Triggered By Classmate Misogynist.

[AuraBunny]

I started this semester taking a physics class with a lab partner who also majors in architecture taking it with me. Initially we are both quiet and very friendly. We would stay late till night classes and I would offer him a ride to the subway. Recently he's revealed to me his views on women and relationships, which really triggered me because of how misogynistic, and sexist they were. He told me women are all replaceable, I like having more than one. And I don't use Facebook cause I like to lie and cheat. Why don't you think of others as a number? I felt sooo triggered and disturbed because of how so many times in the past I felt compromised, abandoned, and manipulated by this way of thinking.

Ever since then I couldn't stop shaking even though I dissociate and appear calm outside. I was in a psychologically and sexually abusive relationship before so I felt if I didn't give my ex what he would yell and it would he my fault. I had lived with domestic violence since I was a young girl 6, so much of it seemed pretty normal that when a man didn't get what he wants there is lot of yelling and screaming. All I can hear is just that in my head, and when men call women replaceable objects I get really shaken by this.... I don't like this feeling but its something I fear of being around everyday.

Maybe I'm not making sense but I get these flashbacks, and it causes major fatigue in school. How can I overcome this? I came such a long way from being a panicked mess after that 2 yr abuse and I'm finally pursuing a competitive major but the sexist beliefs still make me so mad and scared. I just want to cry but I'm forced to pretend it doesn't affect me because lot of people had left my side not understanding one but of what it's like to survive domestic and sexual violence.

There's no one who panics like me in my field and most are level headed with very distinctive strengths. It makes me feel lonely also having two sisters on mess and drugs cause of the abuse, that I'm the one who's doing this without any meds, and my therapist keeps agreeing with me but doesn't help. i have to control my mind and its stressful, tiring, and I don't know how I survive.... Just fatigued....

 

[RussH]

Aurabunny, he is not worth the angst he is causing you; can you get another lab partner?

You are making sense. No one should consider another replacable, regardless of the gender. I can assure you that a man in a healthy relationship would not consider his partner/ spouse replacable. I know my wife is not replacable to me.

Are you seeing a therapist regarding your ptsd? If not, please do, it will help you. If you are, then have you discussed this with them? They may be able to give you some coping mechanisims that will help.

 

[arfie]

Well, Aurabunny, looks like answering this post has triggered a gnarly flashback series of my own. I have been typing and deleting for quite a while, getting further and further from your question as I lose myself deeper and deeper in my own journey from 1960s tomboy through engineering schools to winding, unstable career to 21st century empty-nest housewife in need of a life. The flashbacks don't get any simpler, do they? I have been living in an isolated vacuum for years now ... I seriously do need a life... I can't seem to shake the engineer-wannabe... I can't get past this very flashback series...

As I type, I am attempting once more to meditate the flashback series into an emotional closure. Attempting. Once more. It remains as tough as a millennial conflict.

Sure wish I had an actual answer for you. Methinks the best I can offer is gentle hugs and hopes for healing.

 

[Promicarus]

I can understand exactly why you'd find this triggering, due to your background of being on the other end of just that kind of abuse, and it being largely responsible for your trauma.

It's hard to see challenges such as these in a positive light, in terms of "opportunities for growth", but that's what I do. I use visualization, especially--for example, when 'in the middle' of feelings of helpless regarding a situation, I'll picture myself standing outside a weight room, taking a moment to make a decision, and walking inside while viewing having the weights to lift at all, with gratitude. Attitude is everything, and key in changing it is looking for what to be grateful for in the situation.

It will sound trite, and strange--but you've been given the opportunity to overcome your abuser, get a sense of mastery, of "finally winning" over this stuck point---by simply recognizing THIS abuser as a sadly flawed, small spirit...and detaching, as though you'd simply step away from a noxious smell. There are such people in the world, after all--and if you choose to simply recognize them as such--as sadly unevolved--you may be greeted with a sense of victory which transfers to lessening your recollections of helplessness over your similar situation in the past, from which you weren't able to extricate yourself, at the time. We can't grow without the challenges, after all, can we?

