ED Uncovered feelings causing anorexia lapse. panicking.

[Polly_pocket]

I'm so ashamed and scared about how much I have been struggling. A couple of weeks ago me and my therapist did a visualisation about an incident that happened to me 7 years ago. Doing so unlocked all of these feelings I didn't know I had and I've gone into tailspin. My therapist said she was worried about how I was because she didn't predict I would react like this. Neither did I.

This is incredibly bad timing because I was discharged from my day treatment centre (for anorexia) yesterday. I had been there 10 months and before that a more intensive day program for 11 months. Now I have nobody to answer to and no group support anymore. Just therapy once a week. Yesterday was a big deal and all of the staff told me how well I have done and how proud of me they are. My Keyworker told me she knows I won't relapse and the patients told me I was an inspiration to them. I've kept how much I've been struggling these last two weeks under wraps because I didn't want to let them down but now I'm alone with it all and I don't know what to do.

It's my first day out of day treatment and I have all of these plans about what to do next and I should be feeling excited but instead I'm down in the dumps and panicked. Most of today I couldn't even raise my head off the pillow because my blood sugar is too low and I keep blacking out. I don't want to relapse! I'd rather die than go back to where I was. But some of my traumas involved food and I'm having so many new feelings (such as anger how do people deal with anger?!) and I can just see myself getting worse and worse and I hate it.

Perhaps I'm being a bit melodramatic I don't know but seriously how do people cope on their own? I thought my ptsd was getting better but I seem to have found new levels.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now! Unfortunately sometimes symptoms get worse before they get better. And sometimes as everything else gets better, new symptoms pop up. It really does stink because we usually think of healing as getting better on the whole rather than certain things improving while other things get worse.

 

[Friday]

Your therapist may in all other ways be fantastic, but in this she's a complete idiot.

Of course first stressful thing that happens after 2 years of Anorexia treatment & all the pomp&circumstance of it coming to an end is going to kick up a lapse or relapse. Duh! It doesn't matter what it is/was, that's simply the first place your brain is going to go... To its favorite coping mechanism.

If you were an addict, it would be dealing with some fierce cravings. If you were an adrenaline junkie you'd be pushing the envelope. If you were... You get the point.

Do you have glucose candies? If not, try keeping a bag beside your bed, so that if / when you ever trip like this again, and literally can't get out of bed because your brain is starving, you can pop one in your mouth.

Lapsing happens. Doesn't have to turn into a relapse.

False starts happen. More often than not. Just because you tripped out the gate doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you're learning. And were possibly a little overconfident. Make use of your resources. Let them know you're struggling. No shame in things being harder than you thought they'd be. Honestly, pros tend to worry more about the people who are silent, that the people who go "Yikes!" They expect yikes! Silence usually equals pride. Which can bite you in your ass. Good on you for reaching out here.

 

[Polly_pocket]

Thank you. That is a helpful idea actually.(the candies). Nobody prepared me for the wobble post treatment they've just been going on and on about how happy they are with me. I was/am a good patient. I've changed so much in the last couple of years. I guess I just wanted everything to be good. I've got myself out of worse lapses than this before I am just so wound up because my ptsd has got worse as well and they're feeding into each other. (Again)

I just want to be fixed now. It's so frustrating. I have all of this rage towards my abusers which is a totally new to me and I guess I'm taking out in my food...on top of leaving treatment equals big trouble.

 

[Justmehere]

I really struggled when I left a more robust treatment center - but in my case, the staff told me it was normal and to be expected for Ptsd to struggle when stepping down support. The transition itself can be a trigger. I was so discouraged - but it got better, a lot better, over time.

Good job in all your hard work! I hope it gets easier for you soon. :hug:

 

[Chava]

Leaving treatment can be so overwhelming in itself (I've done inpatient and outpatient for anorexia and alcoholism). Don't be afraid to talk to someone who understands, because I know the isolation can make me feel more powerless. Can you connect with your therapist more? You can come on here. Also, the friends you had in treatment will NOT look down on your for struggling some. It is empowering to admit you are struggling but do NOT want to go back down that road. The honesty is strong. I've done this more with alcoholism and have been told I inspire others because I'm not afraid to admit I'm struggling....I keep getting it out there as a way to not deny that the struggle is there and get sucked down. You need extra support right now, wherever you feel like you can find helpful support.

What overwhelmed me post treatment was the eating (well, obviously), regardless of any other stress. It was just the first to go when stressed because it was still a default and I needed lots of strong practice taking care of myself. The meal plans, cooking, chewing, swallowing, feeling full, feeling hungry....all of it was overwhelming. Do you have a nutritionist? I've had a bunch of shitty ones, but I had a really great one last time around who helped me find ways to keep it manageable...like the Ensure when needed, smoothie ideas, food prep ideas that were underwhelming, and outlying the minimum nutrition I needed...no shaming me for not getting it perfect every minute.

If I had a bad day, it did not mean it was over. I could get back on track any moment, any day. And sometimes that meant doing something very simple, like Ensure or a smoothie. Swallowing and even feeling full was hard, so little meals but trying to stick to it and also know who I could talk to when overwhelmed was helpful. Sometimes I also just needed distractions, like watching something on t.v. while eating, drinking a smoothie while on the phone talking about work, anything. Just sitting down and facing food was hard sometimes so I totally allowed myself some distractions. If I couldn't physically eat, I'd set something aside, do something like go for a walk or call someone, and eat a little later.

