Triggered By A Coworker

[samson]

Hi all. Have any of you ever had to work people who trigger you? I am experiencing this now and on Friday it reached critical mass. I had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life. I work in a small office. How can this be avoided without bringing unwanted attention to my issues. I am working through sexual assault trauma with emdr. I'm 9 months in. Any suggestions are welcome.

 

[LC23]

No, but I can see how it would be possible with the luck of the draw being what it is. Maybe there is some way you can anticipate the reaction of said co-worker and sidestep it or dfuse it if it becomes an issue. However if it gets to be too bad you may want to consider having an honest heart-to-heart with your boss and tell him in confidence the complications it creates for you. I know you'd rather keep your issues to yourself and not muddy the waters at your workplace, but the last thing you want is to be pushed so far your stress cup overflows and you have a big on the job meltdown. So if it's heading that way you may have to act to avert that outcome.

Sorry to hear you are having this difficulty, I think every sufferer here can imagine how difficult that would be having to work around a trigger generator.

 

[saffy]

Any suggestions are welcome.

Is it safe to ask what the coworker is doing to trigger these feelings?

I think by avoiding the issues and trying to hide them might have more negative effect than if you recognise what it is they are doing and dealing with stopping that. Is he sexually harrassing you?

You certainly have rights in your work place and you should also have a PR section or someone you can go to with worries where it will be dealt with confidentially.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[user17231]

I'm working through a similar situation. I'm triggered on a daily basis by a member of my team of 4. I'm fortunate enough to have a boss who is willing to listen to a rant at our weekly 1:1 meetings about my frustrations. I don't bring up PTSD, but use terms like "stresses me out", etc. I don't have any quick fixes for your situation, but know that you're not alone.

None of my triggers are HR issues, but if your rights as an employee are being violated you should seek help from HR, as saffy pointed out above.

 

[circe47]

I've had the same issues as well. This is why I have agoraphobia. I can't control the outside environment, so I have a hard time leaving my house by myself other than for basic necessities and to go to the doctor. Even then, I take my dog with me.

 

[saffy]

This is why I have agoraphobia

Wow that must be really hard for you circe47 :)

I was interested in what you put about not being able to control the outside environment. I hear this a lot. All I can say to this is that nobody can, it would be impossible to be in control of everything in your life especially outside influences.

I think learning that that it is not about controlling 'it' but having the skills in how to deal with the outside environment yourself gives you the 'control' you need for you. If that makes sense :)

We were talking about assertiveness skill on another thread and how important they are in life. With this in mind, do people think that they would have more control of the effects of outside environments?

i.e Would the office bully really get away with it if we were more assertive? (We cannot control the bully but we can control how we respond to them).

I really hope that you are getting some help with this circe47 and that things improve for you in a positive way :)

Best wishes

 

[circe47]

Saffy-

Having dealt with bullies and abusers my whole life, I can honestly say that the only thing that works for me is to stay home and only "socialize" with the three other people who live under my roof, and the very few people we allow through the front door. This way, I CAN control my environment.

Maybe this isn't healthy by societal standards, but the family under my roof and the people I allow under that roof are enough for me. Disturbed doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about the things I read in the news every day. Mind numbing gossip. Increasing violence. Shallow materialism. Disgusting levels of greed. Parents murdering their children. Nope, I might not be able to control the outside environment, but I can disengage from it until people get a clue.

As for bullies, assertiveness only goes so far. In order to deal effectively with bullies, they need to be on the receiving end of a verbal can of whoop ass by EVERYONE who is exposed to it whether they are the victim or witness to it. If EVERYONE, whether it is family, workplace or school stood up to the bully and let them know in no uncertain terms that bullying would NOT BE TOLERATED, it might just make a difference. Otherwise, why should the bully change? Their bad behavior has always gotten them what they crave...power, attention, material goods, an outlet for repressed rage, whatever. It's like any addiction. Why should a bully change when others just keep making excuses for him/her? The bully won't change, the bully just goes and finds a new target. Intervention by EVERYONE involved is key. IMHO, witnesses to bullying who do nothing are just as bad as the bully. They condone the abuse of others.

 

[saffy]

HI circa47

I never read the papers, don't see the need to, Im not really interested in a lot of it and the rest just pisses me off, so I do not put myself through the torture. Nobody can control the outside environment and by disengaging you are not letting outside events make an impact on your life, However, they are never going to get the clue in your lifetime my friend we live in a world that is always been broken in one way or another. By isolating yourself you are robbing yourself and missing out on all the good in society we tend to forget about or miss :)

I feel you have a lot of pent up anger and frustration HUGS

I think being assertive is a valuable tool to allow you to deal with bullies in a controlled way. How you let their behaviour and thought processes affect you after you have said your peace is upto you and this is where learing to be assertive comes in handy.

There are no assertive people out there I know who are affected by bullies.

Trying to change a whole group of society might be impossible but we can change ourselves and what we put up with. Get a Bully on their own and they are normally frightened little people, have little self esteem themselves so put others down to make themselves feel better, stronger, more in control ect. Sometimes it has little to do with them getting their own way.

There is no law about liking everyone and everyone liking you. You are just here the same as them. Who you choose to let in is down to you and being assertive can be a valuable skill for this. You recognise traits in people you do not like, you let others know your bounderies and you can then build a group based on equal respect. You trust your group because there is equal respect.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[circe47]

Saffy-

I agree on every point you make. Well said.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry that you have to deal with this problem. I am so sad for you. I have dealt with bullies and they are arrogant and proud and very good at manipulation. Many people here have given you some good advise. I agree to disengage from this person as much as is possible. Try not to take it personally, I know easier said than done. All you can do is practice this. It is not about you. This person has issues and is dumping on you. You are innocent and it is not your fault. Try to stay away from this person.

Sometimes human resources is not alot of help if you are in a bullying environment. Then your only recourse is to leave and to find another job, although it would be better to get the job first before you leave this one. I wish you the best. Good luck.

 

[Shellbell]

I had bullying in the workplace and it was horrible. Having had a lifetime of abuse prior to that, plus being bullied at school, the workplace bullying was very hard to deal with and was triggering of previous abuse.

It's good to try to remember that bullies are scared or insecure people who are are acting out, but it doesn't justify their actions at all and they deserve to be dealt with.

I did get support from my Manager and she investigated it and supported me fully. During the investigation a few other serious things came up and the 2 bullies were sacked. So my ending to that was a good one.

But this doesn't always happen and if you don't have the appropriate support and don't feel able to be assertive, maybe starting to look for alternative employement would help.

In my experience bullies don't give up, unless you take a stand, which I know I couldn't have done without the support I had.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I was a victim of bullying and harassment in the workplace. I no longer work in the workplace because of the situation. It was not until I was out on a pregnancy leave that I realized the full impact of the bullying.

I think maybe Human Resources could try and accommodate you in some way to make it easier for you at work. Maybe there would be a way you could work from home one day a week to de-stress a bit.

I am sorry you are going through this. Does your therapist have any suggestions?