Trigger Diary

[One day at a time]

a great summary

We cant control what others think
We cant control what others believe
We cant controls other peoples actions
We cant control how others feel
We cant guess how people are feeling

We do not have control over the other person and we should never let this ruin our own mental health without at facts. Our own personal thought will make our own judgement on this which can lead to depression, anxiety, sadness etcc

 

[One day at a time]

So since I have last wrote here i have now discovered that alot of the self issues i had around my good lady I am comparing ie today with the peak 6 years ago.

This is an impossible scenario, she has changed I have changed, there is no way that I can compare the two times because we have both grown and aged to be honest. By comparing this time with the present day no matter what I do I am always going to lose,

The comparison will not live up the real scenario , it will lead to depression, negative thinking. SO with this comparing what she was like to the present momement ie not communicating as much. This will always lead to depression or sadness to be honest. So I have decided to let the 2017 comparison go because I am a completely different person to then and she is a different person as well. I have accepted this , forgiven myself and let this part of me go. I have

So since I have last wrote here i have now discovered that alot of the self issues i had around my good lady I am comparing ie today with the peak 6 years ago.

This is an impossible scenario, she has changed I have changed, there is no way that I can compare the two times because we have both grown and aged to be honest. By comparing this time with the present day no matter what I do I am always going to lose,

The comparison will not live up the real scenario , it will lead to depression, negative thinking. SO with this comparing what she was like to the present momement ie not communicating as much. This will always lead to depression or sadness to be honest. So I have decided to let the 2017 comparison go because I am a completely different person to then and she is a different person as well. I have accepted this , forgiven myself and let this part of me go. I have also started to let her go from this comparison because no matter what i do , I am better than I was in 2017, older wiser, stronger and more resiliant a completelyt different person,

I have realised this the last 2 days, and I feel alot more free.

Work has been okay the last 2 shifts, done 7 hours, the work is okay and doesnt fill me up to be honest, I feel that the mental health, peer support side and the communication with people will allow me to remain in the job.

I was very irratuable the last 2 days because , there has been not much talking with her but I have flipped this now to be honest. I cant control what she does, how she feels, what her actions are, I cant make her happy, I can try my best to brighten her day but now over the last 2 weeks I have realised that my happiness used to depend on the happiness of her,she was in a mood I was unhappy , anxious, depressed etc. Amplified by the PTSD and ADHD. Now this is no way to live at all because I have learnt that I am responsible for my own happeniness and my own self care. Each person us responsible for there own to be fair.

I have started to let her go in the sense of her being responsible for my happiness, if he has not been talking to me , silent treatment mood, dislike me whatever. This is her feeling of me, if I am done something wrong then I will apologise but to have a person barometer on my wn happeniness is a sad way to be.

This person is responsible for themselves , they have to be responsible for their own happiness and nobody else in this case. I can be present in the moment but they choose to be uhappy.

Comments from eldest, no one likes you at the moment and no one wants you here, these were very raw comments (ADHD hit me hard emotionally because they were from my nearest and dearses and set things out into context.

I challenged my good lady over the comment ie no one wants you here she denied saying that and I will respect, i was under the small impression she felt like this as well so I was checking in due to my own insecurities,

After work yesterday I did an immediate 3 mile run in this case and felt alot better. I got home mixed with tiredness, ADHD irrability, mixture of the PTSD brain. I had a bath and hit a wall, my mood dropped, I was upset emotional and wanted to be on my own. I messaged a friend.

So for 4 hours mixture of deep sleep, meditation, i cried and let the emotion come over me and let myself grieve the old me comparison and started to let this concept go.

I cant control what people do but I can control how this affects me, I have realised that PTSD is here , the wiring in my brain has been changed and I need to repeatedly check in on my mental health. I was exhausted last night and felt this was an excellant idea going to bed away from the world to process everything.

I feel that this is a massive turning point for me in this case and feel that I have turned a corner and a realisation , I feel that even though alot of the PTSD triggers have gone this is the final chapter by home life, me adapting , maintaining my family relationships. My partner is the closest one and the last one and this is the most difficult to navigate because she is a closed book most of the time.

I have tried to guess what she has been thiking in the past but this leads to unhappiness so now I have to leave that behind and explore the process. I feel that when I am under the scope it irrability then I dissassociate my mind does this and the negative thinking comes in.

Such as catohprising , ie she doesnt love me, we are splitting up etc, my gut has been telling me this , this is not as simple 17 years together house and two children. This is complicated and any decision will not be come lightly.

I have started to grieve the old me in the relationship , I have built this new person who is doing really well at battling the stress. I cant control how she feels, I have a gut feeling but this is her thoughts. Trying to guess then is not the way , I go to the negative sides of the relationship but there are several positives definately, i have to constantly remind myself of the positives in this case to remind myself.

When I am down, triggered, irrabilile I have to remind myself that this is the negative thinking aspect and I have to search for the comparitive evidence that this is not true.

So this morning I have got up around 5 am

done a massive self care routine

Chakra points
Heart meditation
journalling
goals
grateful
i am affirmations
david goggins motivation stuff
3 miles run
stretch
mobility exercises
bath
massage gun
shopping
budget plan

With all this I have started the day really well, I have engaged with her only tiny bits which are manageable. I have not over thought things and my self esteem, self confidence has risen massively. The self care has to be a big part of my day and rest is also a key when needed.

I have to remember even though I have been at work 9 weeks, it is going to take a very long time to get back into the full recovery.

So far I am pleased and this has been very good, I have to be patient and as DG explained in this book the drop effect of the tap.

I cant expect the world to understand me and they might never will. I have put alot of hard work to maintain myself to be honest and this is going to continue

 

[One day at a time]

I have realised that this is the last time, I have been smashing the last week to keep busy but I have to maintain things at home while the chaos unfolds. There will a chat at some point with the appropriate time, I have to respect and preparing myself if she does not want to be with me anymore then I will accept this and change the tone respectively.

We have been through alot as a family and I am getting better everyday, Dave I am really proud of you and whar you have achieved,

I spoke to a lady at work who has also been through the mire and is coming out the other end now, The conversation that we were having is understanding , ie gets mental health and recovery which is an awesome conversation to have, I have inspired others and will continue to be humble in the process.