Unequal Standards

[anonymous]

I'm realizing more and more how being held to different standards throughout my youth has played into the issues I have today.

It's a big deal to me......I react badly when someone tries to hold me to standards that others are not held to, or I am held to standards which I myself don't even know about.....only to be harshly chastised for not meeting those standards.

This is a trigger that plays out repeatedly. I feel so spaced out and anxious right now. I am going to explain the most recent situation but I ask that you not run me over the coals. I already feel horrible for what I did and I'm beating myself up enough as it is. Nor am I trying to excuse my behavior, rather explain what happened in a triggered state.

I have this friend I've known for a few years now. To say the relationship has been tumultuous would be putting it lightly. I constantly push and pull. Sometimes we don't talk for long stretches of time.

My friend would repeatedly bring up the fact that I am mentally ill, many times over the years (My current diagnosises are PTSD and major depressive disorder.) Like clockwork whenever we'd get into an argument my friend would bring this up, even adding on disorders that I don't have in an attempt to hurt me. It was indeed hurtful but I tried to just ignore it. Well last week I just had it and in a moment of anger I gave my friend a verbal lashing, saying a few not so nice things about what I suspect they are dealing with. (I do not know my friends diagnosis.)

In response I was told that it's cruel to make fun of someone's disability.

<jaw drop>

This person has been throwing my disability and disorders (along with a few that I don't have) in my face for years.

It's ok when they do it to me but not ok when I turn the tables?

And now I'm cut off.

Please don't beat me up for this. I know what I said to my friend was very wrong and that my friend has every right to end the friendship.

Fair enough.

What is triggering to me is the unequal standards. Ok for them to behave that way toward me, not ok if I reciprocate.

The unequal/unknown standards thing has been happening throughout my life. It relates to being punished when others can act the same and their behavior is ok.

It sparks something fierce inside of me.

In that moment when I was triggered I knew that bringing up my friends struggles was an ultimate low blow. (I admit to my bad behavior.) It's the dynamic that I can't handle, the dynamic that feeds into my self loathing as proof that I must be perfect while others can be flawed, that I am held to different standards (which really is like trying to hit a moving target because when standards are equal across the board, they're easy to figure out but it's impossible to determine standards when yours always seem to be different than everyone else's.)

It's confusing it's un-grounding it makes me distrustful of reality.

I don't know where to even begin with tackling this issue.

Thanks for reading.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

While it may have been wrong to lash out, believe me on this when I think it goes without saying that you had every right to stand up for yourself and challenge her. While her constantly mentioning your disorder may be a very, VERY poor attempt to ground you into realizing these arguments are 'not rational' (which tbh is stupid in of itself because that's treating the person as if they don't already KNOW it isn't rational, it's just a very, very powerful emotion that literally feels uncontrollable at times) the fact that she used these disorders against you constantly and also even tried to place disorders on you that you aren't even diagnosed with is both unhelpful and toxic. Your friend seems to be trying to project feelings onto you when you are in conflict - rather than focusing on her reactions and keeping her mind open to the possibility that she's in the wrong, she's trying to pin arguments all on you. And that is not okay.

And really, it truly isn't okay for these double standards to exist. While you may have went about it the wrong way, you were standing up for yourself, and that is a good thing. Sometimes, a human being can only sit and take so much until they snap. You realize that this was a mistake, and that's a positive thing. However, don't beat yourself up for realizing the uneven dynamic and getting angry and frustrated about it. You have every reason to feel this frustrated.

How reasonable is this friend of yours? Clearly, if she's trying to deflect an argument by saying that you're ill, please, PLEASE know that being ill still doesn't dismiss how you feel about something in particular. That's like someone with a broken leg telling someone that they're in pain, and the person responding "Oh, well, that's just because you have a broken leg." No shit Sherlock! That still doesn't change the fact that they're in pain, mind lending them a hand you dingus? If she tries to bring up that argument again, carefully try to explain to her that using your mental illnesses as an argument against your anger isn't okay, and that if she keeps doing that every single time she upsets you, then it's not YOU that's the problem, it's HER. Especially if this has happened several times.

Set hard boundaries. Explain to her what triggers are, and why her behaviors may cause you to react involuntarily. You are working on healing and getting past these triggers, but she needs to help you make life easier for the both of you. If she refuses to, then unfortunately it sounds like quite a toxic friendship, especially if it's been very turbulent as you say.

It sucks, but sometimes, some people just don't understand and won't cooperate because they don't want to change their own behaviors. If being friends with her is more damaging than it is helpful, move on. It'll hurt, but it'll help you so much more in the end. I do hope that you can get through to her and you can achieve a better understanding of each other - but if it seems improbable, it's better to let go of a relationship that seems to harm you.

 

[Eagle3]

Again, i understand where you're coming from. I have to deal with the uneven standards thing too, and it sends me into a blind rage.For years I was punished because others didn't do their fair share, and now I can't even handle having ANY standards put on me...It sucks, its keeps me from being able to work for another person, and I've learned not to hold myself to higher standards than everyone else (not unrealistic ones, at least...I still believe in manners). Sorry you have to deal with this too, its a sucky one.

 

[Suzetig]

It's ok when they do it to me but not ok when I turn the tables?

No, it's not at all ok when they do it to you - it sounds like you snapped and threw it back at them, which might not be how you wanted to respond ideally but is understandable.

Reading your post though, I had a sense that you yourself hold yourself to a different standard. So, you're feeling guilty for treating her the way she's treated you for a long time and she gets to end the friendship because you were so out of order? I would never be around someone who threw my health in my face like that so am not sure why you'd let her do it to you while also giving yourself a hard time for responding in kind. I don't mean that to be as blaming as it might sound - more a plea for you to give yourself a break?

I guess rather than letting other people decide what's ok for you, making you try to live by their standards it might be more freeing for you to decide what you will and won't offer or accept in relationships, set your own standards if you like? It's awful trying to negotiate rules that you don't even know exist, and not knowing when you might hit someone else's threshold but you can choose what's ok for you and they can either accept it or not?

 

[Freedomfighter]

While it may have been wrong to lash out, believe me on this when I think it goes without say...

Totally agree here, why would a so called friend "remind" you of your mental challenges? Everyone has mental challenges and believe me there are tons of people that walk around me that have very serious mental illnesses, just never admit it, and would never see a therapist even though they are obviously mentally ill. Seems to be a huge fear of people admitting they have a mental illness.

Case in point: a prior unresolved criminal case of mine involved stalkers at my workplace and these crazies are attempting to disrupt my workplace every day with the help of their friends. None of those folks are normal, they pretend to be someone else, pretend they have the same beliefs and challenges as I have and so on......

When one sees such so called normal people one just knows that everyone has to take care of their mental and physical challenges without fear.

And why should we think that it is a bad thing to say which kind of mental illness someone has? When someone tells another one they have heart disease or high blood pressure they are not ashamed for having that, so why then with mental challenges.

You did the right thing, you stood up for yourself and your friend has successfully brainwashed you in feeling guilty for telling the truth. I have shaken off that type of people a long time ago.