I was diagnosed with CPTSD last month and I’ve really been struggling with my mental health. I’ve been suicidal and just overall down. To push me even further over the edge, I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, this pregnancy was unplanned and I am in no way in a position to bring another life into the world. I feel so numb. I’m afraid for myself. I don’t know what to do.
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Unplanned Pregnancy
- Post starter OceanEyes
- Start date
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Movingforward10
VIP Member
That’s a lot to deal with all at once,
what do you want to do with this pregnancy?
is there someone in your life you can talk this through?
what do you want to do with this pregnancy?
is there someone in your life you can talk this through?
- Post starter
- #3
Movingforward10
VIP Member
It’s really impressive you have already made a decision amongst it all. That shows self care and thought despite all the challenges.
I’m sorry you are going through all this at the same time.
what usually works to help you during overwhelming times?
sometimes for me trying to break things down into smaller bits, or putting other bits aside to deal with later.
do those around you know about the suicidal thoughts?
I’m sorry you are going through all this at the same time.
what usually works to help you during overwhelming times?
sometimes for me trying to break things down into smaller bits, or putting other bits aside to deal with later.
do those around you know about the suicidal thoughts?
Muttly
Diamond Member
I am so sorry, that sounds super overwhelming. I am glad you have friends and found this forum. Do you have a therapist?
Please take gentle care of yourself and keep reaching out for support.
Please take gentle care of yourself and keep reaching out for support.
caroline_13
Gold Member
Hope you are doing okay today.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
I hope you have supportive people in your life who can help you through this. I know it’s not easy.
Friday
Sponsor
Make sure to give yourself at least a 2-3mo break/ cut yourself some slack after the termination. Hormones will still be ALL over the place, making normal things terrible, good things despairing or ecstatic.
Hormones get short shrift in a feminist world, but they are no joke. They’re f*cking brutal. I come from a VERY feminist family, powerful women & brilliant & often equally powerful men who revel in their powerful wives; for more than 3 centuries, so we largely ignore the modern hype. But it still creeps in. Like the idea I “shouldn’t” be effected by hormones whilst pregnant, from pop culture’s standpoint. Even though, by SCIENCE’S standpoint? Everyone is. As hormones regulate emotions & actions, or dysregulate them. Profoundly. And not just whilst pregnant. <<< I bring this up for 2 reasons. In my very feminist family? We have a dominant gene that means that EVERY woman in my family, to date, gets antepartum depression & psychosis (similar to post partum depression & psychosis, but it happens whilst you’re pregnant instead of after giving birth). It’s just NORMAL in my family to have to chain yourself up for a few hours a day in your 2nd & 3rd trimester. The other 21 hours a day? You’re fine. But for 1-3 hours a day? You’re f*cking insane. Seeeeeriously. No joke, or exaggeration.
Because I have lifelong experience & personal experience with the power of hormones? Even my friends who are “mildly” effected have their minds blown that such a thing is “real” when they’re experiencing the curse of them. (Teenagers & pregnancy/miscarriage/abortion & menopause, for the most part). It’s a VERY real thing. How absolutely f*cking sideways things get. Yet feel real/clear/rational in the moment. Because hormones don’t feel like being drunk, or in any other way ‘not yourself’ until they wear off. And then? Mortification. Or acceptance/understanding.
After either a spontaneous or planned abortion, it takes 2-3 months for your hormones to get back to normal. With PTSD on board?
- Don’t respond when you’re angry
- Don’t make promises when you’re happy
- Don’t make decisions when you’re sad.
Hormones get short shrift in a feminist world, but they are no joke. They’re f*cking brutal. I come from a VERY feminist family, powerful women & brilliant & often equally powerful men who revel in their powerful wives; for more than 3 centuries, so we largely ignore the modern hype. But it still creeps in. Like the idea I “shouldn’t” be effected by hormones whilst pregnant, from pop culture’s standpoint. Even though, by SCIENCE’S standpoint? Everyone is. As hormones regulate emotions & actions, or dysregulate them. Profoundly. And not just whilst pregnant. <<< I bring this up for 2 reasons. In my very feminist family? We have a dominant gene that means that EVERY woman in my family, to date, gets antepartum depression & psychosis (similar to post partum depression & psychosis, but it happens whilst you’re pregnant instead of after giving birth). It’s just NORMAL in my family to have to chain yourself up for a few hours a day in your 2nd & 3rd trimester. The other 21 hours a day? You’re fine. But for 1-3 hours a day? You’re f*cking insane. Seeeeeriously. No joke, or exaggeration.
