Trying to reduce the maladaptive coping tool of self contempt

[desiderata310]

I think you should post that in the US politics thread too. It's brilliant

I think, instead of dropping that in the middle of the thread (which is a million miles from being able to talk about this) I'll just start another one, when I have a little more brain power.

 

[zoie33]

Yep, sounds like my last 3 sessions. I know it's twisted but somehow me taking the blame for all of the abuse gives me more control of the situation. It makes me feel better about it and it is what allowed me to survive and accept the abuse. It is not the right way but it's what seemed to work as a kid. On the other hand it makes me hate myself for allowing the abuse to happen. If it's my fault why did I let that happen what the hell is wrong with me? I go back and forth. I want to be mad at my abusers but instead I end up being mad at myself. I really wish I knew how to escape this personal hell.

 

[Teasel]

Another one that can relate. And thanks all for the excellent information.

So would it be a reasonable conclusion to say hopes and expectations of succeeding should be reduced?

 

[Tinyflame]

no that's doesn't cause people to become abusers. That doesn't make it you deserving of the way you have been treated.

This is true for abuse, as a child or adult, it just doesn't feel like it (for myself).

Then the current day to day interferes. For example, I realize (for myself) I only feel 'allowed' to speak or ask or whatever, after everyone else is finished. And that the others have rights or worth, whereas I don't. But the longer I wait the less I trust or feel any right to speak at all, or feel I'm simply being tolerated without others' choice. Then I'm wondering why I'm even bothering, or more specifically feel badly about myself (a burden), and foolish (what's the point.) So it can also be self-defeating I guess because both my self as a person (presence) and my thoughts or words (what I feel, think, or struggles/ worries) seem to be burdensome so I question my presence at all.

Then there is the somatic. My sister for example told me my voice is 'grating'... despite not trying to I notice now I lose my voice talking to her now, it's all I can do to get it to have any volume or words out, like extreme dehydration. Can't control it.

And then there's the self-questioning. If this feels so harmful or confirmation of how useless or bothersome or burdensome I am, how can it be helpful or healing?

So it's the past, the present, even bears on the future (tomorrow). I don't really have an answer but @Friday @shimmerz @ladee and others have all touched on parts I relate to. Is it a tool for survival? Idk.

Hope this makes sense.

Hugs to you @Justmehere :hug::hug:

ETA, I suppose having needed to 'read' others and their emotions & body language and reactions in minutiae in relation to self and others was needed for survival and decision making, and also discerning the truth and protection, also for safety. Not what I would call emotional reasoning based on distortions or emotional dysregulation but rather based on experience, necessity and adaptation. And becoming very good at it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought of something, as relates to self-contempt and coping: when it comes to abuse, in all it's forms (and especially when in the guise of something 'non-violent'), I think it becomes hard to default 'who' or what is to blame.. them? One's self, by default, if not them? Both?

For example, as I said above with my sister (and to be clear I'm not saying that comment is abusive, other situations have been), I can consider that her opinion- so much so however I wonder at times when I'm talking if others share that opinon, as I also know is she if often astute about others. She is also the only family I have, the only person who even remotely has my back or cares at all, and the closest (and only) thing I have or have had to a loving relationship. Without contempt of myself- albeit often brought on or exascerbated by my thoughts and feelings in response to her- what would be left, or where would I be? I realize the goodness and sanity in removing ourselves from toxic situations or from around toxic people, but JMHE and JMHO it's relative to what is left.

 

[barefoot]

Yes, I definitely relate. Agree that we're probably clinging to the self-blame to protect ourselves. How twisted is that?! I *know* all these things can't be my fault really. I *know* other people should really take the blame for what they did. But I just can't seem to let go of that "but I did something wrong", "but I made a mistake", "but I was stupid", "but, but, but..."
It's a tough internal conflict to hold.

 

[EveHarrington]

How did I miss this thread?

I could probably learn a lot!

I'll be back later.

:)

 

[Graeme henderson]

hi, I just read you're post and I can safely say I know how you feel. I currently suffer from complex ptsd from stuff that happened end in Afghanistan I live every day with regret and on several occasions have tried ending my own life due rot guilt. Kne thing I have learned is that people can't be forced to do evil they do it by choice. Never let youreself become you're own worst enemy, when your down pick youreself up and dust youreself off. For a career progression set youreself 3 realistic goals.

Goal 1: where will I be in 3 months time
Goal2: where do I want to be on 6month time
Goal3: where do I see myself in a year.(being Pablo Escobar doesn't count)

Write you're 3 goals down with the time frame and every morning you wake up look at these goals and take each day as a step towards them and in a year you will look back and go wow I did it because you wanted it.

 

[Mach123]

It took a few years for me to get a little space, for them (my therapists and the books) to convince me I had a condition that was real that caused my feelings of self loathing and the rest of the behavior. Now I actually believe it, I couldn't for the first few years. I couldn't separate myself from believing I was so bad, so at fault. I got little achievements and successes. They built up slowly and in spite of myself, I could not deny there was progress. The people around me believed it before I did. They were watching me change in spite of me trying not to. Trying not to get better. Then I started to get bigger signs, billboards. I would go through a situation and look back and think "I never could have done that, I would have been out of my mind." It adds up. My self inflicted harm is still operative, people can see it, but it's less. I have episodes where I lose control. I'm in it before I can think about it. Beating on the people around me is beating on me. Making people not like me is what I'm best at, I wish I could get paid for it, I'd be rolling in money.

 

[Graeme henderson]

I fully agree with what you're saying, today has been my biggest breakdown since Christmas and have told my partner who has been with me through attempts of taking my life hat I didn't want to be with her anymore as I feel as if is m no good for Asher or anyone around me. It's a horrible way of feeling but in my eyes I chose to take the queens shilling and have to live with the consequences, I am glad to hear you are getting help towards you getting out that vicious circle it's a horrible place to be.

 

[Didn’t know]

I've been confronted (with kindness) by several people lately on all the ways my self contempt shows...

Nuremberg,

I can relate to thinking I have the power to cause people to hurt me.
It just seems so unlikely that all of these people who hate me could be random. But that is my distortion. Others choose to behave as they do and those who do love me insist that I am not so horrid as to bring this upon myself. In fact i am often kind and too often willing to accept disdain from others.
I am working hard to change this distorted thinking and beginning to see some improvement in my self talk and beliefs. It takes a long time to change a habit if a life time but I plan to keep trying.
Keep going to therapy tour t sounds great.