Trying (and Failing) To Have A Healthy Sex Life

[Nyx]

Sometimes life can be a bitch, doesn't it? Seems like you have a pretty difficult situation there. Sorry to hear about your daughter...

I wouldn't say to work on your issues for anyone but yourself. Consider yourself worth the effort. And if you don't like being alone, I think you should look into options for yourself. Find groups you can join, or if you have time do voluntary work, it helps with the social life.

 

[Howard Beal]

Yes, it happens to me. It started when I got married; the honeymoon was ok survived that ok. Then one time still in the beginning, we "were close" and the flashbacks started to happen. I just had to stop, rolled over and cried. She wanted to know what was wrong. I told her what happened and I was molested as a kid. Really more upset than caring towards me she gave me a lecture about how I was weak and I wasn't a man, bla bla bla. That hit me so hard I swore I wouldn't tell anyone again.

Up to now I never Wang it and when I have to do it I just go dead inside, who knows what happens inside my heart and mind. Afterword I just feel so guilty for a couple of days and I go on. And the hole cycle repeats itself. I don't know if because of the stress/experience of the wifey thing I repress the images and feelings of the past. However most times I get a flashback or the "feelings" of being abused almost everyday at work, store, it just happens anytime, anyplace. That's when I get sad again and want to listen to my music and mope.

I am sorry, I really can only sympathize with you, I wish I had some answers for all of us.

<Edit by Nyx - please mind the typing and paragraph spacing>

 

[Samwell]

My wife is the first person I ever told about my abuse (besides my therapist). She is so patient, and understanding. But that can only go so far. We haven't had sex in over a year. There is so much guilt! I've had the most "flashbacks" with the person I love and trust the most. Because I was abused by the person I trusted the most as a child. I've been out of therapy for years, recently got a few books to read, and am planning on becoming the man my wife deserves. I also get that feeling of not being there during sex, like taking your mind to a new place. I wish everyone on this forum luck, as my wife always tells me "Honey, it wasn't your fault."

 

[kimberley dawn]

but anything approaching tenderness and I just want to run screaming, the whole thing feels so WRONG.

I am so there too. And as AngelkeeperJ says - better to be alone and "safe". Been on my oun since autumn 2000 and I intend to stay single. I got my dogs to keep me from being alone, I trust them.

 

[Lucycat]

I am so there too. And as AngelkeeperJ says - better to be alone and "safe". Been on my oun since autumn 2000 and I intend to stay single. I got my dogs to keep me from being alone, I trust them.

I think for those who want to be alone and are comfortable and happy with that, then it is fine. However I don't like the idea that people are alone because they have been forced to 'give up'. That they feel they are not 'worthy' of a relationship, that they are denying themselves some enjoyment in life today because of horrific past life experiences.

Please don't think I am belittling anything anybody has been through, or criticizing personal choices. I am not. I just want those who wish to have a healthy sex life not to give up trying. It is incredibly difficult, but others have made it and I seriously hope I will too. It is certainly improving.

 

[kimberley dawn]

I'm so happy for you if it's improving!

I have come to realize how some people really like sex, so I find it good to hear that you are working your way there. I quit b/c I have no reason not to. Dont want anything I dont need. I'm frigid I guess and that's all right by me :)

 

[Lisa]

For me, one of the problems is pressure. If I manage it the once, I feel I've 'signed up' to it and can never 'get out'. Totally illogical in some ways, but it's a real problem I can't seem to get past. The other issue is the anticipation of it 'turning nasty'. A lot of these kinds of issues come down to trust, and fear, I think. I think, with myself, the bigger issue is trusting myself. By the time I was a teenager and attempting relationships, I was so passive that I let a lot of things go on that I didn't want.

It was when my then-boyfriend, unexpectedly and out of nowhere, did something degrading. Frankly, if I'd simply said no or let the boyfriend know at the time that it wasn't what I wanted, then he probably wouldn't have done it. Or wouldn't have had the chance. But I felt entirely unable to say, or do, anything, and I knew at that point that he knew I wasn't making any choices. I wasn't going to object to anything. He was as disgusted with me as I was. I buried it in the back of my mind, and didn't think about, or remember it, for five years. I can't trust myself.

 

[anndeb]

Yep, it surely is hard to say 'no' sometimes, yet that is vitally important in sexual relationships, or any kind of relationships for that matter I think. Drawing boundaries has helped me tremendously, letting my partner know what I like and what I don't like has made us closer and happier in the long run. Every now and then he will ask me for one sided sex, stuff done 'just to please him', but I respectfully decline. I have spent too many years pleasing my partner at my own expense. Now I try to make sure we do things that give me as much pleasure as he gets and as a result we both are happy .. and not so say it is always easy, but well worth the work for me to have a satisfying, close relationship.

cheers to you BL!! and to all of you out there who struggle with this and find some success!