Trigger Diary

[One day at a time]

a great summary

We cant control what others think
We cant control what others believe
We cant controls other peoples actions
We cant control how others feel
We cant guess how people are feeling

We do not have control over the other person and we should never let this ruin our own mental health without at facts. Our own personal thought will make our own judgement on this which can lead to depression, anxiety, sadness etcc

 

[One day at a time]

So since I have last wrote here i have now discovered that alot of the self issues i had around my good lady I am comparing ie today with the peak 6 years ago.

This is an impossible scenario, she has changed I have changed, there is no way that I can compare the two times because we have both grown and aged to be honest. By comparing this time with the present day no matter what I do I am always going to lose,

The comparison will not live up the real scenario , it will lead to depression, negative thinking. SO with this comparing what she was like to the present momement ie not communicating as much. This will always lead to depression or sadness to be honest. So I have decided to let the 2017 comparison go because I am a completely different person to then and she is a different person as well. I have accepted this , forgiven myself and let this part of me go. I have

So since I have last wrote here i have now discovered that alot of the self issues i had around my good lady I am comparing ie today with the peak 6 years ago.

This is an impossible scenario, she has changed I have changed, there is no way that I can compare the two times because we have both grown and aged to be honest. By comparing this time with the present day no matter what I do I am always going to lose,

The comparison will not live up the real scenario , it will lead to depression, negative thinking. SO with this comparing what she was like to the present momement ie not communicating as much. This will always lead to depression or sadness to be honest. So I have decided to let the 2017 comparison go because I am a completely different person to then and she is a different person as well. I have accepted this , forgiven myself and let this part of me go. I have also started to let her go from this comparison because no matter what i do , I am better than I was in 2017, older wiser, stronger and more resiliant a completelyt different person,

I have realised this the last 2 days, and I feel alot more free.

Work has been okay the last 2 shifts, done 7 hours, the work is okay and doesnt fill me up to be honest, I feel that the mental health, peer support side and the communication with people will allow me to remain in the job.

I was very irratuable the last 2 days because , there has been not much talking with her but I have flipped this now to be honest. I cant control what she does, how she feels, what her actions are, I cant make her happy, I can try my best to brighten her day but now over the last 2 weeks I have realised that my happiness used to depend on the happiness of her,she was in a mood I was unhappy , anxious, depressed etc. Amplified by the PTSD and ADHD. Now this is no way to live at all because I have learnt that I am responsible for my own happeniness and my own self care. Each person us responsible for there own to be fair.

I have started to let her go in the sense of her being responsible for my happiness, if he has not been talking to me , silent treatment mood, dislike me whatever. This is her feeling of me, if I am done something wrong then I will apologise but to have a person barometer on my wn happeniness is a sad way to be.

This person is responsible for themselves , they have to be responsible for their own happiness and nobody else in this case. I can be present in the moment but they choose to be uhappy.

Comments from eldest, no one likes you at the moment and no one wants you here, these were very raw comments (ADHD hit me hard emotionally because they were from my nearest and dearses and set things out into context.

I challenged my good lady over the comment ie no one wants you here she denied saying that and I will respect, i was under the small impression she felt like this as well so I was checking in due to my own insecurities,

After work yesterday I did an immediate 3 mile run in this case and felt alot better. I got home mixed with tiredness, ADHD irrability, mixture of the PTSD brain. I had a bath and hit a wall, my mood dropped, I was upset emotional and wanted to be on my own. I messaged a friend.

So for 4 hours mixture of deep sleep, meditation, i cried and let the emotion come over me and let myself grieve the old me comparison and started to let this concept go.

I cant control what people do but I can control how this affects me, I have realised that PTSD is here , the wiring in my brain has been changed and I need to repeatedly check in on my mental health. I was exhausted last night and felt this was an excellant idea going to bed away from the world to process everything.

I feel that this is a massive turning point for me in this case and feel that I have turned a corner and a realisation , I feel that even though alot of the PTSD triggers have gone this is the final chapter by home life, me adapting , maintaining my family relationships. My partner is the closest one and the last one and this is the most difficult to navigate because she is a closed book most of the time.

