Trigger Diary

So Here we are 7 days caffine free with no cups of coffee, I can honestly that I have noticed a massive difference. My anxiety level has reduced and give me a lower baseline. My patience has grown as well and I am feeling more relaxed at the moment.

I was feeling flat yesterday for a while but my mood picked up gradually during the day, I have been sleeping more and less right through apart from a break to go to the toilet. ha ha

I have been feeling tired lethargic usually around 8pm , but last night I appeared to have more energy.

Being honest my concentration and focus has improved as well with now drinking mixture of green tea or herbal tea. The lime one seems to have the effect to increase concentration. I have more patience wit the downs of life at the moment and seem to bounce back better.

The angry has reduced as well, it is there on occasions but not as amplified as it was when i was having several cups of coffee a day.

This is the final piece of the jigsaw has been my transition reduction of caffine and better diet , reduction of sugar and unhealthy food.

I have given myself the best chance of staying in work , with all the work that I have put into therapy exercise and all the other things, the diet is the last one to balance ADHD , reducing the effect of any potential panic attacks or triggers

I am really happy because the DWP are looking to offer me a grant for ADHD coaching
I have been given my grant for ADHD coaching and over 10 days on the new diet and massively reduced caffine are working really well at the moment.

The coaching will assist me to settle back in work. I can see that also work have now recognised PTSD as disability and the thoughts of not being able to do my job have now been removed.

I have had a disability assessment where I am going to be looked after ( on paper at the moment) and my conditions treated seriously which makes me really happy because this will stop ignorant people ie the ones who dont understand mental health from moving me into a role which would put me at risk. If any of this is breached then I would have a case.

This is a total difference from 6 months ago, there is still along way to go to change the stigma and mindset but for me personally this is great news which means I am going to be protected in this case.

I have been invitied to become a facilitator for a charity Andy's Man club which is a male support group , I have been going for over 18 months and this has made a major difference in my life. As part of the giving back I am going to use my skills to help facilitate the group which is naturally the next step.
So here i am writing this just a day short of going off sick 7 months previously!!

I was thinking that my PTSD symptoms has been quiet for a while with no triggers!! So on tuesday I smashed a 17 mile canal run which is part of my training package for an upcoming 60 mile ultra.

Quietly watching the 3rd episode of 'The Last of us' when there was a scene with a male same sex relationship couple who both decided to end there life together (similarities with Romeo and Juliet). This caused me to feel a little strange with all f*ck where did that come from.

I instantly had a flashback, severe irrattion, high hypervigilance with extreme upset crying, a switch had been flicked!!! But this time it was different with no caffine in the system. I acknowledged what was happening, grabbed my headphones and my phone. I got into bed turned the lights off , put on my meditation app and just let the emotions flow. I cried , went through the who emotions, pain in my chest, high heart rate and let the scene of the trigger play through my mind. It was around 30 mins , i didnt fight it I just let it flow and then the emotion was gone. I regained control but the patience in me had completely gone. Instantly disassociation, i wanted to be on my own, didnt want to talk to anybody, very irritable, minor suicidal thoughts for a few seconds. then all of my training kicked in, I accepted the siutation I was in and that it would pass.

I realised that I had been here several times before and I was not in control when the trigger came, I was not trying to fight the emotion, I hid myself away from the family so they didnt have to deal with me when I tamed the beast. I let the power become removed by accepting it and riding the waves. the trigger was from interview / job I dealt with a a vulnerable male adult in a same sex relationship who was suicidal and has several issues with an ex partner. I had flash backs to the video interview and the time when i received several emails from the male contemplating suicide.

This is a 'down to earth' reminder that CPTSD is still here alive and well but I am 21 months on now. I know what and who you are PTSD you will defeat me. You may come and suprise me from time to time unexpected but I am ready to challenge you. I did exposure therapy on this scene from the programme on television and watched this again to remain vigilant to myself that I will not be defeated in this time. I aware , I am several stratgeies but I have been building myself up every day. This was not a defeat or a step backwards, it was a chance storm which I stood vigilant and remained present throughout it. the storm passed, it took the wind out of me. I rested for a couple of days and regained my energy.

