Sufferer Trying To Figure Out Who I Am At 40

[hippieatheart]

Hi all. I think I have ptsd. I haven't been to a therapist yet but my primary care doctor thinks I do.

One year ago I left my husband of 20 years because he was very emotionally verbally mentally abusive. He never laid his hands on me although he punched the wall next to my head a few times.

2 months after I left him he put a gun in my face and tried to kill and rape me. He was unsuccessful but he shot and killed himself as he stood above me and landed on top of me. My adult child(his son also) threatened to kill me the day after.

I will never forget the sound of the gunshot the smells and the sight of the blood pouring from his head. They are still so vivid a year later.

I've only had 5 nightmares in the past year. They are always the same. The setting might be different but he is always hunting me down and trying to kill me. He finds me and I escape only to be found again immediately and fight for my life all over again. It will happen in rapid sequence over and over until I wake.

When I do wake I know I am in my own bedroom but the atmosphere, the air itself feels of violence hate and fear. Everything that I felt exactly that night is present in my room except for the visuals. It will take several hours for the feelings to go away.

I had anxiety before but now it is 100 times worse. It effects me everyday and it is keeping me from moving forward in my life.

I worked in the medical field in surgery in a trauma hospital for 14 years and have seen so many lives devastated by violence but I dint know how to continue on with mine

I feel very alone overwhelmed and defeated. I don't know how to move past this. I would love to see a therapist but the anxiety and fear is getting in the way.

Anyways I will answer any questions and I hope that wasn't to long for an introduction

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Hello Hippie. Yes, you most definitely do have some form of stress illness. I don't see how anyone could go through all that bs and not.

 

[intothelight]

@hippieatheart Welcome to the forum! :)

If possible, find a good trauma therapist as they are invaluable when it comes to working through PTSD. I also hope you find this site helpful as your work on healing.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[KwanYingirl]

@hippieatheart I like your username. Namaste. Welcome to the forum. You have a great possibility of having a stress disorder. Your anxiety is most likely an overdose of adrenaline coursing through your body in response to your traumatic memories. Help is available. I've had three different therapists due to my move and their moves. My current therapist is a trauma specialist, and although I liked my previous therapists, they didn't have the training to treat trauma like my current one does. I've made a lot of progress with him and my anxiety is no longer ruling my life. I've had a boatload of trauma, one being an abusive partner. I don't know how I got out alive. And your son? What's with him? Is he still harassing you? I have trouble with my grown son too. All I can say is thank god you're alive and you need a good therapist and I recommend energy work like a Reiki or acupuncture or somatic body energy work. I've recently met a Shaman who I'm going to work with to reclaim my soul. The cornerstone, though, is a good therapist. Maybe a visit to a shrink for possible meds to help you. I know how debilitating anxiety is, but truly you can, and deserve, to get better.

 

[hippieatheart]

Thank you everyone for your responses and your understanding

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Welcome to the forum x I just feel so sad for you x I wish I could help you but unfortunately I have so many traumas I'm trying to deal with. I hope and pray that you recieve so much support here. In my prayers always x

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome to the forum. There is great support here.

 

[hippieatheart]

I am still struggling so much in dealing with what happened to me. In response to kwanygirl (I hope I spelled that right) no my oldest son is not harassing me any more. I think it was his natural response to the terrifying experience of having his dad attack his mom and then kill himself. In a way it was an extreme response to the situation but in a way it was a natural response. I can only imagine the horrifying effect it's had on him.

But I thought I'd share that even though I have a long ass way to go towards healing. Today was a good day :happy: