Unstable Moods

[SMC_1987]

I don't know whats making this happen but lately my moods have been very up and down, good days and bad days. When I get stuck in my lows I self medicate with alcohol and my brain wanders to the idea of suicide. I don't think I would actually do it...but I contemplate about ways I could do it. I've also written two letters in the past but threw them away.

This may be stupidly obvious to some people and an idiotic question, but should I consider telling my doctor this? I really don't think I would kill myself, but the thoughts are there. Is this something that gets worse and therefore should be addressed now? I don't know if its something I should be concerned about or not. Thoughts are just thoughts as long as they aren't actions, right?

I feel really hopeless, isolated, alone, defeated. I live alone now and spend a lot of my time alone during the weekdays outside of work. The loneliness doesn't help. I feel like no one in my circle cares or understands enough for me to ask anyone I know.

 

[open eyes]

Those kinds of thoughts don't just fade away without any kind of intervention. Not to sound pessimistic, but it's exactly the kind of thing that will spiral out of control if you try to hide them. Any time that you feel you need to do something self destructive (cut, drink, smoke, etc.) in order to cope with negative feelings is a something you need to tell your doctor about.

 

[intothelight]

I self medicate with alcohol and my brain wanders to the idea of suicide.

In all honesty, this is a recipe for disaster. Talk to your doctor about it and see what support is out there.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I would recommend talking to your doctor. You can explain that you don't think you actually would, but that the thoughts are there. Then perhaps you can start working on some strategies to help you cope with those thoughts or the things causing them.

 

[SMC_1987]

I did give up on therapy because the first psychologist I went to was new and not very good. Maybe I should give it another try...I just really hate talking about things with a stranger whom I'm paying to care. Its hard to wrap my brain around.[DOUBLEPOST=1402529337,1402529276][/DOUBLEPOST]My GP also prescribed me an anti depressant that I'm afraid to take for reasons unknown.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you don't tell your doctor, then he can't help you. Do you plan on digging yourself out of this hole on your own? If nothing changes, nothing changes. Tell your doctor ASAP.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@SMC_1987 I struggle with the acceptance of medication and have thus far avoided it. A lot of people seem to benefit from it though. I think that it is a struggle to "pay someone to care", but if you find the right match, it helps. I was lucky and found a match my first try, but I have read of others who have had to try several. Therapy has helped me immensely. I still struggle but at least I have someone to guide me through the process. I am glad you are trying to figure out what the best steps for you are.

 

[franciemarnie]

The problem with self medicating with alcohol is that it is like Russian Roulette. It unpredictably activates parts of your brain and turns off other parts so sometimes you initially might get relief from symptoms and then a couple hours later become psychotic or unbearably depressed but you can't transcend that under the influence. The parts of your brain needed to balance your thinking have gone dark. I certainly understand the need to turn off the pain, but it's a crap shoot how the night will go. Then of course the morning after is hell because of the withdrawal and how it exacerbates a system already nutty with cortisol, etc.

I don't know why you don't consider doctor meds since you are already medicating.

Better yet, consider not medicating at all and doing some sort of somatic therapy to get the trauma energy out of your system for good.

 

[SMC_1987]

Everything just feels really impossible and hopeless, I'm not the person I was before. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a dark well looking up, watching people walk by, watching life continue on without me. My PTSD was a very delayed reaction, years later after the initial incident happened, I was carrying around my trauma unacknowledged for a very long time. It found a way to force itself to the surface, though. I am incredibly numb emotionally, except for anger and sometimes grief and guilt, but mostly anger. I feel very alone and isolated 95% of the time (despite having good friends around me), startle VERY easily, don't get me started on sleep and nightmares, I used to think that was my only problem. I have also sat and wrecked my brain trying to remember details about my trauma, and its for the most part one giant blank slate of my life, its actually kind of bizarre. I remember maybe 2 or 3 small details and the rest is gone. I don't know how thats possible.

I think a part of me is afraid to give therapy and meds a serious try for fear that I'll never get better. That has been my worst fear since the beginning, and my last psychologist told me that I probably never will recover 100% and that its not realistic to think I will. After that my brain just thought "well whats the point then?" I don't know. I'm pretty lost in all of this. All I know is that I'm not living my life, I'm just....surviving.

 

[xena21]

My PTSD was a very delayed reaction, years later after the initial incident happened, I was carrying around my trauma unacknowledged for a very long time. It found a way to force itself to the surface, though. I am incredibly numb emotionally, except for anger and sometimes grief and guilt, but mostly anger. I feel very alone and isolated 95% of the time

Hi...I can relate very well with your comments. I lived for 35 years doing what I thought was ok. I went into college, the military, and then law enforcement thinking I had everything in control. I thought I had PTSD beat. Then it all fell apart. It fell apart so quickly too.

The anger was so intense. I hated everyone. I hated myself the most though. I hated that I couldn't live through the PTSD that I was dealing with and all the past trauma. I wanted to die every day. I never believed I would get better. I went through therapist after therapist trying to find one that would fit for me. It took a while. I now have 2 therapists that are willing to work with me despite the anger and hatred I have of the world around me.

Keep looking for someone that will work with you. There is someone out there.

 

[SMC_1987]

Thats pretty crazy, I was in the military and switched to law enforcement myself. I function well at work, in fact its probably the only time I function because I'm distracted. The idea of starting all over again with a new therapist makes me cringe...

 

[xena21]

I function well at work, in fact its probably the only time I function because I'm distracted.

Exactly! I did well at work too. I could get myself into a case or whatever was needed and focus solely on that. would try and not focus anything on me. Work was great for me I think. I just eventually couldn't deal with everything anymore, and after a neck surgery I had, I had to leave. It was the worst thing that could have happened as far as I'm concerned.

I definitely relate though. Work is such a useful tool.