I hope this makes sense because I learned something that I find fairly astounding, if it is true, as per INFJ. But I am just too tired atm (I am sorry) to re-read everything. but it flips it a bit on it's head, and is a bit like what is closest is hardest to grasp.
First of all, I kind of laughed
@Nevermore saying phone or advice; I immediately cringed at the thought of every time I ever called or asked, lol. But not withstanding the truth in that, and ignoring projection, and how gross reaching out or need feels, I zeroed in on this:
I think Friday said it above about being cast in a role to serve another’s needs rather than seen as a whole person. It’s not comfy on the other end!
It’s nice to be appreciated, as long as you see her for the whole person she really is, with a whole life of her own and wants and needs of her own, rather than who you need her to be it’s all good.
^^ I agree, but I learned something shocking, re INFJ (I actually used to think there wasn't a lot of truth in it, that it was more like a game. But actually the truths are eerie). INFJ's actually are always the ones cast in the role of serving other's needs. Or, not so much cast but 'naturals' who know no other way. And when/ if they do express their needs, they indeed feel like they are not seen as a whole person, if expression of their needs is met with rejection.
I hope I'm not butchering this up, but they say INFJ type (and there are 4 subtypes I didn't learn about), has the ability, usually born from much neglect, to unconsciously and with ease identify and morph in to what others need, though they truly want to fulfill those needs and make others happy without personal gain. They are highly attuned to and focus on each person as if there was no one else (without trying to), and have great intuition which is almost always correct. Unfortunately, they also have lousy boundaries, specifically in terms of identifying their own emotions (too busy identifying others' emotions), and do not express their own needs, at least for a long while. So, need peace- here's a peacemaker. Feeling down? Here's a listening ear. Need support? Here is your cheerleader. Etc. What do you need- protection; safety; they will sense it and likely be able to provide it. Yet, being very sensitive, they don't want to hurt others, even when they leave. They truly don't wish harm or revenge. So when they go (and sometimes for a while when they stay) it's without much lost feelings, which makes them appear cold. Yet, it is only for their own protection because of hurt.
The controversial part is, none of this is contrived, it is very authentic, and both parties are at fault. By this explanation, the INFJ unconsciously fulfills the other person's needs (perhaps in this case she longs for a daughter?), but equally the INFJ by not expressing their own needs until late in the game (wherein the INFJ is seen as cold and the other person is seen as selfish +/or uncaring) co-creates the problem, and therefore can't default to just calling the other person uncaring. This usually ends in ghosting, or more likely an INFJ slam-the-door-shut, wherein the INFJ is left emotionless, as they feel hurt, and the other person thinks they were not a caring soul and it seems out of character.
They said this applies to all relationships: familial, romantic, friends, acquaintances and work colleagues.
I have to say it was the only time I ever related to an explanation of ghosting. And I am ashamed to admit years after the fact, "You are dead to me" slid off my lips once much to my surprise and chagrin.
equal relationships are always the best!
^^ I agree they are, too. But they said this is the problem: in
@Overcoming 's post, they would say as an INFJ she is fulfilling the role not just because of her needs but also the woman's, that the dynamic exists as it does because Overcoming as an unintended-chameleon sensed what the woman needs and provided it. And if Overcoming expresses her needs, the older woman, who no longer has only her needs at the forefront and has not considered Overcoming's in the past because she doesn't express them, will see this as out of character for Overcoming. Meanwhile, Overcoming will be left to feel deceived, as the woman's shows of caring only really reflected how she felt if she was receiving the care and having her needs met, but not returning them (since with poor boundaries= no expression of needs). So only if both people can honor each other's truth and want to fulfill each other's needs, will there ever be equality, regardless of age difference.
And actually, it is true in the way that the one with the greater age always has the advantage of years. And just as you said
@Nevermore , people of similar age relate. Like, I heard a cute joke, "A man's son says what was it like when you were a child? So the dad takes away his son's phone, unplugs the Internet and tells him to go outside and play til the street lights go on". Those of us of a certain age will understand that one.
But of course it begs the question then, what was this woman getting from this, or where do they relate? We know only what fears Overcoming has expressed, but not what the older woman thinks.
Hope that makes sense, it's hard to explain in words. However, it got me thinking because so many people said, "I am INFJ" in their responses, and it's supposed to be about 1/10000 people. Even 3 having experiences to weigh in would be a probability of 1 in a million identifying as INFJ, weighing in.
)), and the potential results. 