I guess the "trick" is to do this without dissociating, as you mentioned. That was my way of addressing challenges throughout life, as well...to just shut off any feelings whatsoever. I've found that the "reexamining the situation with an eye toward what to be grateful for, in it (as "weights", "opportunities for growth", etc.), enabled me to actually change my feelings from negative to positive, rather than just shutting them off, out of habit. It may take some practice--and some repeated practice of visualization focused on picturing yourself and your ideal response (internal and external) when next confronted with this individual and/or the behavior (visualization is very effective for changing our internal orientations in specific situations--as humans, we're sight hunters,after all. By creating my own ideal tape, and playing it out, my mind/reality tends to follow suit automatically, as though following direct programming. Improves with practice.

My heart goes out to you--I know being stuck in a car with some cretin proudly spouting such rotteness--must have been really trying. It makes me wonder--did he plan it? Did he see it as an opportunity to "get to you", without your being able to get away--some kind of dominance-move? This sounds like a real bad guy. Just holding those views is bad enough--using them to corner and antagonize someone, proudly...that's really a sign of deep corruption.

Please see him as the trash on the sidewalk of your life...and just step over without a backward glance.

 

[scout86]

I guess, for a start, no more rides to the subway for him, huh?

I like what Promicarus said about thinking of this as an "opportunity". You, yourself, asked about "overcoming", right? That's an opportunity, waiting to be used.

I have a part-time job in my neighborhood and my employer recently hired a convicted sex offender who appears to be a psychopath. I'm having a similar problem, except that I'm fighting the desire to kill the guy in truly creative and painful ways. I talked about this with my T, who said that he doesn't think I'd do well in prison....LOL But, more seriously, he said that the BEST way to deal with people like this is not to deal with them at all. Failing that, he suggests flat out telling them, "My personal space is a really big bubble and YOU'RE inside it!" (Vary the delivery to suit yourself and the situation, but be direct.) This type of person often gets off on provoking a reaction. Any reaction. Do your best not to give him the satisfaction.

I wouldn't be alone with him and, if another lab partner is an option, I'd go for it. After all, the guy says he doesn't like women, why would he want one for a lab partner? You'd be doing him (and yourself) a favor. My T has suggested the same kinds of visualizing potential behaviors that Promicarus mentioned. (He says he'd prefer it if I avoided visualizations that involve firearms, etc. Darn!) Seriously, it helps.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things go!

 

[Hashi]

I agree with what others have written. I think a visualisation is a good idea. I would prefer one which is where you just don't engage with him at all - for example, you're protected by a wind that blows him away from you, a force field that pushes him back, or a guardian animal. So the only confrontation and frustration is all his.

Similarly, in real life I think the absolute minimum engagement is best. Ideally, no contact at all. I imagine his only reason for telling you those things in the first place was to provoke you. So if you do have to have anything to do with him, I agree with being direct and at the same time not explaining or requesting anything. Just have a phrase ready that you feel able to say to him, and say that and no more.

It can be good to have a phrase to say to yourself, too, to dismiss him from your thoughts. When I worked for an abusive boss, I would try to remember to tell myself, "I feel sorry for him because he's a complete idiot".

It makes me feel lonely also having two sisters on mess and drugs cause of the abuse, that I'm the one who's doing this without any meds, and my therapist keeps agreeing with me but doesn't help.

It's hard and exhausting for sure.

When you say your therapist doesn't help, do you mean they're good but there isn't all that much they can do? Or do you mean they aren't a good therapist for you to see?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is it possible to see him in a different light? He was probably damaged by a mysogynist father or abusive mother. If anything, pity the poor bastard. Look down on him because he is a victim of his past while you are trying to overcome yours. Try to realize this isn't about you. It is a flaw within him and as such he deserves none of your time or attention.

Can you bring up your concerns to your instructor? Perhaps frame it so you appear concerned over his efforts with a female partner rather than being triggered?

 

[AuraBunny]

Thanks for the input guys, I really appreciate it. I'm not seeing my therapist at the moment. I left my therapist because he was too complacent and didn't give me enough coping techniques to calm me in cases that spiraled. My tight schedule between school and work requires me to stay up late but after I am done with this semester I will be seeing a therapist. So far, I have my little sister to vent to, we help each other out, and my other good friend who I chat with on the phone, but rarely see. It's been tough but I'm managing it at least compared to the previous years, I used to panic around lots of people, now my panic is limited to people who oppress others.

