Triggered In Public

[samson]

Hi all. I have been in therapy for 1 year now. Happy anniversary. :) I have had different levels of flashbacks, nightmares and triggers throughout my emdr process. I have not suffered much with these things since starting on Zoloft in November of last year. My therapy has been progressing nicely and we have really made some progress through the old memories.

Most of my flashbacks take place in the early morning as I am waking up. I have not experienced anything like that out in public. Until last night.

I went out with some friends to a cool restaurant. I was feeling a little off, but thought a night out would do me well, since my job has been really stressful lately. It started when I went to find the bathroom and realized as I was walking through the restaurant I was carefully looking at each table to see if my x-boyfriend was there. I don't remember ever doing this before, but I was afraid. I didn't see him. Went back to our table and ate with my friends.

In a little bit my friend (a guy) was joking that he never said he would pay for my dinner. We had spoken earlier on the phone and he did offer. I got so upset. The emotions were way over the top and I was flooded with memories of this x that used to say we we were going to do something and then act like he never said it. He would call and say - Let's go to the zoo. I would get very excited and when it was time for us to go - he either never showed up or acted like he never said it. I was with the sociopath for 2 years. I barely made it through the rest of the meal and once I got to my car had a complete melt down and mini-panic attack.

Then I felt like I ruined everyone's evening. Poor crazy samson.

I came home and took sleeping meds to go to sleep. Today I was a bit shaky in the morning and did some grounding work. I did call and leave my T a message - just so he knows it happened. I told him there was no need to call me back.

I just needed to get this out to people who know how it feels. I'm so tired of this journey, but I'm afraid to quit.

Thanks for listening.

 

[safenow]

I so know what it's like to be triggered, or even have a flashback in public. I've been like this more years than I like to count.

One time, while eating in a restaurant, I heard a backfire of a car and ended up under the table. I was shaking so bad. It took a long while before I realized where I was. But since my ex-husband had shot up a gas station to try and kill me before, I couldn't be sure I safe, even when that marine joined me under the table with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

Other time, I was going to this place, and ran over a manhole cover. I rushed (in my wheelchair) to the side of building, as I thought it was a gun shot. It took awhile before I could ground and be safe enough to reach my destination.

One time, I was at work, and was concentrating on a project, and didn't notice that others where around my office. A woman came into my office and tossed her babies dirty nappy in my trash can. The smell of urine is one of my inner child's triggers, and since I had already been triggered the night before by someone trying to break into my apartment, I was under my desk in a flash. No one could get me to come out. They had to call a therapist to come get me out. I was terrified. I was also back in my childhood where all I knew was terror. Not a good place to be.

Hell, just yesterday, on my way to my therapist office, I heard someone drop something in the back of an empty truck, and had to reassure myself it wasn't a gun shot. The man who was pushing my chair confirmed it was not a gun shot. I've been nervous/anxious regarding a stalker from last year, and after getting several phone calls my anxiety level was very high.

When you said, "I was feeling a little off" that tells me you were probably already triggered before you got to the restaurant by something you ignored. I'm sure you normally don't look for your ex when you go out, do you? When more than one trigger is activated, we tend to do flashbacks. I hope you can find what is triggering you, so you and your therapist can work on a way to get rid of them.

It really sicks to be so scared of things that sound or look like other things.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

That was me tonight. Out at dinner with friends and family. And somehow the other women at the table started talking about the topic of sexual violation. I know I heard some of the describing. And then I knew my heart was pounding. I started looking back and forth for something to focus on so I could tune them out. The longer they spoke the higher my anxiety went. We ended up leaving very shortly after that. And by the time we got outside I was shaky. I just wanted to get into the car. Away from the restaurant. Away from the conversation. To silence.

 

[samson]

BlackbridRising,

I'm sorry that happened to you. I've had a rough week. On Friday I had a morning flashback that was so intense and intrusive that I called my therapist. His assistant called and said he wanted to see me at 3:30. Oy Vey. I was really just hoping for a phone call, but I'm really glad I went. It was a very honest and productive session. We did some more emdr on this memory and I finally got to some of the emotions that my young adult self needed to feel. It was really intense, but I can tell it really helped. We are not through this yet - but at least it's encouraging to make some progress.

