Sexual Assault Unsure how to define this - 2 years of um coerced sex

[Chris-duck]

You're not being annoying or argumentative at all

Agreed.
I have not found your responses like that.

Thanks guys :)

It’s Difficult . If it weren’t be easy we wouldn’t have ptsd trying to process what’s safe and not after the damage ;) .

Heh. Yeahhh. I'm really confused right now. Like I feel like I've described it all wrong, but I'm not sure what facts to correct cos they're all true to the best of my knowledge, I want to say how much I don't care anyway but I'm totally obsessing. And I am still pretty sure it's my fault anyway but I can't find a solid reason *why* it's my fault. Like I just have delayed fallout from people here taking me seriously? Like I dunno how to deal when people don't just shrug it off with me ??

 

[Freida]

ing. And I am still pretty sure it's my fault anyway but I can't find a solid reason *why* it's my fault.

The first crack in the armor!!!
as for meeting with H, if it brings you joy that's all that matters. :)

 

[Deleted member 47099]

My headspace has been gobbled up by other stuff recently, so I've only just found the time to read through this thread completely.

Lots of good work in it :tup:

I know you're probly glad the thread's been silent for a fortnight and are probly like :shifty: about anyone adding to it now :p

But I'd be interested to hear more about this bit:

Yeah. I don't regret leaving. I can't imagine a life still there (probably similar to Hs life I guess but I can't imagine it for me). But I think being glad I left makes me feel guiltier for leaving? She says it was really hard when I left but totally backed my decision to leave and we still talk etc.

Yeah. I get she has her own choices, but upping and leaving was always less complicated for me. I was used to it, she wasn't. Like it's weird cos she still talks about leaving, like we both used to talk about leaving. And since shit still goes down for her if she goes certain areas (like new year this year), I kinda think if somehow I managed to get this life but there then she might be in a better position too somehow. I get that makes no sense cos I have no say in what she does.

From my own journey, I know the situations I felt trapped in for a long time... and was searching for ways to extricate myself from the trap... they were quite momentous life changes, when I finally found a way out.... Even if maybe "all" that changed was something in my head... Like getting to the point of refusing to put up with something anymore... Getting to the point of saying I am valuable enough not to deserve being treated like this... Or getting to a point of feeling like I am not scared right now, because I have nothing left to lose...

So yeah, ignore this completely or until you have the headspace for it...

But it would be interesting to look at the subtle things that led to your decision to leave, especially cos you said it was a hard decision to "leave H behind" etc.

I think we can learn a lot of valuable stuff about ourselves and find ways of understanding the trauma, from analysing how we managed to overcome it eventually.

 

[Chris-duck]

Lots of good work in it :tup:

Thanks

I know you're probly glad the thread's been silent for a fortnight and are probly like :shifty: about anyone adding to it now :p

Ahahah, aw Sophy, you know me so well ;)
It's fine though :)

But it would be interesting to look at the subtle things that led to your decision to leave, especially cos you said it was a hard decision to "leave H behind" etc.

I kinda felt like I had to leave then or I never would. Like I'd either die (Probably from suicide, although H insists I'd have got myself murdered) or get too attached to her kid (Oldest was born like a week or so before I left) and not feel able to go after. Like it was a really last minute decision. When her kid was born I hadn't planned to leave for definite yet, I babysat her kid for a day (So she could register his birth cos we hadn't managed to save up for a pram so he was basically housebound for his first week in her bfs flat), that flat was opposite As flat, so guys found me walking home, blahblah happened, I got home and phoned H, told her I needed out of England, then phoned mum and said I was moving home. Left a few days later. Like it was just a "this is either gonna be my life forever or I'll die really soon" thing. I'm pretty sure I ran away, more than just *left*.

For ages before leaving (Timescale is screwed so dunno how long), I wasn't eating or sleeping, was only going outside if I *had* to, was borderline psychotic from sleep deprivation. H was basically being left alone once she was visibly pregnant, although they all knew she was pregnant before it showed. Yeah, the months before I left just really sucked, then the day I decided to leave was just a weird series of events where my brain was like "Eh, no thanks". So yah.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Yeah

Maybe the baby being born suddenly showed you the gravity and dimension of the whole thing?

Maybe things finally clicked in your brain.

:hug:

 

[Chris-duck]

Maybe the baby being born suddenly showed you the gravity and dimension of the whole thing?

Yeah. I already had the pure fear I'd end up pregnant and stuck there. (obv I coulda left, pregnant or not, but they coulda theoretically fought for custody of my imaginary baby). Like it kinda made things "leave now or this is *forever*" which isn't really rational. But yeah.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

The decision to leave was rational.

And we can/ do tolerate a lot, and then *something* is the thing that makes it reach tipping point... the straw that breaks the camel's back... But it's not "that one thing"... It's all of it together, added up.

So, of course it makes sense.

And the added dimension of there being kids involved and potentially getting pregnant is a totally valid/ rational/ logical/ good reason to leave.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

For ages before leaving (Timescale is screwed so dunno how long), I wasn't eating or sleeping, was only going outside if I *had* to, was borderline psychotic from sleep deprivation.

I guess this was also your brain/ body/ subconscious reaching its limit.
Reaching the point where you couldn't cope anymore.
And where something had to give/ had to change.

 

[Chris-duck]

Yeah, I think this stuff had been building up loads in the months before I left:

And we can/ do tolerate a lot, and then *something* is the thing that makes it reach tipping point... the straw that breaks the camel's back... But it's not "that one thing"... It's all of it together, added up.

I guess this was also your brain/ body/ subconscious reaching its limit.
Reaching the point where you couldn't cope anymore.
And where something had to give/ had to change.

Then this is why I left at that point and not before or after:

And the added dimension of there being kids involved and potentially getting pregnant is a totally valid/ rational/ logical/ good reason to leave

 

[talon]

I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m glad you got out of this horrible situation.

This link might be helpful: Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

My take? In my opinion, you were raped.

The part about being able to leave doesn’t change if you were raped or not. If you didn’t consent, you didn’t consent. If you don’t have a choice to say no, you don’t have a choice to say yes.

Some victims of rape stay with the rapist for awhile, that doesn’t make it not rape. Trauma bonding can make it much harder actually to leave an abusive situation than one that isn’t. You also might have possibly gotten caught in a trauma reenactment cycle.

Money doesn’t have to change hands for it to be trafficking. Being traded for sexual exploitation alone, even without money changing hands, is generally sex trafficking.

sounds like sex trafficking to me you are not to know who pays or who does or who gets paid it has bothered you enough to feel used. The signs of this kind of behaviour is seen in the actions which are the normal patterns of abuse where there is a honeymoon period where the vulnerable are spoilt then the honeymoon gets smaller and the abuse gets larger ( see youtube revictimization ) this may explain it better . You have survived and thats a blessing in disguise take care of yourself you did not cause this to happen

 

[Chris-duck]

You have survived and thats a blessing in disguise take care of yourself you did not cause this to happen

Thanks :)

 

[The Albatross]

In for a fly by... did a reread due to the degree of difficulty I had with the topic. Recovery period was brief. No fall out to speak up except to note that about a third of this topic is still straight up walled off where I have gaps of no memory for sometimes larger time periods.

Expect I'll come back again later for a reread to see if anything shakes loose. Frieda or Chris-Duck? Wondering how post this discussion fared for you?