Unexpected News

[Ghostybear73]

I am trying this posting thing again and I have worked hard on dealing with people's negativity, so I feel I am ready. My father just text me to let me know he has lung cancer and is dying. Since I am not going to go into details about what exactly my father did to me, I am sure my response will be taking out of context and looked down upon.

His text stated, "I have lung cancer and I'm not sure how long I have. Don't say sorry or shit like that, not interested in pity". Therefore, my response was, "that's nice, I really don't give a shit and good luck with that". I know that seems pretty mean and harsh, but given the circumstances I accept that. The only emotion I have is anger and although it has gotten me into a lot of trouble, it has also protected me from other emotions that would essentially kill me.

It's kind of comical that my family thinks I should care about what happens to them when they didn't care what happened to me. My mother was selling me out for crying out loud and doesn't understand why I don't talk to her. My father; well he was never there unless it was because good old mom couldn't handle shit and he was called in to "fix" the problem.

I'm not sure if this is something that should be posted on discussions or chit chat or a diary of some kind, so forgive me if this is the wrong place.

 

[bell]

Hi @Ghostybear73, and sorry that this is something you have to deal with. Even if we don't care too much about the person involved, bad news still can put a damper on things.

As far as getting negative responses, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, but I am sorry that you have received them in the past. This place, while wonderful, doesn't mince words, which is something that I tend to value, as sometimes I have a hard time seeing the forest from the trees.

I don't look down upon you for your response and/or your post, as it seems like you have your reasons and that they are valid. Sadly, sometimes those that are supposed to protect us in our lives don't do such a hot job, so your response doesn't sound well out of order.

 

[keifer]

Nothing wrong with sharing. We all have struggles! One thing I've learned is nothing is simple.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am glad you didn't go the other route and pretend sentiment you didn't feel. I have pretended often in my life and got bad internal backlash for years afterwards.

Like keifer said, nothing is simple.

 

[Candleflames]

I don't need to know details to recognize the complex mix of emotions you are probably feeling. Many of us have complicated relationships with our parents for a variety of reasons. You have every right to every emotion you are feeling. I don't think anyone should be admonished for feelings.

You're response seems very reasonable to me, by the way. It's totally fair to acknowledge that it's really only those that we are close to that we ache for in their time of pain. It would be much worse to pretend otherwise.

I'd also like to commend you for not going the vindictive route by saying "Good, I hope it's a long painful process you pathetic SOB!" There's a few people that would would get that response for me.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Candleflames, it was very difficult not to post something to that effect. Long hard thought process went into the simplicity of my response to prevent myself from stooping to his level. :)

 

[Ghostybear73]

Its not the emotions I worry about being admonished for, its the cruelty of the words spoken. No worries though, I am prepared so it is all good. I think once we realize what we are, its easier to accept others opinions. ;)

Thank you all for validated my feelings! It does make it easier.

 

[Jane.l]

I agree with the others - you have stayed true to yourself and the situation without being vindictive .

 

[Candleflames]

I don't see any cruelty in your response. Actually I thought the tone and sentiment exactly matched those of your father's original text.

 

[Lucycat]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

 

[catjudo]

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. My biological father was not my abuser. In fact, I did not know him for most of my life. He and my mother divorced when I was a baby/toddler and he had no contact with me as I was growing up. He eventually allowed my step-father to adopt me...and he was my abuser. I had some anger toward my bio father because I felt like he abandoned me and handed me over to the person who hurt me most. When I was an adult and had an opportunity to get to know him, he seemed so excited and grateful at first but very quickly stopped communicating with me and essentially abandoned me for a second time in my life. He never gave me a real explanation for why he went from excited about having a relationship with me, to completely ignoring and avoiding me. I was hurt.

When he was diagnosed with cancer, he did not want to let me know. His wife contacted one of my uncles who contacted me to let me know. He refused any contact with me while he was sick. When he died the same contact chain happened again to let me know. At first I said I didn't care and had no interest in attending a service for him. My then-fiance urged me to go because it would give me closure. As difficult as it was to attend his funeral, in many ways I am glad that I did it just so I wouldn't have the regret later.

All a roundabout way of getting to the point I wanted to really make. When my bio father died from cancer despite the fact that I tried to convince myself and others that I didn't really care, I did. But I wasn't really mourning the loss of him, I never really had him in my life. What I was really mourning was the loss of any chance of really understanding why our relationship was the way it was and the loss of any possible future opportunity to mend our relationship. I wasn't mourning losing him, I was mourning losing any possible future however unlikely it was.

Again, sorry you're having to go through this. I wouldn't worry about how others think/feel/perceive your thoughts or actions about this. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it says a lot that he cared enough to send you a TEXT about life and death news. As such, it speaks volumes about his relationship with you and I don't think anything bad about your response.