Trouble Tapping Into The Feelings

[MissInvisible]

I'm pretty new to this site. Also pretty new to having actual memories of my abuse. I've suspected for a long time but have spent my entire adult life doing things to keep them stuffed away. I've had brief flashes, body memories, etc. About six months ago I restarted therapy with a new therapist. I've come to feel very safe with her and trust her. About a month ago I had my first "real" memory (by that I mean more than just a brief flash, with more detail), then another one this week. When I had the memories, I physically reacted (recoiling, shaking my head to get rid of the memory, feeling sick) and telling my T about it, I get really upset, sick to my stomach, and shaky. But other than that, I feel removed from the memory, detached. Does that mean it's not real, that I made it up??? I'm so terrified of false memories. Isn't there supposed to be a flood of emotion with returning memories of abuse??? It's like I can remove myself from it and become numb. Is that normal? :banghead: I'm SO tired of the "am I making it up/is this real" questions that torment me.

 

[EveHarrington]

False memories are VERY rare and when they do happen, they tend to be planted by someone else.

It's common to have memories but no feelings.

:hug:

 

[Enaila]

I have been having memories return now and then over the past few years. Sometimes they come in the form of a flashback. Many people, myself included, avoid feeling and this is cause a need for therapy. Every once in awhile I will start to feel some emotion, but I still stuff it fast.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

It doesn't mean they're false memories, a lot of people have what you describe when they remember. It took me a while before I was crying lots about the memories. Your emotions may be frozen in time which is actually quite common with trauma Link Removed it's our body's way of protecting us. Beautiful avatar and welcome to the site, I hope you find it as helpful as I have :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Isn't there supposed to be a flood of emotion with returning memories of abuse???

Not necessarily. I'm trying to think whether any of mine have come with a flood of emotion. Maybe a few times. Mostly there will be a physical reaction like you describe, and often some crying, but not a real flood of emotion, no. Then after I remember there will still be a sense of unreality when I think about what I remembered. It never feels the same as the memory of something I never forgot in the first place.

What you are describing is pretty typical I think. Fully integrating recovered memories takes time. There are lots of threads here started by people asking basically the same question. If you search, you will find lots of validation.

Welcome, and all the best on your healing journey.

 

[MissInvisible]

Thank you so much! It's incredible how helpful it is to hear from people who have been there!!!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Yes, been there and am there. What you're describing is completely normal for PTSD. Not fun in any way. Very painful and even frightening, but normal.

Are you supposed to be feeling emotion? I don't think there is a "supposed to be" at all. Everyone responds differently even if there a lot of common denominators.

Don't ever doubt the reality of what's coming out. A good therapist will work with you on that. It sounds like you're in good hands. Having someone to walk with you is so important. She'll help you develop skills to help cope with these flashbacks.

In the meantime, welcome aboard. It's very true that you can find a lot of threads about this. You are most definitely not alone.