Trying to find healing

[Deleted member 53709]

Dear Diary,

What a day,
What a week,
What a month,
What a season,
What a year,
What a life.

I truly hope I can heal from all of this, it feels so unfair, sorrowful and of course, oh so painful.

Please, whatever is out there, let me heal. Its not courage or willingness to face it all that is missing from me.

Please allow me to heal
Thank you in advance

 

[Deleted member 53709]

One of the thing that scares me the most when i get in a huge flashback is the idea that my neighbour could go knocking on my door, because i make too much noise (although i try to be as discrete as possible)<
or for any other reason

You have to know that last year I had a bad encounter with her. I was coming back from therapy and she violated my boundaries big time, dragging me almost literally into her appartment to complain about a multitude of prblematic things going on there. It was so horrible. I had this fluffy heart keychain thing in my hand, the rubber actually broke because I must have tightening my grip on it so badly.

This is something that has happened quite a lot in my life, people just pick me up, so to speak, and drag me into their personnal stuff, problems. Like i'm their goddamn private therapist. Like I'm just there to collect and absorb their own tragedies. Like I'm not a person. Like I don't exist. Just there to be filled with whatever. They pray, most likely unconsciously, on my weakness, my fatal flaw if you will. Like a vase that has been broken, they sense the cracks and want to come rushing in. It's disheartening, and oh so painful. Also sucks the faith right out of you. And ultimately it does stieal your life.

'kay, that's it for now, my brain is hurting like hell

Bottom line is i'm affraid my neighbour is going to "discover" me in this state and take advantage of me, use this extremly vulnerable state to hurt me, invade me, and then what??
Then I will die.
Or go into psychosis because I can't take the situation anymore.
Wait...
Like...
...last year??

mmh yep sounds like trauma doesn't it, we've come full circle *facepalm*

 

[Adobe]

It is a process. Wherever you are right now be there and attend to it. You will get the wisdom you need as you reach out for the knowledge and skills. Also finding wise warriors to walk with you. Don’t look ahead to the future. Healing comes in daily doses. Your desire for wholeness will lead you. Don’t play around in the same puddle. Remember what you learned and move on. I do a lot of art. Each day is a new day… a blank canvas. Keep up your prayers as well as the wisdom and knowledge you have gained. You will move into healing then feel like you are at a standstill. Just keep moving forward. Eat the meat and leave the bones. Not everything applies to you. Accept what does and put the rest on a shelf. Life for today is the destination. Keep a journal. One last thing. Work on saying “no” I don’t have time to visit. “. Boundaries are uncomfortable at first. You probably are an open kind person and people sense that openness. We are the ones who need to take control of who we let into our lives. People can drain you dry if you don’t.

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Difficult tonight
Ive got lot of pain in my legs. I'm affraid i've been disabled by what happened to me and that I will never be able to feel free and warm and happy again.
In fact I don't even want to be happy. I Just want to lie in this puddle of pain & sorrow, it feels like the only truth, the only real thing. It's where I died, I don't want to leave it. I can't. I love it. It needs care and love

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I just hope it's not too late for me.
To live, to create, to love
so much beautiful things to express in this world
I just want to be able to do that
that's all I wish for


Sometimes I feel like the killed me back there

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I have found a kind, genuine, empathic psychologist. Person centered approach.

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Just the struggle to find him omg.
I ve had wishy-washy therapist ending things after 5 sessions
One that revealed herself to have worked in the very facility that locked me up and immediately tried to hammer into my brain that i was mentally ill, needed to gobble up drugs for life They do love their mind numbing drugs
Then another one, some manager of a trauma center, who, whatever i said, just kept getting everything back to sexuality and sexual abuse. Which wasnt even why i was there. Extremly retraumatizing.

Then theres the psychiatrist i had for 4 years. My goodness. So much pain from it all

I guess i could probably congratulate myself on getting through all of thzt but really right now it feels like ive been battered by it all. Self-esteem, self-image, hope, faith, all gone

*Long sad sigh*

 

[Weemie]

(Sorry I don't have much to say ss I'm currently in hospital but just wanted you to know I'm reading along and this is a great start to your diary!)

 

[Deleted member 53709]

(Sorry I don't have much to say ss I'm currently in hospital but just wanted you to know I'm reading along and this is a great start to your diary!)

thank you! Glad someone is reading

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I think im reexperiencing that moment, 4 years ago (my god :( ), at the er, when i was coerced into going in a padded cell, and i was losing my mind, feeling like lava pourring out of my brain. I then drank that one bottle of water that was there. I though i had just swallowed poison and that people were going to rape me soon.
I laid down on the mattress on the floor, and that's all i remember from that moment of psychosis/psychiatric intervention.

I still experience this feeling pf chrmicals in my throat, whole body hot, scared, dehydrated.

I took a xanax an hour ago so it will dissolve soon

Breathing, lying on my couch now

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I think the fact that i can define that moment, being able to know what i felt more, is an improvment.

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Im really angry at the psychiatrist that 'treated me' during all these years. Just throwing numbing drugs at me. I dont call this health and it is revolting whzt they can get away with.
Guess thats what happens when society allow your voodoo/bpgus science to pass as a respectable profession.
I am beyond disgusted

So.much.pain