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Are you seeing a therapist?

I'm sorry you've had a tough week. I can relate. Mine has been up and down. But that seems to be "normal" for me. I do have a therapist. She would like to see me twice a week and I'd be happy to. But she had to take on more clients due to changes in her office and she doesn't have the extra time.

I'm glad your session was a good one and that you got through some of the tough stuff and felt better. My healing seems like it's going to be a long slow process. I'm recently diagnosed with PTSD depression and anxiety. But it turns out I've had PTSD since I was very young and never realized that's what I was dealing with. And the depression is something I've dealt with before.

I think one of the hardest parts about my experience in the restaurant was I was feeling some frustration too. Two of the people know some of what I've been through and that I have PTSD as a result.

It's not their responsibility to know my triggers but at the moment I felt like I'm only a couple of months into therapy and I struggle frequently. So part of me wanted to just yell in shock asking them if they REALLY needed to be talking about that right then. I'm definitely going to discuss it with my therapist.

I hope you have a good weekend and a better week this week :).

 

[samson]

I know what you mean about your friends. This process can become so isolating. My friends will listen to me, but they really can't relate to what's happening so it leads to an awkward abrupt change of subject. I have basically stopped talking about it altogether. That just makes me feel more and more dependent on my Therapist. But, I suppose that's the way it should be.

I have a guy friend who has been my best friend for 10 years now. As I'm working through the trauma from my relationship with a sociopath (15 years ago), I'm starting to see how he has gotten the brunt of my flashbacks and such without me even realizing what was happening. He triggers me sometimes and has no idea. It has nothing to do with him.

I'm grateful to be able to recognize this most of the time now and try to ground myself before I say something hateful to him.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

He triggers me sometimes and has no idea. It has nothing to do with him.

I'm grateful to be able to recognize this most of the time now and try to ground myself before I say something hateful to him.

I know exactly what you mean. I have very similar experiences. It's incredibly frustrating for me. It's like a war in my head. To be able to catch myself and then to be able to stop myself. And stop from saying things. It's still pretty hard for me. I'm hoping it gets easier as I go through therapy. I guess in some ways it's a matter of practice.

 

[Footie freak]

I have also suffered with flashbacks in public. Mine is not down to sexual abuse or anything like that. I work for the emergency services and my trauma is work related. No matter what I do, my flashbacks are daily, sometime 2,3 or more a day. I do as much work as I can, but I don't know I'm having a flashback until I come out of it or someone tells me, which I find embarrassing on top of the stress of having the flashback. I am having counselling, but there are days I simply won't leave the house, I don't know ow much more of this I can take

 

[samson]

Footie Freak, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to work in a field that you are having flashbacks about. I work in a very safe environment with very few opportunities for triggers. It's a blessing to be able to lose myself in work as sort of a protection mechanism. I hope that you can make some progress with your therapy.

 

[safenow]

I get very anxious when I'm in an elevator. About 20-25 years ago, I was in an elevator during an earthquake. Now, when I'm in one, if it jolts suddenly, I am triggered, and it takes a while before I'm able to walk very well.

My last apartment complex had elevators that would break down on a regular basis. I've been stuck in one more than once. I was so happy to move. At the time, I didn't realize I was triggered, but I'd be a real bitch for a long while afterwards.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I know what you mean about your friends. This process can become so isolating.

Samson, thanks for posting your experience -- and to all who have shared. I've had flashbacks in public, but the first time I've ever had a full-blown flashback in front of my boss occured a few months ago, so bad that I was a little girl apologizing profusely and covering my crotch defensively. Luckily, my boss knows a bit about this stuff and is an ardent member of our Women's and Gender Studies department.

When you and others talk about isolation something clicked in me. I really am incredibly busy, as I'm sure we all are, but I really don't foster friendships or have lasting ones -- and I haven't ever since I started having flashbacks and flittering through intrusive thoughts. To complicate matters those intrusive memories take away from my concentration, which in turns makes it take me longer to accomplish daily job and household tasks. A vicious cycle that depletes time and determination to start and/or maintain friendships.

Your thread has given me great pause to think about how important it is to try to reconnect in spite of it all. Thank you.