Childhood Turning Anger Inward

[sun seeker]

I have expressed a lot of it in my books, which neither parent has ever read.

That sounds like a really excellent solution. It would also move the pain out of the right brain into the left as you write, which would make it more manageable. And you could write in the first person or the third, depending how close you wanted to feel to what happened. Hmm... I like that idea. My memory of a lot of my childhood is vague; I don't have big gaps like a lot of people describe but I was so dissociated for most of it, a lot of it is just foggy. Filling in how it might have been might be a really good exercise. Thanks for the idea!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was trying to write this last night but fell asleep doing so:

I self-harm when I feel the trauma or have memories, rather than put the anger where it should go.

This should NOT be rushed! Self Harming releasing endophines, the "feel good" chemical and yes, it becomes an addiction.

But rushing creates frustrarion toward yourself thus more self harming.

I spent about 4 yrs (1st year he didnt know why i was really there) with crossed arms scolding my therapist if he dared to say anything bad about my mom & step dad and 'the cult'...."how dare you, they were justified..." i was the "bad" one and still am in many ways, to me.

Do you have a therapisr? Trying to do this alone isnt a good idea

This stopped working for me in my early 20s (ive been a cutter since i was 8); try holding ice as long as long as you can. It hurts/stings but it doesnt cause harm. Something you can try. Also snapping a rubber band when you want to cut can help, i used to have one on my wrist at all times to snap.

Like I said, they stopped working for me but you arent me and the ice works for many SIer.

Either way, id def seek out a therapist.

 

[Brenton]

I was trying to write this last night but fell asleep doing so:



This should NOT be rushed!...

I do have a therapist, a good one, who knows how to handle me. I was a dysfunctional wreck when I started therapy; now I'm a functioning adult, even though I have flashbacks, anxiety, and occasional suicidal thoughts. I would have lost my mind without her. A good therapist is hard to find, and I found one. I'm a thick nut to crack, but I'm light years from where I was.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

'm a thick nut to crack, but I'm light years from where I was.

Join the club on this one...hey we can have our own club lol.

Im so glad you have an awesome therapist! My therapist too is amazing and i have no clue how he's put up with me for 7 yrs.

Here to the "Nut Club" :roflmao:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When people say 'red', what it looks like is just not what the majority sees; but you can't imagine red if you literally have never seen it. Your red is just different.

It's so hard.

This is SO weird!

My therapist and I were talking, this was well before the blame shift, maybe a year and a half to 2 yrs ago...he was trying to get me to see that what i was told (what i was saying was the 'programming' just echoing what they said) wasnt correct, it was just what they told me and i looked at a note book that was orange and i said that "you know that is orange because you were told that orange is orange, blue is blue, red is red etc. If you were taught that red is blue and blue is red thats how you would see the world...or if you've never seen orange before you wouldnt know what it was.

He said "that's true but then when everyone told me differently, then id see if differently or my view would start to change."

I said "true but i have no one to do that but myself [thus the internal fight with myself] and thats not working"

This is when he started to look for support for me. We tried a pastor whom stuck it out with me for a year before finally giving up.

He thought of CSA support groups (which are hard to get into by the way) and i did apply for one, the only one i could find locally that would possibly work, but it was on a day, at night, that i work. Not sure i would of be able to go w/ my extreme fear of people and not sure i would of liked it as they dont talk about their trauma at all, they focus on life after and i need to talk about it and counter it.

Then he found this site and thats how that happened.

My admin friend, when i said i see the sky green and grass blue, he said well the sky isnt blue, sometimes its white with clouds, gray, orange and purple with the sun setting or coming up. Well duh, that wasnt my point but i get his, black & white thinking...but thats not the point.

It is possible to counter what you grew up with it but it is DAMN HARD!

I generally default back to what i know, cuz its what i know, and my therapist says its natural to go back to what you know when out of your comfort zone, but the more you push at that comfort zone line, the further it moves. The more you counter what you grew up with and learn what red is, the more your brain learns that theres a possible color of red, its possible to exist.

Now i think im rambling into never never off topic lane so i'll shut up now lol....sorry. was just weird you said that and my therapist and i had that exact same convo.