I have tried to guess what she has been thiking in the past but this leads to unhappiness so now I have to leave that behind and explore the process. I feel that when I am under the scope it irrability then I dissassociate my mind does this and the negative thinking comes in.

Such as catohprising , ie she doesnt love me, we are splitting up etc, my gut has been telling me this , this is not as simple 17 years together house and two children. This is complicated and any decision will not be come lightly.

I have started to grieve the old me in the relationship , I have built this new person who is doing really well at battling the stress. I cant control how she feels, I have a gut feeling but this is her thoughts. Trying to guess then is not the way , I go to the negative sides of the relationship but there are several positives definately, i have to constantly remind myself of the positives in this case to remind myself.

When I am down, triggered, irrabilile I have to remind myself that this is the negative thinking aspect and I have to search for the comparitive evidence that this is not true.

So this morning I have got up around 5 am

done a massive self care routine

Chakra points
Heart meditation
journalling
goals
grateful
i am affirmations
david goggins motivation stuff
3 miles run
stretch
mobility exercises
bath
massage gun
shopping
budget plan

With all this I have started the day really well, I have engaged with her only tiny bits which are manageable. I have not over thought things and my self esteem, self confidence has risen massively. The self care has to be a big part of my day and rest is also a key when needed.

I have to remember even though I have been at work 9 weeks, it is going to take a very long time to get back into the full recovery.

So far I am pleased and this has been very good, I have to be patient and as DG explained in this book the drop effect of the tap.

I cant expect the world to understand me and they might never will. I have put alot of hard work to maintain myself to be honest and this is going to continue

 

[One day at a time]

I have realised that this is the last time, I have been smashing the last week to keep busy but I have to maintain things at home while the chaos unfolds. There will a chat at some point with the appropriate time, I have to respect and preparing myself if she does not want to be with me anymore then I will accept this and change the tone respectively.

We have been through alot as a family and I am getting better everyday, Dave I am really proud of you and whar you have achieved,

I spoke to a lady at work who has also been through the mire and is coming out the other end now, The conversation that we were having is understanding , ie gets mental health and recovery which is an awesome conversation to have, I have inspired others and will continue to be humble in the process.

 

[One day at a time]

I have not wrote on her in quite a while, my problems at home have reached a fever pitch and then they have dropped of to be honest. They have now , settled , i have begun to emotionally remove myself from the relationship.

I am alot stronger than i have been to honest, i underestimated how strong i am. This is not me to be honest, i have laid my heart out several times with buy in. Mandy is depressed, burnt out and I am getting the rough end of her, ie the rest of her !!!!

She has been a mood with me for 3 months and this would bring any man down to his knees to the be fair.

I have been emotional, i do cry alot and the letting go , changing the story i tell myself has been really powerful to be fair. I have let go of the control I gave her over me, i have learnt to let go.

My emotions and reactions , should not be dependant on her behaviour when she feels like talking to. This is wrong i HAVE f*ckING LAID MY HEART OUT ON THE LINE!!!!!!!! TOLD HER THE SLIENT TREATMENT HAS BEEN HURING ME AND NO f*ckING EFFORT. This is the end of me putting myself out repeatedly , she decided when she feels like it to engage despite several attempts to negaiate.

she has been engaging alot via text message limited messages and told her that we are going on holiday soon and very positive on sat spent 8 hours as a family and then she shut down again accusing me of pretending to be happy!!!!

So she shut down.

First PTSD triggers, i had a awful feeling in my stomach, i thought when tyler my son said loft , i thought he would fall to his death !!!!!

This did not feel like a normal human emotional response, this was a sense of immediate dread and fear, the one i know all to well the PTSD version, anxiety kicked in, irrability , impatience. I allowed him in the loft i was then on a knife edge for 10- 15 mins thinking he would die if he fell down the hole. I was not myself and knew something was up, when i gathered my thoughts, i went immediate fatigue , triggered, mild shaking and depression , impending fear of doom!!! Welcome to the storm game time.

