Trust And Future Mother-in-law

[ashdawn8287]

Yes I agree with Solara too. I understand it will just keep on replaying. If he doesn't stand up to her about this he won't with our kids, but I sure as heck will, but I sure as heck don't want to be the only one doing that either.

His friend is here and today I am exhausted, but I am going to read him this thread when I get my energy back and I am not as upset. I really am thinking about giving him an ultimatum with therapy. He either needs to come with me to mine, which he has done before or find his own because with my crap I cannot handle both of our issues. He doesn't take on anything with my crap because I have so many outlets I don't nor do I want him to do that.

It is very annoying. My feelings towards him lately have not been positive and I hate that.

 

[DMerish]

Ashdawn,

I'm wearing many hats right now: 1. as someone formally married to a guy that sided with his mom instead of me on a couple of similar issues, 2. as the mother of three adult sons (40, 38 and 29), 3. a mother-in-law (MIL) to two women whom I adore, 4. as a "sister-in-PTSD, and 5. as a friend . . . And I'm going to be very frank with my views/opinions.

Everyone steps on other's toes from time to time, but what has happened is beyond stepping on toes. It's an invasion of your personal privacy, completely inappropriate, and disrespectful to you and to your fiancé, your future MIL's own son! Unless your husband understands that invasive tactics or manipulative actions on your (maybe) MIL's part are not healthy, these matters can (probably will) threaten to tear your future marriage apart. Your fiancé saying it's between you and her essentially says he will not protect you, and that's screwy.

Your intention (I'm assuming, and his intention as well) is to make a life together - not with each other's family. The extended family are on the periphery. They need to stay there, or beyond. Since it's his family, and this matter is a serious one, at the very least he should be "on your side" supporting you in dealing with the situation. Likewise, with all decisions about how the two of you want to make the family together. Marriage is the ultimate letting go of one's parents - a clear milestone that illustrates you, him, them, are now all adults in your own right. And healthy adults know better than to pry into someone else's things; they know better than to use their children (for all kinds of things) including manipulating them as adults to feed a sick sense of entitlement, or take underhanded action in an attempt to undermine the future relationship between their child and his/her significant other!

I'm sorry. This type of crap get's me rather perturbed. I can only tell you what I'd do. I would attempt to help my fiancé understand the gravity of the situation and how his lack of support affects you. And, in essence, I would go very low contact with her now and into the future. She is not someone you can trust and she's invasive.

It's sometimes necessary to go no contact or low contact (NC or LC) with people. That's sad, especially when it's necessary with one's own family or the family of one's spouse. But it's necessary sometimes so that one can have a healthy individual relationship with one's self.

(((hugs)))
Drew

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you so much for your advice Drew.

I just said this to him, "I don't want them in my house, I want the key back that they have, I want to go no contact to low contact, and I want your support. Just because you will support this decision of mine does not mean you have to do the same as far as contact goes, but it does mean that you will respect and support my decision and you have GOT to empathize with me and understand. Also, You do not have to answer to your mothers questions about getting the key back and you do not have to lie about Thursday because you can tell her I have another commitment and you do not have to explain this commitment. The commitment is a commitment I made to myself to take care of myself."

He seemed VERY annoyed. Very childish. I was like yeah that's not very supportive and I don't know why you are acting so annoyed with me when I am the one hurt and your mother is a snoop! I really cannot stand people who have issues like this. It is very frustrating. I do not have good feelings about him at all right now and I don't know if I can even get those feelings back. This is just proven to be yet another disappointment because he cannot handle anything.

Oh well, I am and will continue to take care of myself and I guess time will tell.

Also, I am scheduling an appointment for both of us with my therapist tomorrow.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Well he just opened up and explained how much of a distance he put between his parents for about 5 years. I didn't press further but I knew about the distance and I am assuming it is because of his fathers physical abuse, which he has only mentioned to me while drunk throughout the years. He doesn't drink anymore, we both just can't handle it stomach wise anymore. He said it took him awhile to get closer to them and he's finally at a good spot with them and doesn't want to complicate it.