Because I have lifelong experience & personal experience with the power of hormones? Even my friends who are “mildly” effected have their minds blown that such a thing is “real” when they’re experiencing the curse of them. (Teenagers & pregnancy/miscarriage/abortion & menopause, for the most part). It’s a VERY real thing. How absolutely f*cking sideways things get. Yet feel real/clear/rational in the moment. Because hormones don’t feel like being drunk, or in any other way ‘not yourself’ until they wear off. And then? Mortification. Or acceptance/understanding.
After either a spontaneous or planned abortion, it takes 2-3 months for your hormones to get back to normal. With PTSD on board?
- Don’t respond when you’re angry
- Don’t make promises when you’re happy
- Don’t make decisions when you’re sad.
- Post starter
- #9
Hi @Friday thank you for your message. I’ve always struggled with my hormones, particularly around menstruation but somehow remained level headed through out pregnancy.
Postpartum experiences have been very different and traumatic in their own ways.
My first pregnancy, I was 18, years old and in an abusive relationship, I didn’t continue that pregnancy. Although I felt conflicted, I to this day know I made the right decision.
My first child, was born at 37 weeks and was an extremely fast labour of 3 hours, little did I know that would be my norm. It was traumatising because, through out all my antenatal classes, we were taught that your first birth tends to be longer and you tend to be late. This was the opposite for me, hence the feeling that something was wrong and being terrified. A healthy happy boy was born but I was left shell shocked and frazzled.
That was my introduction to motherhood, unbeknown to me, childhood trauma, was beginning to come to the surface.
Fast forward 2 years, we decide to grow the family. I got pregnant but with my blood tests, things weren’t adding up as they should. I was under a lot of pressure at work and being bullied by several colleagues. After seeing the heartbeat during an ultrasound, I began to miscarry 2 days later. We were heartbroken. I remember going to pick up my toddler from bed whilst simultaneously losing my unborn child.
To our shock, two weeks later, I conceived our second child, I did not realise at the time that I had not dealt with or processed my miscarriage. Although that seems obvious. Fast forward to 39 weeks pregnant, I go into labour and it is fast and furious, barely making it to the birthing suite. My second son was born after 1.5 hours, the birth made me tear so bad I needed surgery and months of physiotherapy.
We decided to grow the family again as I’d always dreamt of having 3 children. Going in and out of lockdowns messed with my mental health significantly and just when things seemed to be returning to normal, I was hit by debilitating morning sickness. I then started bleeding and of course, that took me back to my miscarriage and I couldn’t trust that everything was okay. I was unable to connect with the pregnancy as I had with my other two. It was horrible. I was always in a state of fear. Towards the end of my pregnancy in January 2022, my father in America ( I live in New Zealand ) was diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. I remember every night going to sleep wishing I would go into labour so that my father could meet his grandson. My son was 2 days late. The day my son was born, although it was a beautiful home birth with no damage to my body, my father passed away that day and they never got to meet. My sister told me that he passed shortly after hearing if delivered safely and our son was healthy. That kills me and provides comfort at the same time because it’s a true testimony of the love my father had for me.
Experiencing life and death all at once was something I will never forget.
I was thrust into having a newborn along with 2 other young children whilst grieving my father. I feel like a piece of me died that day and I’ve never been the same since.
Now, I’m faced with choosing to end the life growing inside of me. How can someone recover from all that?
I don’t know why but I was compelled to write this all out, it has proven to be cathartic but also confronting as the magnitude of what I need to work through. I appreciate you for taking the time to read this. Thank you .