I got a lot more into artwork after my last treatment. Finding new outlets and distractions for the stress can lead to new joys at some point too, but it's really a difficult process at first, especially when it feels like you don't have a lot of new tools yet. You have been doing good work and you'll get there. Struggling doesn't mean you aren't good at recovery. Recovery is hard for all of us, especially initially leaving the hospital.

Hang in there!! I think you are very strong for recognizing how hard it is right now and reaching out for extra support!

 

[Polly_pocket]

I don't have a dietician no. I also don't have much control over my meals or meal times because of a complicated situation at home (I'm not allowed in the kitchen, my mum makes stuff for me but timings are dependant on my brother who has special needs). Which makes it extra difficult because I have to try and explain to her what I need and sometimes that changes and sometimes I don't even know what I can manage. But the smoothie/milkshake idea is good. Losing weight or having strange blood sugar is really bad for me. I go 'crazy' pretty quickly. Have very strange thoughts.

Thank you for the kind words and the encouragement that it is normal to struggle post treatment. As I said I was expecting to be excited and happy. Right now I just wish I could be baby sat! Which is kinda pathetic but really all I want is to be in a safe place with someone to talk to me and comfort me and bring me easy food and help me eat it. Treat me like I have flu or something!

 

[joeylittle]

Right now I just wish I could be baby sat!

I remember feeling this way, every time I've finished a day program. I was never involved with one as long as you, but I do know the feeling. Try to not judge yourself too harshly. Big, big changes are the most challenging times.

I don't know if they have them in the UK, but as @Chava mentioned, there are shelf-stable protein/glucose drinks here in the US (ensure is the most common brand) that are very easy to keep on hand as they don't require refrigeration. Also: can you perhaps talk with your mum about making you a "snack bowl"? Something you could have ready access to, with healthy things, that would tide you over when you are aware you are hungry and it's not time for your brother to eat? I'd think it would be good for you to have some autonomy in making your meal choices at this point in your therapy - but I don't know enough to know if that would be best for you, its just a suggestion.

Hang in. Thinking of you.

 

[Polly_pocket]

Thanking you muchly. 'Snack bowl' is a good idea. I might get myself some cereal bars too. I would love to have some autonomy, but it's not possible in this home situation. Me and my support worker are aiming to get me into supported housing in the next few months so that should be good if I'm accepted.

Ensure would be a useful thing, they used to give it to me in my previous daycare which was on an ip ward. But it is sooo expensive here in the uk. The cheapest I can find it for is £4 for one drink! Guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and find real food that is equally manageable.

 

[joeylittle]

Sometimes there are shelf-stable "meal replacement" or "protein" drinks that are the same formulation as ensure, just marketed to a different audience (and therefore less expensive). Cereal bars are a great idea. Just start making a list, keep it handy so you can add things to it as they come to you, and that's great about your support worker. Sending you good thoughts!

 

[Chava]

I think it's really great that you are noticing what not eating does, like makes you feel "crazy" or less in control at this point. that's good awareness. My panic attacks became much less scary when I started eating normally. and that was a great reinforcer. Keep up the good awareness!

"Normal" food is the best of course, but I seriously still can't eat huge meals and get all adequate nutrition (I do eat normal amount of calories though, just can't always eat a big full plate of food). I use things like smoothies as added to other meal things, or alone in the afternoon if I'm getting sluggish. You can look up all kinds of fun recipes...like milk with frozen blueberries, banana, cinnamon, vanilla protein powder). I just avoid soy protein powder because of my hormone issues. But you can do cheaper alternatives to Ensure. Protein powders aren't super cheap but added to milk, juice, tea smoothies, etc, they are much cheaper. Helps me keep up protein needs, especially when overwhelmed and not planning perfect meals. It is also a way to be autonomous and creative and enjoy my food a little better. I invent my own concoctions. Coconut oil can be melted in a little pan, and if you like coconut, it's lovely in a smoothie (and a very healthy oil, flax oil too). And like I said, this doesn't replace eating regular meals for me, but it has helped a lot. It's also an easy way to get a couple servings of fruit. And your own smoothies would have less added sugar than something like Ensure...just real fruit sugars, etc.

I hope the housing thing works out. In the meantime, is it helpful for you to ask to help with meals at your house or does that make it more stressful? Or maybe you have your own time in the morning or afternoon in the kitchen to make your own snack and practice that autonomy and taking care of yourself with some of your own creative snack ideas? I relate to how much easier it is in treatment when someone just does it for you. But especially if you want to get into a different housing situation, I wonder if there are small ways you can practice this and also feel empowered by it?

 

[Polly_pocket]

Unfortunatly it's not out of my choice that the kitchen is no go. I'd find it a lot easier if I was able to have more autonomy. In treatment I practiced cooking a lot and I can do all aspects of it well, including shopping, portioning, planning etc. (but I've never done it by myself, which is another issue I guess)

But the flat me, mum and brother live in is falling apart. It's practically a building site and the kitchen is not particularly safe or clean. Mum doesn't want us in there and even if she is happy for me to go in there she doesn't want my brother copying me and going in there. He has very complex autism and often does dangerous things so we don't want him near sharp objects, the gas cooker or anything like that.

So I am very limited in the autonomy I have. That is why my Keyworker is hopeful that I can be high on the list for this supported housing scheme. It's a self contained flat in a block and all of the flats are reserved for people with severe mental illnesses. You get a Keyworker and stuff to support you with learning to look after yourself. So I'm basically holding onto the hope I can get there.

But thank you for the smoothie suggestions I will definitely hold then in mind and if my brother is a bit calmer in the next few weeks maybe I can persuade my mum to do some of them! Would be good.