I explained that we are all adults and if they can't handle asking for the key back because his mom is in the wrong, than that is wrong on their part and it should not be like that. I have a feeling she is going to guilt him into feeling bad and he will fall for it because he hates conflict that much. I said yeah it may cause tension but they will get over it and if they want to be distant because they can't accept being in the wrong then that is truly sad and not fair.

I explained that him worrying about how they will react more than how deep that cut me it will create ongoing tension with us. He said he didn't want that and he will get the key back tomorrow.

It is really sad he can't express himself to his patents. I can see how much that has affected him. It is sad that they make him feel this guilt and shame because of their own issues. He was like I didn't know my mom would do that. For the millionth time I told him it wasn't his fault. I told him it was puzzling that he could not see that all his mom ever talks about is gossip and other people and what she finds out about others. I was like babe just sit back and think about the conversations your mom has with us. I was like the way she talks about everyone around her imagine what the heck she is saying about us, I don't want the drama around me, her going through my personal belongings then going behind my back coming up with her own story tiu fit her drama movie life. It's not okay.

I explained the protecting me from his families issues and all that.

He understands and apologized for his initial reaction.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm so happy for you. That is a great outcome to the mishap that is going on.

Good for you for holding your ground and good for him for stopping and thinking this through. You both are well on your way to dealing with many more tricky situations in the future together.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you all for being here and giving me advice. I appreciate the help, support, encouragement, and acceptance and understanding of my feelings. I needed that today.

 

[Flyaway]

I am SO glad he is coming to his senses!!! There is just NO excuse for her behaviour!!! How DARE SHE?!?
Have you asked your fiancée to refrain from discussing your personal issues with her? She strikes me as the sort of person who would pretend to be asking after you out of concern, but really be getting the latest goss.

Damage control, ok... Firstly, I want to say that you have handled this SO well!

"I don't want them in my house, I want the key back that they have, I want to go no contact to low contact, and I want your support... Also, You do not have to answer to your mothers questions about getting the key back and you do not have to lie about Thursday because you can tell her I have another commitment and you do not have to explain this commitment. The commitment is a commitment I made to myself to take care of myself."

There is just so much strength, and clarity in your words... You really are amazing!

Back to damage control... I think once you have had a bit of time to self care and recover, talking with her would be effective. You need to let her know that your not intimidated by her... Her obnoxious behaviour will only get worst otherwise. You definitely don't deserve to put up with ignorant gossip after the nightmare you have gone through!!!

She knows how to manage her son, he will not ever be able to completely put her in her place. If you went to talk with her at some point with your fiancée to support you, and told her that her behaviour was inexcusable, that you are angry and hurt with the way she has treated you, that you have no intention of allowing her to have the key back, and that unless she actively earns back your trust you (don't see her being a significant part of your life? Or your children's lives?). Then I would state how she can earn back your trust - not ever speaking unkindly about you, coming to you if she wants to know something etc.

Chances are she won't change her behaviour, but at least it will be more obvious to your fiancée - and you will be able to say that you did everything you could to resolve the situation. So no one can say you didn't give her a second chance.

Believe me Ashley, these sort of people need to be stood up to- its not about revenge, it's about being firm and assertive. She needs to know from you that you won't allow her to walk all over you.

Also, I wouldn't ever let her see just how much you struggle at times. She is not someone you can trust to be vulnerable around!

Hope this helps!!! Sending positivity and love your way!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I recently told someone this, someone who felt bad about standing up to someone who is "fragile".

It's not about fighting, it's about fighting back for your basic rights that you are entitled to. If these people are so fragile, they shouldn't be creating these issues in the first place. You didn't create this situation----remember that! You are merely standing up for your rights! (I see this as a safety issue, and safety is right up there with food/shelter/water in terms of basic needs, ALL of which trump relationships in that without having our basic needs met, we have little ability to satisfy our higher needs, relationships being one of them. Whew, I hope this makes sense!

 

[rightkindofme]

Err, I'm not going to comment on the mother in law bit.

Gypped is a nasty racial term. It is a reference to the gypsies being liars and thieves. It is no better than saying you Jewed someone down to talk them into a lower price. Gypped is insulting the gypsies, or rather, the traditional Roma community.

I though you would like to know so that you can decide to say it or not knowing what it means.