As far as gathering myself I know I can benefit a lot from this experience learning how to build a more positive attitude towards myself. What's challenging is the flashbacks. Sometimes I just wished I could voice my opinions without feeling weak. I want my freedom to break the silence. I work on slowly being able to build trust with those who support my values, at school. I have some friends who seem to respect me and I learn from them because we are able to relate.

The great thing is I'm the one with the car so now I have left him to walk in the cold. I have only few weeks left of school this semester so I just bear with it for now.

@Promicarus : I'm really grateful for your advice because it offers alot of insight. I'm very curious about the whole visualization process. And I know its going to be an interesting journey for me, as I use this technique to guide my life. When it comes up, I will let you know how it goes. Luckily i only have this Physics class 2 times a week. And we're almost done. In the meantime, I hope that all of us can learn from this to overcome obstacles in the future. :hug:

 

[AuraBunny]

@scout86

I'm really amused by your answer, Lol. I've perhaps done the same thing and vented about it before, even though I'm such a softie at heart. My friends know I'm very gentle, but because of PTSD, my personality started showing a different side to me, so I used to get my anger out in Kung fu classes, and Muay Thai which helped immensely. I didn't have a job or as many obligations back then so I got myself in shape and tried to boost my confidence to get a job so I could get health insurance. As of now, being a student and working, Physics, Calculus, and Autocad have to take priority. The worst I probably done though, is set up a can in the back deck of my house, with my M4 airsoft gun and a picture of the person who caused me pain. And made it into target practice. Lol!

 

[Promicarus]

Sometimes I just wished I could voice my opinions without feeling weak. I want my freedom to break the silence

Do you know how you work on that? You voice your opinions whether you feel weak or not. The feelings don't matter, it's giving voice to your opinions that matters, as the yardstick of success. And every time you do it despite feeling weak, you'll feel a little stronger the next time you do so. But you have to put yourself out there, at first--feelings of weakness be damned. What's the worst that can happen? I'll tell you the worst that could happen--over the long run, anyway--you fail to give yourself voice, and so feel more and more unable to do so, as though you've allowed yourself to be beaten. And so it only gets progressively harder to make that first step. Been there.

The worst I probably done though, is set up a can in the back deck of my house, with my M4 airsoft gun and a picture of the person who caused me pain. And made it into target practice. Lol!

As our gut instincts so often do, you've steered yourself toward one of the most practical ways of moving through pent up and stymieing emotions...although better routes have been developed, and are coming more into use in trauma related therapy. What I'm referring to is recreating the scene from your image of the trauma--whether graphically by drawing elements of it (symbolic or representative) on a poster board, etc, however---then focusing on your feelings at that time---then taking either balls, and hurling them at the image one after the other, or a bat, or some other kind of "swinging stick", and bashing away to your heart's content. Peter Levine's book "Waking the tiger" employs just such physical approaches, based on the idea that our trauma is "frozen helplessness" of the animal trapped, and playing dead, rather than fighting back. Supposedly we have all these feelings "frozen" in such a state, with regard to our experience of helplessness in the face of our trauma, when we "froze" instead of fighting back. By recreating the scene, the taking violent physical action, we "exorcise" this stored trauma energy--as it's actually stored physically as well, in our muscles. Getting the flow going in the right direction again, and forcing open the drain, so to speak, necessary to enable this frozen, stored helplessness to flow out in a proactive form, which replaces it with an experience of mastery through action, instead. The book also includes routine/daily exercises designed to gradually release stored trauma,in similar ways, but on an ongoing basis. I did it/them in several sessions at an inpatient trauma center in Tennessee. It was vastly effective for many. They only allowed me to do it on a very limited basis, however, so I can't really vouch from personal experience---seems the combination of being 6'4" and having the degree of stored trauma that I do makes people a little uneasy at the prospect of having you turn it loose uncontrollably. They called in several counselors and the supervisor, and the male group members stood around me and held me in the chair while I struggled violently to break free. Doesn't seem as though it's as likely to result in a "discharge", though. Not as much range of motion, after all, so therefore less muscle involvement. I've just gotten the book, myself, and will be starting on the exercises shortly.

Interestingly, my gut arrived at the same conclusion when I was in my late teens. I would go into the woods with a bat, and beat a tree until I was exhausted. Levine is becoming more and more recognized as a primary voice in the trauma movement. Maybe worth a look.