Trouble In Disclosing In Therapy Shame Shame Help

[sweepy923]

Hi, recently I have started disclosing csa to my therapist which whom I have a great connection with, here is the thing im in my forties first time in therapy, diagnosed bipolar, ptsd, borderline, ptsd.

My childhooh consisted of both physical , not too much, and multiple family member csa, any way, past is past. My problem of course is flashbacks ect... but the biggest is shame guilt anger and saying the words to describe the event, so its pretty much holding me back.

My therapist wants me to process these things by talking instead of writing it and handing it to her, I dont mind, but I cant say certain words related to csa , the only thing im comfortable saying is trauma, cant say the organs involved to describe stuff, cant even say the whole word c.s.a. cant even stand when she says it, to me those are dirty words.. also every time she says "im sorry that happened to you" I get so angry, I dont know why. Sorry for this long post, also I dissociate.

 

[Britt.f7]

I had to guess at what csa stood for. I hope I got it right. Childhood sexual abuse? Forgive me if I am wrong and if they are triggering. The more involved you are in therapy the easier it will get. It may take a short time, it may take a long time, but there may come a day you are less embarrassed(at least in therapy) to get the words out.

My mother was a nurse and, for the most part, used technical terms. However, whenever I used the words, people around me acted like they were dirty, especially my father. My mom didn't like me talking about stuff. I taught myself, over my teenage years to say the words, even in front of a mirror, and not be ashamed of them or myself. Especially my own body parts. I think I accomplished something middle ground, but an accomplishment is an accomplishment. I did these things by myself when no one was around. There are still some things tarnished, but I can talk. Actually it helps me to talk about the sexual organs in a more professional way. I would feel awkward any other way.

Thing is, it takes time. Give yourself time.

 

[sweepy923]

Thx for replying, yes you got it right, I dont get triggered if I see the words only if I hear them they makeme cringe.

 

[franciemarnie]

Please - if you are not ready - consider not saying the words yet. Someday, if you feel the organic rightness of it, then go ahead.

Some of us were forced to do things when young against our will. Doing that as an adult can be traumatic if you don't feel the rightness of it. Maybe ask her why she feels you must say them aloud now when you don't want to yet.

 

[sweepy923]

When I disclose, its at my own pace, she lets me say what I want, but I leave out so many parts that it does not make sense just because I cant say those words and I have a hard time finding substitue words that donf sound silly

 

[Britt.f7]

Sweepy, use whatever words you are comfortable with even if you have to make up new ones. My sister can't use the technical terms for any body parts.

 

[mytai]

@sweepy923 If you want to use code words, but still have your T understand then maybe pick the code words and hand her a note telling her what they are referring to?

Hey I might use this myself when my T and I get to that point. I struggle with the same thing (using proper terms), it completely holds me back from disclosing details because I feel humiliated saying it.

 

[Powder]

Sweepy, I'm not a therapist, but I don't think writing things down is such a bad thing to do as a step to take in the healing process. Sometimes it helps just to realize that we process certain parts of our brains when we write and other parts when we speak, and they overlap. I'm no expert, but sometimes ideas "sink in" better if I write or say them.

Sometimes I have said them over and over, but then I write them down, and "aha" I no longer feel the need to keep talking about it anymore. I don't know what happens in my brain. But I guess we have to work at our own pace, keep trying, and when it feels right, you just know.

 

[sweepy923]

Thanks muse, I also draw sometimes when I cant put into words like comic book style stick figure people.

 

[GingerAli]

I have wrote things down and given them to my therapist when they were far too triggering to tell them. I can't even think about talking about it without the panic rising up in me. But if I ever have a moment for whatever reason that I'm doing well, I write down what I can and either email or give it to them at my next session. My therapist encourages it. I am also a victim of CSA and this is the topic I have trouble talking about.

Please don't let your therapist push you too fast. A previous one did for me and it had detrimental consequences for me. You need to do things at a pace that you feel comfortable with. But keep in mind, that the healing will come with the revealing. (Ha! I'm a poet and didn't know it!)

 

[Powder]

Thank you for the idea of drawing. I've been wondering about how that has helped or accessed certain stuff that is stuck that words don't get at. I was hurt at such a young age; my T. says I was "pre-verbal" and that even if I had some words, I was still not thinking in word form much.

I'd be open to hearing more about how you draw and use it to process. You have my attention and I think it's going to be something I try over the holiday break. :) :)

 

[sweepy923]

Thank you muse, it just struck me one day, I love to read comic books, guess its my inner child, and one of my defense mechanisms in therapy when try to disclose csa is humor, we are working on that. Anyway, as I was into the comic book the characters became me and the perpetrators, so bam I decided to make one of the remembered events (of course not too much graphics) just enough to get the point across., into a comic book format, with captions above the characters , and objects of what I remembered.

it took me two days as I had to stop alot due to, anxiety, and intrusive memories, dissociation, but alot of negative energy was released onto that paper, my therapist said it wad powerful, we are still processing it.