 

[Philippa]

Hey ashdawn,

I'm sorry to hear this is what you came back from your holiday to find. I know the feeling though. My father did the same thing to me a couple of years ago. It sucks so much. It is a violation. It's akin to mind rape actually, as she violated your private thoughts...as did my father, to retrieve information in a very underhanded and sneaky, deceptive way...and she had not a care in the world or appreciation of how it would affect you.

It doesn't even sound as though she tried to hide the fact that she did rifle through your stuff...which is even more bizarre. It seems like she felt entitled to...but that might be my own projection, as my father definitely felt entitled to, even though he is an intensely private man himself and hated it when my brother went through his computer files...but does the same thing himself??

I would also suggest, as some other did, that you confront her, and let her know that it's not ok...by any stretch it is the furthest thing from ok and she had no right to do that. It's disrespectful, and I completely understand why you would lose respect for her. I lost all respect for my father, and there wasn't that much to lose...but now there is none...and he still claims I'm the one who destroyed the relationship. Doing what he did was the straw that broke the camels back for me, and I have not had contact with him since.

My guess is, she will not take any responsability for what she did. I would tell her anyway, for YOU. Telling us all here is one thing, and you know you will receive validation and support...but she really needs to be put in her place, pronto. Of course your fiance will defend her...she's his mother, and she uses that fact in a highly dishonorable way. It's a real fight you've got on your hands here ashdawn, and I can see how hard it must be to work through trust issues when you're surrounded by people who aren't trustworthy...but that seems to be a human epidemic.

I actually feel really mad right now. It's reminded me of when my father did the same thing, so I know how angry you must feel. How DARE she. How DARE he. There are just no words...

 

[DMerish]

Hi Ashdawn,

Several folks suggested either you or your fiancé confront straight on. I want to add my thoughts since you mentioned your fiancé having gone NC/LC for five years. In short, I wouldn't recommend it because (I believe) it would perpetuate more drama, and (I assume) you and your fiancé want to work towards having a stable relationship based on the mutual love and care for each other, first and foremost.

You and your fiancé are adults. You have the right to privacy in your home and relationship. You do not owe your parents or his parents anything, except respect (if it's warranted) and outward courtesy at the level you would provide any other adult.
Neither of you need to justify, argue, defend or explain wanting the key back, other than to say "we" (meaning, you and him) simply prefer giving a key to our place when the need arises. Repeat as necessary.

If she (or another family member) asks you or your fiancé directly at some point, either soon or at a later time, why you don't want her to have the key, simply say "We noticed one time that someone went through some of our stuff and didn't like it. Since then, we only to give out our key on an as needed basis."

Your future MIL has a natural affinity for your fiancé (her son) over you. By either of you confronting her directly, I believe it may set up a dynamic whereby she sees you as an interference in the relationship she has with him, i.e. "the enemy". That could motivate her to take action/talk with him and other family members, about you (or the two of you) thus continuing deceptive/manipulative, drama inducing tactics. Why feed that?

Moms can be a powerful force: if your fiancé learns how to handle his mom, it will strengthen him as a man and strengthen the relationship between you and him. And, she may come to respect him as a man (not just "her son") and feel pride in knowing that her son is a good husband and has made a solid relationship with you. When/If she comes to that, it will go a long way for her and you to have a healthy relationship.

Drew

 

[Flyaway]

If she (or another family member) asks you or your fiancé directly at some point, either soon or at a later time, why you don't want her to have the key, simply say "We noticed one time that someone went through some of our stuff and didn't like it. Since then, we only to give out our key on an as needed basis."

Your future MIL has a natural affinity for your fiancé (her son) over you. By either of you confronting her directly, I believe it may set up a dynamic whereby she sees you as an interference in the relationship she has with him, i.e. "the enemy". That could motivate her to take action/talk with him and other family members, about you (or the two of you) thus continuing deceptive/manipulative, drama inducing tactics. Why feed that?

You may be onto something here Drew! I really like what you have suggested Ashdawn and her fiancée say... Maybe 'we' is the way to go! I have learnt to be very independent, and do what I want even in a relationship (which has protected me, but isn't necessarily the best way) Maybe in this situation Ashdawn would be much better off handling the situation united with her fiancée.