Trying to find healing

[Deleted member 53709]

think i triggered myself somehow
Now i feel like my nervous system is 'stuck', like the stress and anxiety feelings suddenly gets too high and i'm just stuck in pain, shock. headache so bad. I took a valium dose so it should dissipate soon.

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Dear diary,

tonight was hard
But i'm here

 

[Deleted member 53709]

i got trigerred into that same event again.
That night I was brought to the ER, against my will, delivered into it by my own father
very long story short, this destroyed me
But this wasnt the first time
It happened in 2019
the first time was in 2017
then last year, something similar happened too. But not exactly. Gosh it's a long story; I basically got born in an abusive environment, things piled up all my life, unti li got in extreme situations, then my mind broke. Then the psychiatric system picked me up and from there it was a whole another horror show. Of drugging, bogus diagnosis, denying me freedom, of mind, of self.
God I don't even know how I am still alive, mind still kicking and not giving in to all the holes people have tried to put me in. My therapist said I was basically a miracle for surviving lol. twice. ANd i've just seen him for a couple of months. So many more crazy shit to unpack with him. Good lord.


I have no idea if writing this here is helping at all to be honest, is it just reactivating the trauma?
You know what I am going to try it this way and we'll see

alright

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I added this but the edit time was gone. Guess I have things to say after all.

Ah, Nirvana's Lithium song is playing, i've got a whoooole personnal story about that <3 Maybe later.
Actually right now.
See, that asshole of psychiatrist was going to cement my diagnosis, identity and role in this society by locking me into lithium. The thing with lithium is that you need to do bloodwork often, that the psychiatrist will check. So I was stuck. It wasnt like other drugs that I could fake taking. I think in a way it was such a symbol of my enslavment, oppression, destruction of everything i was, whatever you want to name it, that it just cracked something in me. Anyway. THat's about that time that I started to relate to Nirvana, which was always in the background of my life before that. But that song, lithium, especially the Paradiso performance, that is faster, on a upper key, and even more the insane distorsion on Kurt's voice during the chorus, how to word this... It was like the perfect opposite of the smoothing, clean, unalive, glass-like effect of what I imagine lithium to cause. So he was shouting my own resistance, speaking my own silenced voice, my own half-buried feelings I could not let out because of the situation. Still a fan to this day.

So yeah,

I'm so happy cause today I found my friends, thy're in my head ^_^

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Need to briefly rant about something :

My god, i cannot take a f*cking break
how is it possible that i have put so much effort in so many things and people claiming to be my friend, to love, are so.goddamn.f*cking.clueless
and hurtful
over and over again
HOW ON EARTH IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE SO f*ckING DUMB
and to think you are right on top of it all

the result is that i am all alone, flashbacky all over my house because f*ckING WHITE WALLS, and trying to coreect/let out/resolve the feeling this IDIOT has triggered
so.f*cking.careless

Okay, that is it
I need to eat
and play catch up as usual with all the basic necessary things like toilet paper, cat litter etc because ive got NOBODY TO HELP ME, only IDIOTS that sets me back

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[Aprilshowers]

You said in an earlier post that you journal and do art. Great! When I was at my very worst of my emotional and physical battles art and journaling were two of the best tools in my coping toolbox. They helped me sort through and process the chaotic thoughts and memories in my head and quiet the noise in my brain. They gave me ownership over something I felt was mine. Since I often had gaps in my memory, suffered from repression, and struggled from flashbacks that were here one day and gone the next, they helped me gain some control over those fleeting thoughts and memories. Some of the art work from back then is disturbing and chilling - better in chalks and paints than acting it out in real life.

Like you, I also had HORRIBLE experiences with psychiatric professionals, counselors, and inpatient hospitalizations. I wrote about a few in my diary here. My neurologists told me one of those adventures in malpractice gave me "PTSD on top of PTSD." It took time and a vow to never again have anything to do with therapists or psych people, but I eventually found my way. It took getting off of all my psych and pain meds, something I am definitely NOT recommending to you. I suffer from a long list of diagnoses and when I made this decision I did it with the assistance and approval of a competent physician who had been treating me for 15 years. It took completely cutting myself off from my birth family and all the toxic people in my life. It took time and work and patience. We are all wired different. Our trauma stories are all different. Therapy and drugs work great for some people, but for some of us they don't.

Even though I have come so far and have healed so much there are days that I still spiral into despair and a chronic pain flare - BUT I am never that broken, shattered, suicidal pathetic girl I once was. Use this forum to reach out and make friends. If anyone understands what you are going through, we do. Ask questions. Vent. Cry. People are reading even if they don't respond. Trust us. Give yourself some grace. Practice a lot of self care. It's really hard, but try really hard to love yourself...if that's too hard start with liking yourself. You've got to start somewhere.

 

[Deleted member 53709]

My f*cking mother sent me a text saying shes in a 'control hypomanic state' and wants to help me lol
Nevermind that she harassed me horribly for a whole year back in 2018, which lead me to anither psychotic break and another level of trauma i never knew possible
Sometimes i marvel of how deep the hatred and the abuse in this life can go
It is endless
Anyway, i received that text the next day after i saw and talked to my psu jologist anout difficult things
8 am sharp next day 'im hypomanic lol' ITS LIKE I CANT TAKE A f*ckING BREAK AND LIFE IS TRYING TO END ME

Jesus f*cking christ
As you can imagine it piled up with aaaall the f*cking things thzt are baaaaarely under control and i am destroyed
Ish
Again

f*ck you 'mom' just f*ck yoy

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Anyway, i put severe boundaries and told that bitch to leave me alone. Not killing me this time again slut

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I dont know if im going to make it tonight

 

[Deleted member 53709]

Think getting here was a mistake so im gonna head out. Bye.

 

[Deleted member 53709]

I'll never understand why things in this life/society have to be so harsh. Or more exactly why do PEOPLE have to make things so harsh and ugly all the time. Are people in general so thick in the head that you need to constantly beat them into submission to make them understand anything?? All my life its been the same f*cking thing, people being so harsh to 'instruct' me and f*cking me up so much further. Guess people are just hyposensitive dummy who need to be coerced into anything really. What the hell am i foing on this planet? Am obviously in a backward, neanderthal place. Assholes.