This was around an incident where i took my eye off my son when he was 3 years old on a climbing, i was talking to someone when he fell and i thought he was seriously hurt.
I couldn't get this out of my head , the starting crying stomach pains, had a gut feeling not to go into the loft, It was pre warning me about the PTSD trigger to be fair. SO I did my proven technique to be fair, meditation, acceptance, I let the thoughts come in. I rode the wave . emotions, bad thoughts neg not good enough , shit dad, several others , my fault. So put on a 400 hertz meditation which seemed to make the difference. I used my chakra stone, the big madagascar one , with prayer , energy work, breathin, giving control over, followed by tapping on my shoulders.

I replayed the movie over and over till the emotion was cleaned out, i then let the words repeat then i forgive myself, give up control to the spirit guides and the guardian angel Michael. Asked God for helpm my body reacted , farted m burp , released the pain the best way that I could and then inserted, I am strong , I can breath, it was an accident, Tyler is fine this was 7 years ago. Him now. After around 2 hours, I was flat , tired, fatigue, no patience, didnt want anyone i my personal space so i then changed the daliague and gave baby steps.

I then treated myself to popcorn , ginger biscuits , aero choco. Smashed my treat for meeting this. f*ck anyone else, I got through this again on my own. I told my friend then he gave me a check in message and then I know how the tools are can manage.

I was disappointed it came but with PTSD can come up and this was a test, there is still work to do and this is a timely reminder of that. Depsite the condition that I am in now mentally and physyciallty, this is a remainder not to underestimate or be complacent !!!!!!

Dave you are my hero, i am strong, i can breath, wil get through this by hook or by crook.

You are doing really well!!

 

[One day at a time]

so here I am 3 weeks on and what a change around

My wife of 11 years has decided to tell me 4 months later

- there has been a negative feeling in the house so she was going to the gym coming home later because she did not want to come home
- she has been drained by me , she cant support me anymore at all and feels that I have drained her of everything
- she has been having issues with security job
- step dad, father passed away last 18 months
- looking after her mum
-fed up of people finding out her business

With all of this and money she has had enough.

She said this is all to me and the ball is in my court.

I am not going to lie because I was heartbroken but did not respond property one of the issues is that I carry on like everything is fine. My issue is I am a guy who likes to communicate to be honest , when the other person does not respond or have an answer.

I did not let this ruin the holiday, i wanted to communicate how I was feeling but she is totally numb with everything of me and has nothing left to give me. This is raw honest and being a person who is suffering with mental health. I have to man up and own it.
I knew that 4 months ago after all that had happened that I have started to let go emotionally.

This has been really healthy for me, i have told her I communicate and this is what I do to help myself get better.

I have to appreciate that she deals with stress differently to me and the penny has finally dropped regarding this aspect. It f*cking hurts . I want to sort this out and after being with someone for 17 years !!!! Those words ie doesnt support me anymore emotional is a bitter pill to swallow,
That is cut to the heart , i had suspensions and trusted my gut , I started this process and now it is offical.

The holiday was amazing but stressful on occassions, it was amazing to get away from work.

We felt like a family again, I was in with my family and was in a zone all be it away from life, it was an amazing experience to unplug. I gave the holiday everything that I had to be honest.


I had a PTSD trigger which really upset me , I was rubbing cream in Tyler's legs he was wearing blue underwear with a car on which sent me back to an indecent image job in 2016/17. This was not instant and then a job in 2019 an incident video involving a child and an adult to be honest.

I have triggered, went hypervigilant upset, angry, I swallowed my pride and put on a brave face , it was awful it felt awful but it was not my sons fault he is only ten. The f*cking bastard c*nt , bastard f*cking horrible condition of c*nt PTSD has tried to floor me again but on this occassion I have been more resilient to be honest. I have been present.

I rode the waves of emotion i was upset, i journaled it all down but admitted with this one that I will need professional help.

I am concerned that this is the 2nd lot of incidents in 3 weeks. Is this a relapse?? Defo not , I am grateful for the challenge ahead.

