choice. Becoming overwhelmed, not knowing how to deal with it, and lashing out? Not a choice.

I do not think that most vets feel good about lashing out at their families at all.

He doesn't feel good about it. Usually embarrassment and extreme guilt/self-hate are what come afterward.