I am strong , I can breath I am vigilant.

With this I have been offered an adminstration job at work of which i am really proud of to be honest in this case
With this role I will be removed from the front line , no public contact and case files in this case.

I will be mainly admin and this is the best chance for me to stay within the working environment. I am under no illusion that at the moment there is no definitive guarantee i will be free from all triggers in the work place!!! I am working in a police station when all said and done to be honest.

I have done over 50 EMDR around the several traumatic incidents I have been subject to. I am open to the fact that there might be a sneaky one which catches me by surprise but I have rebuilt myself.

In this environment I am just happy to be returning to work to be honest, I miss the work environment that is why I want to go back, I have been doing voluntary work to test out my skills in a different environment in this case. There has been no triggers, being a non police environment with the voluntary work in a book shop, I have thrived in this environment with my passion for books and organisational skills apparent which satisfied.
I have got myself in a good place at the moment in time and feel that now I am in the best position for this new role. At the back of my mind I am quite scared of a relapse but I cant let this fear dominate my life to be honest, I have to perceiver and push forward.

I have made space now to conduct peer support for colleagues who have gone through similar circumstances to me in this case.

I feel that now I have an obligation to spread awareness of the conditions that I have been dealing with the need to support others in this environment, this has also helped me come together with my own demons. Talking about my journey and telling my story has been empowering and also healing at the same time. The more I describe my journey the more I feel I am stronger and more in control , growth. Peace Out
So I went in for a meeting at work today and found my new role. I met the supervisor and the staff, I am glad I made the decision mostly for my mental health. I feel that a break away from the frontline will be amazing for me and this will massively reduce the risk / exposure to any PTSD material.

I was in work for around 3 hours , having brews, biscuits talking to people. There was no anxiety really apart from excitement. I am looking forward to getting back into work and know that it wont be plain sailing but I have put myself in the best position to succeed this time.

I feel that my mental health is alot better than October 2021 when i returned. All the work I have done in the background I am hopeful this will prove fruitful.

I advised a colleague last year to partake in EMDR therapy and this has been life changing for him, this has reduced his PTSD symptoms. I was really happy that my advice worked out , I feel that he was open about mental health and everyday by being open more and more people are normalising the conversation. This is really key and I am proud of this fact.

I am proud of me for being myself and breaking down barriers.
So one day before I start worl I look at my wage slip again and have been paid 40% less , so the agreed terms of being retained on full pay have not been passed onto the Payroll again !!

Arrgggggggggggg - they never get anything right even when I return to tomorrow , oh well time to fasten my seat belt , push down the accelator and close my eyes, enjoy the ride because what is round the corner no one knows!!

I have sent a claim form to the insurance to cover me!

I was angry but this is subsiding as this is wasting my energy I have smashed the email to make that I get paid at the end of the month for the insurance to cover my bills.

Anyway smashed an ultra on Friday in line for my charity run , everything is positive.

My body was in flat mode yesterday, mixed with tiredness , depression and fatigue. This comes as a natural consequence with distance running , now letting the body recover.
I have been in work for 3 days and there has been no triggers, phased return, this has been a completely different job to what I have been used to but will be for the better.

I have been a good place with work but only going in for the few ours has caused me to be tired later in the evening. This is going to be temporary because as the more my resiliance to work builds up then more my body will adjust.

At the moment because of my ADHD i want to run and do everything but I have drag myself back in to be honest, i dont want to do to much to soon. I am more at the final decision of removing myself from the front line to minimise any risk of any related triggers and causing myself more psychological injury to be honest. I feel that moving forward this is going to be the best option. I am going to be in a better mental state for the children and more patience, energy etc.

I am pleased that I have done 3 days and the pay issues has now been resolved which is really good. That is the end of the ongoing financial issues with work.

I am pleased with my progress and my counsellor has advised me to take things easy so I can progress slow and steady. I have done this in the past to much to soon and become burnt out to be honest. So I will learn from my mistakes.