Postpartum experiences have been very different and traumatic in their own ways.
My first pregnancy, I was 18, years old and in an abusive relationship, I didn’t continue that pregnancy. Although I felt conflicted, I to this day know I made the right decision.
My first child, was born at 37 weeks and was an extremely fast labour of 3 hours, little did I know that would be my norm. It was traumatising because, through out all my antenatal classes, we were taught that your first birth tends to be longer and you tend to be late. This was the opposite for me, hence the feeling that something was wrong and being terrified. A healthy happy boy was born but I was left shell shocked and frazzled.
That was my introduction to motherhood, unbeknown to me, childhood trauma, was beginning to come to the surface.
Fast forward 2 years, we decide to grow the family. I got pregnant but with my blood tests, things weren’t adding up as they should. I was under a lot of pressure at work and being bullied by several colleagues. After seeing the heartbeat during an ultrasound, I began to miscarry 2 days later. We were heartbroken. I remember going to pick up my toddler from bed whilst simultaneously losing my unborn child.
To our shock, two weeks later, I conceived our second child, I did not realise at the time that I had not dealt with or processed my miscarriage. Although that seems obvious. Fast forward to 39 weeks pregnant, I go into labour and it is fast and furious, barely making it to the birthing suite. My second son was born after 1.5 hours, the birth made me tear so bad I needed surgery and months of physiotherapy.
We decided to grow the family again as I’d always dreamt of having 3 children. Going in and out of lockdowns messed with my mental health significantly and just when things seemed to be returning to normal, I was hit by debilitating morning sickness. I then started bleeding and of course, that took me back to my miscarriage and I couldn’t trust that everything was okay. I was unable to connect with the pregnancy as I had with my other two. It was horrible. I was always in a state of fear. Towards the end of my pregnancy in January 2022, my father in America ( I live in New Zealand ) was diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. I remember every night going to sleep wishing I would go into labour so that my father could meet his grandson. My son was 2 days late. The day my son was born, although it was a beautiful home birth with no damage to my body, my father passed away that day and they never got to meet. My sister told me that he passed shortly after hearing if delivered safely and our son was healthy. That kills me and provides comfort at the same time because it’s a true testimony of the love my father had for me.
Experiencing life and death all at once was something I will never forget.
I was thrust into having a newborn along with 2 other young children whilst grieving my father. I feel like a piece of me died that day and I’ve never been the same since.
Now, I’m faced with choosing to end the life growing inside of me. How can someone recover from all that?
I don’t know why but I was compelled to write this all out, it has proven to be cathartic but also confronting as the magnitude of what I need to work through. I appreciate you for taking the time to read this. Thank you .
moonjuice85
New Here
Thank you for sharing OceanEyes. It is so brave to tell of your anguish. Hope you're doing OK 
MnM
Silver Member
Hi @OceanEyes.... your post is beauuuutiful.
I birthed a terminated pregnancy out over Christmas 2017 while working in Australia. Under different circumstances, I would've continued the pregnancy. I have never questioned that decision, though I have gone over it to check myself.
I put the remains in a wooden box and buried them in the dunes above the high tide line, looking toward the sun setting over the ocean. I don't know that I had time or capacity to grieve that one, something I suspect because while I screamed of the shearing pain in my guts, I don't recall feeling anything but numb. I am grateful I set intentional steps so future me could have closure or at least take the steps to find it.
I wish you peace, and I hope you find all the things that soothe your body and soul as you go through this process
I birthed a terminated pregnancy out over Christmas 2017 while working in Australia. Under different circumstances, I would've continued the pregnancy. I have never questioned that decision, though I have gone over it to check myself.
I put the remains in a wooden box and buried them in the dunes above the high tide line, looking toward the sun setting over the ocean. I don't know that I had time or capacity to grieve that one, something I suspect because while I screamed of the shearing pain in my guts, I don't recall feeling anything but numb. I am grateful I set intentional steps so future me could have closure or at least take the steps to find it.
I wish you peace, and I hope you find all the things that soothe your body and soul as you go through this process
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