I have come with plan

AMC - mon done
meds again - Anti depressants 5mg done
counselling Helen starts on 16/08/23
Friend support


Dropping rummage charity work
dropping groups at work and only going to run running group and charity drop in group

So I am crying now in tears flooding typing this, with every high , my family is back but PTSD the bastard is real and present.

With the meds I have noticed I have been irritable to be honest. thoughts of suicide, thoughts of being unworthy, thoughts of wanting to be on my alone and being better alone.

I need to keep talking to people to keep my connection with people and keep myself going.

The routine is key , I have to keep up with the basic things well. Dave your body is adjusting to the meds and this will take a couple of weeks I umm and arggh over the meds but made my mind up this will give me a boost which will be a welcome need

The EMDR where it will take me I do not know to be honest but I am primed , I am battered again, bruised , ego is sore and I feel , really low this evening. Probably say lowest this year but I have to keep fighting on.

I am grateful to the journey and will keep getting up, the day I dont get up will be the day that I have given up.

As DG said I am in this alone, no one knows my head , no one knows what I can do or what is going on.

 

[One day at a time]

SO with this i returned to work and the things in the house got heated on Wed, when chloe kicked off and is in sin bin,

It has bene agreed that she will stay in her room for a while and we invoke discipline.

I can see that i have bene accused of not being a good parent and letting things slide I have bene defensive of this nature because to be honest this is not really a simple thing that can just wash over to be fair.

I have been mentally ill for the last 2 years and this remained issues with the family to be honest, I accept that I have used the kids computers as pacifiers to be honest , since returning to work I have been tired on the lates and have been fatigued to be honest.

With also not speaking to Mandi for 3 months this has taken a toll on the relationship and the children.

i have struggled the last 3 days because my worse fears

- not a good dad
- dodging the truth and carrying on

I cant deny that I find disassociation quite common to be honest I do struggle with not connected and feel that she has been honest with me as always but this is a two way street.

That hit me really hard but I am concerned about the mental health of Chloe because I suffered in silence for many years but she might not need this

All that I can do is try to be honest and accept the way i am at the moment.

For the last 3 nights I have not slept very well and feel fatigued today t be honest, i have been over thinking, thoughts of suicide have been a constant thought in my mind. The thoughts of better not here, better off dead to be honest, easier than having to deal with the current family situation

The suicidal thoughts are present and real , I believe more so since starting the meds again, this was a big decision but if I am going to have to the next stage of EMDR treatment again then I am going to need them ever more.

I am on day 6, i am going to ring the Samaritans and speak to someone about my mental health to be honest,

I have to keep going and accept that things are going to be tough but U will get there.

Keep fighting , this is a some obstacle of which I will get through

 

[One day at a time]

Here we are 6 weeks ago there has been progress with Chloe and she has been getting alot better to be honest. Several things and referrals have been ongoing of which I am extremely proud all of the time now.

I can see that this is a really good thing.

Personally the tablets I am 8 weeks into taking these meds, they have taken the edge off alot to be honest and I have been more emotionally balanced to be honest.

Homelife was tough for the kids for 6 weeks to be honest.

PTSD related things, I have made decision this week that I need to go to court on Monday to exercoie the demons. I rang the victim of this case with no adverse feelings at all to be honest now to be true.

I can see that as I have pushed myself forward I have been doing things extremely well at the moment to be honest that I can see to be true. I am taking myself with Andy now I have the support their to help me push everything that I have been doing which will be amazing to be honest.

I am slightly apprensive but I will be okay to be true.

I need to do this, I have worked hard on the triggers and come to far for an issues to come up, I will be okay but I need to meet this head on. It does upset me as I feel that I am getting to the stage that I was 12 months ago now , where I have put so much effort into everything that I am going to pay the price for it.

I wll not because I am meeting the fears and there is nothing to be afraid of because I have smashed this job as I am one of the best investigators on the planet.

Chloe okay defo PTSD playing with a lad going out playing ( the matter is she is an innocent child caught in the game in my head to be honest)

I feel really over protective due to the amount of children I have dealt with at work and the fact she was sexually assaulted two years ago , she does not see what I have been through but everything is extremley amplified to be honest now.


