FauxLiz
Sponsor
So, these pandemic times of isolation and physical distancing from other people along with other things triggered a maladaptive coping mechanism that I thought I had laid to rest. it is one that because of the sexual nature of it is difficult once triggered to just stop because the endorphin and dopamine release that comes from the anonymous cyber sexual interaction is no less real than if it were an in person interaction. I used to be able to turn to my running to give me the same natural "high" that I get from this coping mechanism and if I am honest from my other maladaptive mechanisms because they all center around altering brain chemicals either through pain, numbing them with alcohol or drugs, or a combination with pain and pleasure in sex.
Since I can't run safely any longer - I have had an ACL replaced, my achilies on the other leg repaired, the meniscus and PCL repaired, I have arthritis in both knees and calcium deposits/bumps in my hip joint, all of which means no running and I have not found any other form of exercise that gives me the mind-body connection that running gives me which fills that need.
I am trying to find a way helps me to work through this mechanism, that does so in a healthy way and doesn't impact other people negatively and I started thinking maybe I don't need to do this as a two-way conversation. What if instead of connecting with anonymous men on the internet I just wrote down how I thought the conversation would go from both perspectives. So I have been doing this for the past couple of days, holding off re-connecting to the men I had chatted it up with over the past few weeks and wrote our conversation down as a story.
Now I know this is where it gets a bit weirder (yes I know this is weird already) and maybe a little creepy I realized that what my "sexting stories" are is what is called an erotic short story. Now, it gets this stuff out of my head, it keeps me from seeking out an anonymous cyber hook-up, it would then keep me from potentially bringing that maladaptive hook-up into real life which is not only better for my mental health but in all honesty a lot safer for my physical health. And here is the thing, if I wanted, I could create a pen-name, self publish and maybe turn my bad habit into a second income, one that could maybe pay for additional therapy? or retreats that I have considered, pay off bills/debt, what ever that is if I actually made any money at it.
So the reason for this really long and weird post is I am wondering what others here think? I am going to talk to my T about this during our session tomorrow just to get his take on my writing the stories and whether that is better or worse than actually having the conversations. But it you had a chance to possibly take one of the many bad, crappy screwed up things that are the result of our traumas and maybe make something maybe not positive but not so negative out of it and earn some money would you?
Since I can't run safely any longer - I have had an ACL replaced, my achilies on the other leg repaired, the meniscus and PCL repaired, I have arthritis in both knees and calcium deposits/bumps in my hip joint, all of which means no running and I have not found any other form of exercise that gives me the mind-body connection that running gives me which fills that need.
I am trying to find a way helps me to work through this mechanism, that does so in a healthy way and doesn't impact other people negatively and I started thinking maybe I don't need to do this as a two-way conversation. What if instead of connecting with anonymous men on the internet I just wrote down how I thought the conversation would go from both perspectives. So I have been doing this for the past couple of days, holding off re-connecting to the men I had chatted it up with over the past few weeks and wrote our conversation down as a story.
Now I know this is where it gets a bit weirder (yes I know this is weird already) and maybe a little creepy I realized that what my "sexting stories" are is what is called an erotic short story. Now, it gets this stuff out of my head, it keeps me from seeking out an anonymous cyber hook-up, it would then keep me from potentially bringing that maladaptive hook-up into real life which is not only better for my mental health but in all honesty a lot safer for my physical health. And here is the thing, if I wanted, I could create a pen-name, self publish and maybe turn my bad habit into a second income, one that could maybe pay for additional therapy? or retreats that I have considered, pay off bills/debt, what ever that is if I actually made any money at it.
So the reason for this really long and weird post is I am wondering what others here think? I am going to talk to my T about this during our session tomorrow just to get his take on my writing the stories and whether that is better or worse than actually having the conversations. But it you had a chance to possibly take one of the many bad, crappy screwed up things that are the result of our traumas and maybe make something maybe not positive but not so negative out of it and earn some money would you?