Trouble Expressing Wants And Needs?

[Wastinglight]

And we are believing in the unconscious brain bulls•*t...
I think our unconscious brain can shut up and let us to live our life. So we need to fight with it.

Yes, exactly. Although I call it "Anxiety Brain" - as opposed to my (mostly) rational "Normal Brain". The voice of fear is insistent but nowadays I challenge it every time it pipes up. Gets tiring but it's work that has to be done. Otherwise I will always be like this.

 

[IrisL]

Is like we having a 3rd world war in our brain ^.^ and every each times is speaks we are having the battle.
But we meant to win that WWIII !!!! Because we know what the f•*^r doing!! We just can't do with ourselves to be blindfolded! We have to see and admit it what is doing.
Or more simplest way - see the TIME - the time line and give a huge massive F**k flag to the past! To is can't even stand it and it will just with fear screaming running away, but we grab the past tails and we smashed the hell out of it and show how strong we are!
We already win the past battle - we are living and try to get it out the poison which been fed with us in the past and we shall stop to feed our selves with that poison !and recognise we are can't be anything else just WINNERS
Is killing us and killing our surronders. And our present is more value then the past, so we shouldn't give any credit for it in the way how we doing it. By the past the value and the credit is ours! We worth to living, because we already proved - and that's the other thing we should recognise in ourselves.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The conversations we have about more intimate stuff are the ones that made me feel a bit sad and even a little unloved sometimes. We often have conversations where he pretty much refuses to tell me how he feels/wants (about me, usually). So I will say "Do you want me to come around tomorrow night?" And he'll say "If you want." And I'll say "Yeah, but do YOU want?" And he'll say "It's up to you." He just deflects. He has never EVER said that he wants me to come round. It kills me that I have never heard him say "I want to see you tonight". Or anything of the sort.

This is what concerns me. The truth is that it may not be a PTSD thing. There are LOTS of guys out there who will act like this who don't have PTSD simply because they're not all that into you. They just act sort of ambivalent about the whole thing. If you weren't there pushing the relationship forward, would he be calling you saying he wants to see you? I'd hesitate to assume that one day he's going to change and suddenly show that he WANTS you, telling you that he desires you, etc.

So while yes, this could possibly be related to PTSD, if someone couldn't even show me the basics of wanting me, they'd be gone. So that's sort of the danger in assuming that a "symptom" is a PTSD thing when it overlaps with normal people in society.

 

[Wastinglight]

This is what concerns me. The truth is that it may not be a PTSD thing. There are LOTS of guys out there who will act like this who don't have PTSD simply because they're not all that into you. They just act sort of ambivalent about the whole thing. If you weren't there pushing the relationship forward, would he be calling you saying he wants to see you? I'd hesitate to assume that one day he's going to change and suddenly show that he WANTS you, telling you that he desires you, etc.

He shows me in many ways that he wants me and loves me - he has no trouble showing this through his actions for the most part. And he does say "I love you". But in general, he seems to have trouble vocalising wants and needs. And he does invite me around, but he'll say something like "Come around tomorrow if you like" or "Are you staying over tonight?"

He does contact me unsolicited as often as I contact him - often more so. But yes, you're quite right. It may not be a strictly a PTSD thing. Someone close to him told me that his biggest issue is fear of commitment. Some of that will be to do with his past relationship experiences, but the PTSD and comorbid conditions are likely to be part of it too.

 

[gone]

I know for me @Wastinglight, i really don't know what I need or want, at least in realtime. I learned long ago that it felt better to not have any needs and wants than to have them unmet. That was/is intolerable. Underneath though I was/am boiling, only i don't know that in realtime either. Or if i do, it's rage at something off to the side, not the main issue.

 

[Mandy12]

I think with my guy it's more a case that he does actually know what he wants, but it's like he doesn't feel comfortable in being forthright about it. A lot of the time it feels like he's trying to keep me happy.

This actually is backfiring now, he says " remember you wanted it , not me". He is bailing out from every responsibility of making decisions together. For example we had spoken for about getting a dog. He knew I was looking at rescues and he had said yes to a dog so all was good to go, but I made the decision of which dog although I did ask his opinion and he said ok.

Now three years later we are splitting up but he has to take care of the dog while I do my basic training, he has known for years I will join service and he always supported 100% and swore he and the dog will be find together he will look after him.

Now he ist tying to bail out by saying you wanted the dog not me. He always does this. He swore two years he will speak to his therapist about our problems and gets us to therapy , lied that he had and asked me to be patient but nothing of course eventuated and he just says to me why Should he do it why not me.

He gaslights and does what he wants and pretends to be a nine year old boy everytime you try and get him to take responsibility of his actions.

I will not put up with this crap anymore and I'm leaving and I'm sure he is already hunting the next gf. To me he does not act like someone with ptsd but a person with Personality disorder. I have never witnessed him having a flashback or nightmares and he executes two jobs perfectly and I know he has exaggerated some of his symptoms such as drinking to the doc.

 

[shimmerz]

He gaslights and does what he wants

I am so sorry you are going through this.

As a person with PTSD, I realize I have limitations within a relationship. What you speak about is entirely different. PTSD does not make me lie, does not cause me to manipulate, nor does it give me the right to misrepresent myself. I have my issues but they are not about 'getting my own way' and hurting others while I attempt to attain that.

It sounds like you are making a good choice @Mandy12.