I was upset , angry, worried I kept ringing her because she didnt meet me at the allocated time and she did not tell me the truth , she was a 13 year kid who wanted to play out longer. She was blaming me but stated that I have ruined he night. When I made threats to be honest to end it with her friend she was really upset but this was needed.
I am a good father, I am trying my best, I am aware that she will be gutted and she needed someone to blame and it was not her. So she is 13, teenage ADHD, hormonal and to be honest her emotions are everywhere to be honest ! my reations did not help but I thought that I did really well to be hnest.


I am trying my best and the fact the way she reacted is I am installing boundaries for her to be honest and trying my upmost to be a ood fair father figure , the PTSD goes to rape, kidnap all the worst case scenarios but I need to battle against it because she is growing up and I will adjust , Dave well done for recognising this an it will get easier.


Panic attack feeling but I am tied, this is helping , she give me the run around because she wanted to play out longer, yo used to do the same , she will think that I am being over protective of her but I am installing boundaries to keep her safe. Chloe will not understand that but you are a good person Dave.

Challenge the PTSD more exposure the easier it will be , she is going to have friends which are boys

 

[One day at a time]

We are a week on from this incident and I can say that Court went very well I had a taste of this arena and was fully engaged to be honest, I enjoyed this really well to be honest.

I miss the buzz of an investigation to be fair but i now default looking at this concept on the mountain top. I do not miss x 10 crimes , x 10 files and all the prisoner processing that we do to be honest.

I have to say the job that I am doing now is alot less stressful to be honest that I can see, i was very surprised that reading through the case material there was no adverse rections of the which I am proud. I have acknowledged this in the fact that I have done alot of work around EDMR therapy and counselling to get this far now

I am very humble and under no illusion is was several hundred hours of hard work re wiring the brain of which I am very amazed I have to give myself credit that 2 years ago I was a mess and unbalanced to be fair. This took me along time to come back from this and I am going to work vry hard to maintain the current states of things.

This combined with my attitude has definitely made a difference to be honest, the meds have assisted me to take the edge off to be honest.

I am now going to take on this job because this is the last bit to help me move foward to be honest now that I can see, this is fate it has given another chance to really push this case forward to be honest and God has been looking out for me standing by my side.

This weekend for Tylers birthday has been amazing to be honest, lots of family time, the arcade club was good and time with Mandi has been very god.

I made a hug approach to mandi and she rejeted it , this hit me and went down to memories that I am lonely and miss sex, intimancy , this is a want and need. I am not selfish I know what I want. I deserve this in my life, I cant control how Mandy feels , her thoughts, i went in , I had nothing to lose to be honest and I respect her but i do get frustrated and rightly so . I have alot of respect for women.

I am addicted to porn at the moment , I have a high sex drive, I find other women attractive and often fanatise about other women. I cant help this, porn stops me from cheating on her and keeps my sex drive under wraps. I am human and male so this is okay to be honest.

Porn gives me the sense of being a man and gives me temp relief from being lonely and fills a small gap but is a tiny relief in the whole prospect of things.

Life is not perfect and I am grateful for everyday.

Andy T came back into my life to assist me with the case and this was the best during my ongoing recovery to be fair , i am


On the other hand I appreciate and I am grateful where I am , Mandi has been rebuilding herself of which I am very prod she has quit security , we are two months on to be honest and I feel that with her new phone, exercise bike , she is really doing well to be honest. I am extremely proud of her.


I am very proud that she is bouncing back really well to be honest which is amazing to be honest. I am proud of Chloe she was happy having interaction with other people , she really likes her friend Tara to be honest and she gets along with her really well. I am proud of her.

Chloe came back on time and I am very impressed with that and the trust is built in. Chloe is nuts, full of beans and energy, full of life, she is infectious

The ptsd anxiety over Chloe I will keep a check on this and monitor accordingly to be honest. I am self aware of it and will keep moving forward with it.